Do you find it hard to talk openly about your thoughts and
feelings?
Do you let others takeover conversations and keep your mouth
shut?
I discussed the ‘mask’ we create to protect ourselves in my
Being Authentic post, and the steps we can take to remove it.
The next step is living without it.
At first this can be difficult; we may feel exposed,
vulnerable and raw, causing us to flick between being defensive and being over
emotional.
What is being defensive?
Being defensive is when we react sharply or aggressively to
something said to us, about us; a comment that we perceive as negative and take
as a criticism or insult. It hits a nerve – the nerve being our insecurity
about ourselves.
“Defensiveness is usually someone silently screaming that they need you
to value and respect them in disguise.”- Shannon L. Alder
We worry that what they said about us is true; or we may
feel that we are NOT like they said, but worry that everyone believes we are.
Either way it triggers a feeling of insecurity about who we are - a momentary
identity crisis.
A defensive reaction will often bring about an uncomfortable
or negative response, giving us reason to chide ourselves about our reaction
later. This may lead us to return to the person we were defensive with and
apologise, maybe becoming tearful or emotional at the same time as we expose
our inner self. But this too can leave us feeling bad about ourselves, as
though we have over shared, as we go from one extreme to another - defensive to
submissive.
If we are not sure about who we are inside, we struggle to
portray who we want to be seen as on the outside. This creates a conflict - a
conflict based on a lack of confidence. We are conflicted between wanting
others to accept us and being true to ourselves. And in lacking self confidence
we may believe that who we truly are will not be accepted by others, hence the
reason we created the mask in the first place.
To live without it means letting go of pleasing others,
seeking their approval, or putting their needs before our own; it means being
honest about who we are - being vulnerable.
“Vulnerability is the courage to show up and be seen.”- Brene Brown
So as we struggle to find our true selves and work out who
we are and start living that truth, we
can overreact and overcompensate. Neither of these two extremes represent who
we are, or who we want to be, and we can remain on this sea-saw, struggling to
find the balance for quite some time - on occasion returning to living behind
the mask.
But the balance can be found once we start being comfortable
with who we are and accepting ourselves, inside and out. Only once we stop fearing other people's responses and start
embracing who we are, will we be able to show our true nature in a calm,
positive way.
“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let
things upset you.” - Stephanie Perkins
Here’s a list of ways we can do that:
• Start
caring about ourselves more and others less.
• Stop
apologising for who we are.
• Stop
overriding our own feelings to please others.
• Accept that
not everyone will like us, just as we don't have to like them.
• Be sure and
honest about the things we do like and the things we don’t.
• Be proud of
ourselves, and appreciate all we do and achieve.
• Remember
that we are the most important person in our life.
• Tell
ourselves: All of me is what makes me the special unique person I am.
Give it a try and see if it helps find you the balance when
living without the mask.
