Self-trust over fear – how to overcome the fear of yourself

Does the way you feel frighten you?

Are you scared you’re a terrible person?

Do you believe there is something about you to be feared?

Becoming scared of yourself – or a part of yourself – occurs when you have feelings you don’t know how to express or process and become fearful of them. It can start in childhood from a very young age, or develop in a later situation when you are surrounded by people who are not nurturing and don’t allow you to express your feelings, or who themselves are scared of expressing their feelings.

Someone might have told you that feeling a particular way was a bad thing and there was something wrong with you. Or when you tried to express upset feelings they reacted as though it was horrifying and you were dangerous.

People respond this way because someone expressing their feelings makes them have to think about their own, and they might not know how to express or speak about their feelings in a healthy way. Either way it creates a trauma for you, which makes you believe that there's something in you to be feared or that is wrong, and you internal the fear, turning it on yourself.

In our society we are taught not to express our emotions from a very young age. We are told anger is bad and being happy all the time is good. We are told not to be scared, not to feel anxious and not to feel sad. This means when we do experience these emotions, we don’t know how to process them, or what to do with them, and end up pushing them down or away.

But bad feelings left unfelt or unprocessed will build up and become overwhelming, and trigger other problems like depression, anxiety, paranoia and other more extreme mental health problems like self harming and OCDs.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle

Fearing your feelings is based in a lack of self trust or self knowledge. If you don’t spend time with your feelings, you avoid getting to know yourself and learning to trust yourself. It is also based in lack of self worth. If someone externally hasn’t approved of something you have expressed, you have put their opinion above your own. You are not valuing yourself or respecting yourself.

So how do you unravel this and stop being scared of yourself?

You need to start by asking yourself what it is you are scared of? What part of you are you holding in fear? And what do you think will happen if you stop being scared of it?

Remember FEAR means: False Evidence Appearing Real. 

Often our fears are created when our mind has taken over and believed something that isn’t true. Ask yourself, are you dangerous? Is there something scary about you?

We all have our dark sides; we can feel angry and negative about things and sometimes aren’t always feeling in a kind mood. That is allowed. You are allowed those feelings.

“Accept your dark side, understanding it will help you move with the light. Knowing both sides of our souls helps us move forward in life and understand that perfection doesn’t exist.” – M artin R. Lemieux

If those feelings are anger based, are you afraid you will never calm down? Are you afraid you will lash out and say or do something you’ll regret?

I was angry for a long time until I spent time listening to myself, and what it was I was angry about, and working through it. I realised I’d been treating myself badly. I’d mentally been pushing my angry self into a box and shutting it. I didn’t like that piece of myself and called it a monster. I separated from it and pretended it wasn’t there. But it was there for a reason and would keep coming out, because the anger was still there. It hadn’t gone away it was just shut away until it became so big it burst out – usually in a destructive way.

Once I let it out and listened to what it was angry about, I was able to put those feelings into a different perspective, using self-compassion and empathy. By being reassuring and comforting those feelings within myself, not judging them but actually feeling sympathetic towards them, I was able to stop being afraid of them and shutting them away.  

If those feelings are based in deep sadness, are you afraid you won’t be able to stop crying if you let them out? Are you afraid that you will never recover from that sadness?

I felt this way for a long time. My sadness was based in feeling I was never loved, and deeply lonely. But again, once I had listened to those feelings and let them out, I found that although I might have cried for a while initially, it did stop and I felt a lot better. They weren’t trapped inside me anymore. 

But how do you actually ‘listen’ to your feelings and ‘feel’ your feelings?

You literally sit with them. You register that you feel a certain way and sit down and let yourself feel the feeling throughout your body. Don’t think about it, or let your mind get involved. If thoughts come just let them run through your head, don’t argue with them or engage with them. Just be.

You can journal about the feeling too; write out what you are feeling, write down all the things you are afraid of and listen to them that way.

