When things don’t work out, do you feel like
it's not your fault?
Do you ever feel like everything works against
you?
Then you might be in 'victim mode'.
“By not accepting responsibility for our personal
circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.”- Steve Maraboli
‘Being in victim mode’ meaning thinking in such a way that that
you feel the world is against you, and that if things don’t work out it’s
always due to someone or something else; external factors are responsible and you
have no power to change them. It can also be when you feel choices are made for
you, and you feel you have no say in your life, or elements of your life.
There are genuine times when things aren’t
in our control and we are abused in some way and we are an honest victim, but this
blog post doesn’t relate to that. I am talking about when we don’t recover from
those events or moments, and we stay in them - even wallow in them, using them
as an excuse not to move forward and do the things we want and need to do for
ourselves.
We might attach a certain meaning to an
event or situation that has traumatised us, and never allow ourselves to move
on from it. Our view on the world then becomes tainted; we look at everything
in our lives from this damaged perspective, validating our inability to move on
by this event or situation, using it as a crutch or excuse.
“In challenging circumstances we can either choose to
be a survivor or we can choose to be a victim. Considering that they both take
the same amount of effort, the choice you make will determine your path
forward.” – Mary Holloway
It can be tricky to recognise this mindset.
It can creep up and display itself in many forms, such as procrastination,
fear, negativity, anxiety and depression. It can vary in its degrees when it
shows up and can completely shut a person down.
I have been living a long time in a foreign
country. I struggled with settling here. I felt that the decision to come here
wasn’t mine, and that I had no choice if I wanted to be with my partner. I told
myself that I had to move countries and particularly settle in this small
village if I wanted to be with them. And once here I felt I had no power to
change anything in my life and fulfil my needs. I felt I was duty bound to
attend social events and family functions. I felt it was expected of me to
fulfil everyone else’s desires, to make them happy, and whenever I felt angry
about it (which was often) I blamed them: I blamed them for my choices, my
sacrifices (as I saw them), and my unhappiness.
It took me several years in therapy to
realise that I DID have power in my life, that I did have choices, and that I
was responsible for them. That I didn’t have to go to any of those events -
that I could say no.
“By saying yes to when you need to say no, you cripple
the most important relationship in your life: the relationship between you and
you.” – Nea Joy
I realised that I had been the one who
had talked myself into coming here; I had been the one telling myself that I
would lose my partner if I didn’t; that their happiness was more important than
mine; that if I kept on giving up everything I held dear, eventually I would be
appreciated for it, and loved for it.
It coloured my view on the entire situation
and place. I became chronically unhappy and unpleasant to be around, which in
turn made me start to dislike myself. I would feel anger because I believed
someone else had made me come here and put me through this. And then turn I
would feel guilty about expressing that anger, and I would then turn that anger
on myself. I built resent towards my partner, and self-loathing towards myself
for putting myself in this situation - a vicious circle of negative feelings.
It was only when I started to be honest
with myself about my feelings and about the choices I had made that I started
to be able to change them. I started to think about what I wanted, and what I
didn’t want. And I started to make defined choices and changes. I took my power
back. I listened to how I felt – inside – and started to move forward by
acknowledging and accepting how I felt.
“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” - Dr.Phil
By acknowledging my part in ‘letting’ these
things happen to me, going along with them even though I knew I didn’t want to,
I reduced the feelings of anger and frustration. I was able to feel I had power
to make choices and decisions again.
I still find myself in this mindset from
time to time, particularly when I have let the negative internal dialogue get
the better of me. But the steps I now take are:
- Hearing that dialogue and recognising it as destructive;
- Identifying what is creating it – am I doing something I don’t want to? What’s making me feel bad?
- Countering the dialogue with the truth of the situation;
- Reminding myself what I can do to help myself by going through the choices I have;
- Focusing on what I can do and take action.
Taking action is the key to imprinting a
new thought process and showing yourself you are capable, and dispelling the
negative voices that might say otherwise.
“The path to success is to take massive determined
action.” - Tony Robbins
This applies to both large steps in your
life, and small steps. It could be just calling someone, meeting up with them,
or arranging to do something you want to do. Or it could be getting a job, or
setting up a business. Whatever it is, if it confirms the power we have, it helps
us feel that we are living and thriving, not just surviving.
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