And if you are too scared to do either of those things alone, maybe ask a trusted friend or therapist who can be there with you when you do this. You can also express your feelings verbally too and hear them out loud.

The longer you remain in fear, the longer you stop yourself from living your best life. You limit joy from entering your life. Happiness comes from within. Only once you are fully accepting (and loving) of who you are, can you find true happiness.

“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” – Robin Sharma

Learning to 'Let Go': How to Stop Being Scared of Giving Up Control

Do people tell you to ‘just let it go’?

Do they tell you to ‘get over it’?

Tell you it’s not worth it and forget about it?

The whole ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ thing?

Do you struggle to do that? I know I do.

I’m an analytical and critical soul, who wants everything to be perfect and run smoothly and go to plan – particularly MY plan. I make a lot of lists. I think things through in great detail. I imagine how things will turn out. The small things matter to me.

On occasion, I have been called a ‘control freak’. Sometimes I’m okay with that and sometimes I’m not. The times I am not is because it relates to something that I am sensitive about; something that matters a lot to me. And in those moments I can become defensive. My defensiveness means I am feeling insecure and trying to control something that I am worried might not work out or meet my expectations (or someone else's), or is something I could have done differently.

We want control because we feel something is out of control. We don’t feel we have power in a given situation – that power being the ability to change or influence a situation, event, or project. We are seeking a particular outcome and putting ourselves under pressure to achieve it. It frustrates us, and it can cause a great deal of anxiety and stress, which we then take out on those around us by being defensive or unapproachable.

"The more you try to control something, the more it controls you. Free yourself and let things take their own natural course." – Leon Brown

But we must remember, the only thing we can control is ourselves. We can’t control how others will respond, what they will choose to do, or what they will think. We can’t control what will happen after our participation. We can only do our part and then release it.

In my post How to Reduce your Expectations to Reduce Anxiety, I discuss how to stop anticipating an outcome; how to stop having an expectation of how something will turn out.  Learning to ‘let go’ requires the same processes. We can only take responsibility for what is within our control. The rest we have to let go of, including the outcome.

Some call it ‘surrendering to the outcome’, and that is what we need to do. But the word ‘surrender’ to me indicates defeat or giving in, whereas I see 'letting go' as the opposite. It is rising above our anxieties and need for control; it is being sure we have done all we can, content with our input, and knowing it is enough.  Letting go means you made a choice to release it. 

“Sometimes letting go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” Eckhart Tolle

When we become sure of ourselves and our efforts, the fear we have about not being in control, or letting ourselves and others down, disappears. Letting go allows us to feel liberated and derive pleasure from any and all outcomes.

So if you find yourself frustrated and feeling like you are losing control, or out of control, ask yourself:
What is it I am seeking from this situation or event?
What is it I am trying to control?
What outcome am I looking for?
Why does it matter so much to me?

And then ask yourself:
Am I happy with my part in it?
Can I change it, or improve it?

Look at what you are in control of, what power you do have, and reassure yourself you have done all you can. Then you can take the pressure off and let go of your frustrations, expectations and desire for a particular outcome.And often you will find the outcome is much better - because you hadn't expected it.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” - Joseph Campbell

Remembering The Why: How to Find the Point of It All When You Feel Lost

Do you ever wonder ‘What is the point of it all?’

Do you ever feel lost and struggle to see your way ahead?

I have moments in my life where I lose interest in everything I am doing. I feel drained, exhausted and tired, waking up to the same day-to-day existence. Maybe things aren’t going my way, or I’m not achieving what I want - or they’re not happening fast enough. It all seems too much work to keep reaching for my dreams.

It’s in those moments we need to remember ‘the why’.

Some people might refer to this as having a purpose. In the self-help and personal development arena people talk about ‘living your purpose’, or ‘finding your purpose’, but I feel this relates to external factors: making something the objective, or intention, like children, a job or partner.

I believe ‘the why’ is more personal: it’s our own inner flame that burns inside and keeps us moving forward and focusing on what we want out of life, what we want to achieve emotionally, not just physically. 

“I am not interested in what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dream of meeting your heart’s longing” - Oriah

When we trip and fall it’s what gets us back up again. When we get lost along the path on a journey that seems to have diverted to somewhere else, it’s what brings us back on track, popping up like a signpost.

Sometimes we need to prioritise it, and fight for it to keep us moving towards it.

And no ‘why’ is the same; it is what resides deep within each individual’s heart and only they know.

If you are unsure what your why is, take time out to sit quietly and listen to yourself. Think about the things in your life, or anything that is troubling you, anything you are unsure about and don’t know if you want. When you think about these things, how do you feel? Which thoughts give you a positive feeling? Which dreams make your heart soar? What would you like to do? Which choices are you sure about?

Do this without taking into account any of the ‘ifs’, ‘shoulds’ or ‘buts’ in life – this isn’t about anyone else but YOU. 

The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling. - Fabienne Fredrickson

As a writer I often wonder about the point of my writing: Will anyone read it? Will they be interested? What will it achieve? And when I am on the brink of walking away from it entirely, I ask myself why I started writing in the first place. I go back to what inspired me to write in first place.

For me the answer is ‘because I want to express myself’: whether through a story, a blog post, or a tiny piece of fiction. I have an overwhelming need to express myself. My concern for how it will be received is overridden by my desire to do it.

The moment I find my ‘why’, I reconnect with it. My energy is restored; my motivation is rebooted. I can continue on, sure of what I am doing – and why.

We have to keep checking on the why, because if too much ‘what’s the point?’ builds up we can end up in an avalanche or landslide into the land of pointlessness, and get stuck in feelings of emptiness, depression and whole lot of darkness.

When we feel overwhelmed; when we don’t know which way is up; when we feel pulled in all directions, remembering the why brings us back to centre, putting the rug back under our feet.

Living without The Mask: How to be Okay and Be Vulnerable at the Same Time

Do you struggle to let others see who you really are?

Do you find it hard to talk openly about your thoughts and feelings?

Do you let others takeover conversations and keep your mouth shut? 

I discussed the ‘mask’ we create to protect ourselves in my Being Authentic post, and the steps we can take to remove it.

The next step is living without it.

At first this can be difficult; we may feel exposed, vulnerable and raw, causing us to flick between being defensive and being over emotional.

What is being defensive?

Being defensive is when we react sharply or aggressively to something said to us, about us; a comment that we perceive as negative and take as a criticism or insult. It hits a nerve – the nerve being our insecurity about ourselves.

“Defensiveness is usually someone silently screaming that they need you to value and respect them in disguise.”- Shannon L. Alder

We worry that what they said about us is true; or we may feel that we are NOT like they said, but worry that everyone believes we are. Either way it triggers a feeling of insecurity about who we are - a momentary identity crisis.

A defensive reaction will often bring about an uncomfortable or negative response, giving us reason to chide ourselves about our reaction later. This may lead us to return to the person we were defensive with and apologise, maybe becoming tearful or emotional at the same time as we expose our inner self. But this too can leave us feeling bad about ourselves, as though we have over shared, as we go from one extreme to another - defensive to submissive.

If we are not sure about who we are inside, we struggle to portray who we want to be seen as on the outside. This creates a conflict - a conflict based on a lack of confidence. We are conflicted between wanting others to accept us and being true to ourselves. And in lacking self confidence we may believe that who we truly are will not be accepted by others, hence the reason we created the mask in the first place. 

To live without it means letting go of pleasing others, seeking their approval, or putting their needs before our own; it means being honest about who we are - being vulnerable.

“Vulnerability is the courage to show up and be seen.”- Brene Brown

So as we struggle to find our true selves and work out who we are and start living that truth,  we can overreact and overcompensate. Neither of these two extremes represent who we are, or who we want to be, and we can remain on this sea-saw, struggling to find the balance for quite some time - on occasion returning to living behind the mask.

But the balance can be found once we start being comfortable with who we are and accepting ourselves, inside and out. Only once we stop fearing other people's responses and start embracing who we are, will we be able to show our true nature in a calm, positive way.

“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” - Stephanie Perkins

Here’s a list of ways we can do that:

•           Start caring about ourselves more and others less.

•           Stop apologising for who we are.

•           Stop overriding our own feelings to please others.

•           Accept that not everyone will like us, just as we don't have to like them. 

•           Be sure and honest about the things we do like and the things we don’t.

•           Be proud of ourselves, and appreciate all we do and achieve.

•           Remember that we are the most important person in our life.

•           Tell ourselves: All of me is what makes me the special unique person I am.

Give it a try and see if it helps find you the balance when living without the mask.

The Art of Being Present: How to Stop Worrying about Then or When

Do you find yourself worrying about things that you did in the past?

Do you worry about how your life is going to be in the future?

Does it distract you from what you are doing now, today?

In the busy lives we’ve created for ourselves it has become an art to remain present and live in the moment. To truly greet each day and only think about what is happening on that day, as well as being open to everyone and everything around us.

We spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about the future and wallowing in the past – or even chastising ourselves about the past and fantasising about the future! And when we do this, it can put us in an overwhelmed or anxious state, making it harder to bring ourselves back to the present moment.  

By being distracted by either the past or the future, we rob ourselves of time in the here and now. We wish our lives away quite literally by thinking over the past and wishing we could change it, or what we want from our imagined future. And when we do this, we miss what is right in front of us: the people, the place, and the shared experience.

“The present moment is the only moment available to us and it is the door to all other moment.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

For me personally, I realised that whenever I found myself in a situation I was not enjoying, or wasn’t what I hoped for or expected, I would drift off, disassociating myself from the present life and living in a fantasy one inside my head. I would disconnect from the present moment entirely.

This is a form of escapism. When I was young it enabled me to survive a painful childhood, but once grown up I continued this pattern of behaviour resulting in me feeling like I was standing on the outside of my life, desperately wanting to be a part of it, but believing that I didn’t belong, which only perpetuated the cycle of disconnection.

I didn’t know how to be present, how to step into the life around me and find it satisfying and rewarding. But over the course of several years in therapy I started to work it out; I started to understand how I could change my way of thinking and start engaging in my own life.

“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” – Abraham Maslow

These are the things I started doing:

1) Reducing Expectations

I talked in a previous post about how reducing expectations can enable us to enjoy events, and social interactions better. It also applies to the present moment. By not expecting or wanting a different outcome, and not fearing a repetition of the past, we can experience the here and now as it is, without any preconceived ideas, embracing the moments as they unfold.

2) Feeling Appreciation

I started a habit of appreciation. Some call this ‘living in gratitude’ and connect it to following religious faith, but it has no religious connotations for me, it is simply seeing the things I have around me, right there in that moment, on that day, and enjoying them and recognising how much I have in my life to be happy about.

3) Active Listening

This is the act of being present with people. It requires making eye contact, and taking the time to actually hear what someone else is saying. Registering it both physically and verbally, and engaging in a conversation, without being distracted either by other things, or other thoughts. Giving yourself over fully in that moment to the interaction you are having with another. Besides my own post about it this article on Changing Minds also explains how to go about it in more detail. 

4) Recognising the Power of Choice

I recognised I had a choice, both about how I chose to look at things, and in what I chose to do about them – even if that meant only changing my reaction rather than a physical action. I decided I was not a victim of my past, I was here now, and I could take steps to achieve the things I wanted, no matter how small, today. I could focus everyday on what I could do in that moment to bring about my future desires.

All of these things help me remain present. I still struggle with it some days, when I become overwhelmed by all the things I have to do to take care of my family, and all the things I want to achieve for myself. But I remind myself I don’t have to do it all today. I bring myself back to the day by noticing something as small as a flower in the garden, or a bird in a tree, or a cloud in the sky, and taking the time to see it, smell it, hear it, and feel that day, be in that moment, and not anywhere else in my mind.

“In the present, when we allow ourselves to fully live there, we are restored, made wiser, made deeper and happier.”- Marianne Williamson

Overcoming Overwhelm: Learning how to do it all, one thing at a time

Do you have days where you struggle to keep your mind on the task at hand?

Are you always thinking about the next thing you have to do and feeling anxious about it?

Do you feel exhausted at the end of the day but feel you haven’t done anything?

Feeling overwhelmed is common in today’s world. We live busy lives, trying to achieve a lot in a small amount of time. We juggle several things at once, like a job, raising a family, managing a home, and all that that entails.

Being overwhelmed often shows up in a physical form under the header of Stress. It manifests to varying degrees in a number of symptoms, such as anxiety, anger, frustration, insomnia, even depression.

It is particularly prevalent in those of us with busy or ‘noisy’ minds, who struggle to stop thinking about all the things we feel must get done today! Or who have overactive imaginations that insist on playing out all the ‘what if’ scenarios.

“There is nothing in this world that can trouble you as much as your own mind.” – Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

When I moved to a foreign country to be with my husband, I suffered insomnia every night for six months prior to the move date. I would wake up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep. Once my mind was awake and thinking about what was ahead of me, I couldn’t get it to rest again. The only thing I could do was get up, have a drink of water and sit and watch telly until I felt tired enough to fall asleep again. I was so overwhelmed by the thoughts of living in a foreign language and culture, and wondering how I would survive there, as well as being a city girl moving to a village. And after moving, the struggles and frustrations I went through trying to settle here continued to overwhelm me, despite trying to appear happy and satisfying everyone’s expectations of me – including my own.

Overwhelm can be a reaction to feelings that we aren’t able to express properly, either because we don’t have the time, or because we don’t want to feel them. If we don’t give ourselves proper time to process something, or we take on more than we are capable of we can become overwhelmed. We continue pushing ourselves to do more, to be more, and tell ourselves we are fine, when often we aren’t.

For me it resulted in a breakdown. My inability to express myself and share my feelings without fear of upsetting or disappointing those around me, coupled with feeling completely unsupported, meant I became lost in a negative spiral of thoughts and emotions which eventually shut me down. I felt powerless to change my feelings or my situation, and disappeared into a black hole in my head.

Fortunately though, I had enough clarity to seek help in the form of a therapist.

Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place. – Robin Lee

I learnt to deal with one thing at a time, rather than tackle everything together. I learnt how to break my feelings down and look at them separately, identifying those that I needed to work with more than others.

I learnt to not look too far ahead and focus on the short term instead, to look at what I could do today, or this year, and deal with situations as they arose, rather than try and anticipate them all in advance.

I learnt how I could look at the things I struggled with differently, from a new perspective, and find a way that would help me accept and see that I still had power in the form of choices. And step by step I managed to start moving forward again, reassessing my priorities and focusing on one thing at a time, one feeling at a time, and one task at a time.

I slowed everything down.

I learnt to stop focusing so much on the big picture, and potential future outcome, and focus on the here and now.

“The present moment is the only moment available to us, and it is the door to all moments.” – Thich Naht Hanh

I still have times that I find myself overwhelmed, and in those moments I ask myself what things I want to achieve today. I prioritise them, often by writing a list with the most important thing first. Then I strike everything below the top one and focus on that. I set aside specific time for it rather than try and squash it in between everything else. And when I focus on that one step I reduce the anxiety, and in turn the feeling of being overwhelmed. And often I then feel like I have achieved something and taken a step forward.  

“You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” – Timber Hawkeye

Do you experience overwhelm? How do you deal with it, what works for you? I’d love to hear.