Comparison - how to stop it, and live the life you want

Do you wonder how others do things? 

Do you see it as a failure on your part if you aren't doing things the way others are?

Comparison can be positive when it is in analysis of statistics to gain more information, or in decision making. But when used to compare ourselves to others, or comparing someone else’s life to our own can often lead to negative feelings like regret, frustration, sadness, depression, even anxiety.

We all get stuck in the trap of comparing ourselves to others from time to time, whether materialistic things or not. We've all coveted a neighbour’s garden, car, or holiday. We’ve all looked at someone’s success and compared it to our own, and been left disappointed with what we’ve achieved.

“The reason we struggle so much with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlights reel.”- Steve Furtick

Those are clear cut examples of comparison, but there is a more insidious kind that is almost unconscious. It lies in conditioning within our society and culture, and is when we don’t do what the herd does, or matches what the herd does, and we are ousted and excluded, or ridiculed.

The pressure to stand true to ourselves is hard. If we think differently, take different actions, or desire different things, from tiny things to how you live your day to day life, run your household, do your job, raise your children, to how you respond to people, how open you are, how you see things from another perspective. It can be difficult. 

But the truth is we are not all the same, and not just in likes and dislikes and preferences, but in how we receive information, how we process things, how we respond or react to things. And this can make it so much harder, and cause us to be harder on ourselves.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Teddy Roosevelt

A recent chat with a friend was a prime example of this. They felt they could not meditate, because they weren’t doing it ‘right’, because they were unable to follow online meditations due to struggling with visualisation.

Not everyone sees in pictures, some people see in words. My friend is an incredible poet, but felt limited because she couldn't conjure up the images the person narrating the meditation suggested. She felt she was wrong, or there was something wrong with her that she wasn't able to do this. But I told her that that is not the case; everyone has their own way, and not everyone can visualise and that’s normal. I could the relief in her face.

I see it in books I read on self-help, too, especially those that have a spiritual basis. Some of them define ways you should see/feel/process things. They are written as though it is only that way. But every person has their own way; they process things in their own way. They imagine things and relate to things differently; symbols mean different things to each individual.

These are external small pressures we as individuals often feel, and they can mount up. Small ways we feel we don’t fit into the crowd and are failing somehow.

With some people it can make them angry, and resentful, even causing them to reject an entire community, topic, or convention; wasting time and energy being hateful towards it or complaining about it. Others might view this behaviour as bitter or jealous, yet really it is a reaction to feeling insecure. They might like to be a part of it, but they don’t fit with the expected behaviour/method/thought process. They struggle to adjust to what is required. They haven’t worked out how they can encompass it in a way that works for them. This can lead to isolation, depression, or feeling ostracised.

“Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and moon. They shine when it’s their time.” – Abhishek Chauhan

So how do we stop feeling this way? How do we stop comparing ourselves?

We start by recognising when we are making those comparisons, and the negative or limiting impact they have on us. Identifying the areas they show up in and assessing how we feel about them.

When you look at others and what they are doing, and maybe feel anxious that you are not where they are, tell yourself, I’m doing what I’m doing, and I’m okay with where I am at. I don’t need to be there, or doing that. Reaffirm your own goals, and your own steps, as well as acknowledging the achievements you have made.

Only compare in a positive way, in a way that inspires you to better yourself. If you look at what someone is doing, you might think, ‘I want to do that too.’ But rather than then look at it as a failure that you are not,  look at how they are doing whatever it is you want to be doing, ask questions, get informed about how to go about - decide if it really is what you want to be doing, and then make your own way there. Use them as a positive role model.

Don’t let external pressures dictate who you want to be and how you want to show up. Take pride in your uniqueness.

Find your own way. Cherry pick if you like. Find what suits you.

Remind yourself there is no right or wrong way - only the way that works for you.

This your journey, your path, not theirs. 

You deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be known for the real deal that you are. The best place in life is where you’re already okay. Come home to you. It’s where you belong.” - Anne Bechard

Don't doubt - Do! How to crush self-doubt

Do you spend a lot of time doubting your talents?

Do you overthink everything you do, until you are not sure about anything?

Do you not know which step to take, so end up not taking any steps at all?

Overthinking and doubting yourself and your talents can keep you stuck in life. I should know, I have been there, and still find myself back there from time to time. Sometimes it feels like being on a stop and start ride at times. It's difficult to navigate out of repetitive negative thoughts and behaviors, and, as is often the case, what lies behind them is lack of self-confidence. 

"When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt."- Honore de Balzac

Not believing in yourself, your talents, or your ability to accomplish your dreams, manifests itself in self-doubt, procrastination and self-sabotage, which then leads into further negative thoughts and feelings. 

They are all symptoms of deep seated feelings of lack within yourself: you lack the belief you are worthy, you are good enough, or that you belong.

And although it is worth uncovering where the roots of these feelings begin - what caused them - it's more important to find out how to change them. 

Yes, it is possible to change how you feel about yourself because I've done it.

When I began, I realised that the key thing I was missing in believing in myself was self-trust. I didn't trust myself to do what needed to be done, from small things to big thing. I didn't trust myself to follow-through, be persistent or consistent. I didn't trust myself not to let myself down. 

Trust and believing in yourself walk hand in hand. If you don't trust yourself, you won't believe in yourself.

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you, all they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."- Richard Bach

So how do you trust yourself? You trust yourself by listening to yourself.

I don't mean the constant stream of thoughts in your head that spin around, asking more questions than they answer, and providing tainted 'evidence' about your self-worth gathered from the outside world. I mean listening to your heart. That means sitting down and just reaching out your conscious mind to your body, feeling every part of it, and settling on the heart. And then asking how it feels about the things you are struggling with, and feel the physical response your body gives. 

Feelings are a physical thing. You feel bad when you feel sick to your stomach, tense your muscles, or feel tired; and you feel good by the opposite: a spark of excitement in your stomach, relaxing your muscles, or feeling energised.

Listening to your heart means tuning into your body, and its response. It is how you connect to yourself. You trust what you know and if you know how you feel about something, you can trust it.

However, it doesn't stop second guessing, or doubting those feelings. The trick to breaking that mental cycle is a simple one: Action.

"An inch of movement will take you closer to your goals that a mile of intention." - Steve Maraboli

If you take action based on your true feelings you start building something that is past the questioning stage, something tangible. You are supporting your feelings by doing something. You are following through. And the more times you do that - take action based off your true feelings - the more you will trust both your feelings and yourself. It supports belief in your feelings and creates trust for the next time and then the next, building a rapport with yourself, a history, and a connection.  

Yes, it sounds easy, doesn't it? But no, it's not. You have to believe you are worth it, and take the time for you. If you honestly want to change how you feel, you have to make time for you and your feelings.  You have to get to a point where you tell yourself, I am worth my time. 

And what if those actions don't work out, or fail? What then? Then the cycle begins again. 

Consider what didn't work, or what you need to change to make it work, and try again. As long as you stay true to how you feel and take action that is committed and wholehearted and not doubting, you will at the very least learn something that will help you try again and be successful.  

This is not a one time only deal. You choose to give yourself a second chance every time. You choose to decide you are worth it. Life is trial and error. But until you stop listening to the doubts and actually take action, you will never know. 

Are you worth the risk? The longer you dawdle over the answer, and don't take action, the more room you leave for self doubt. 

So don't doubt - DO!

“The path to success is to take massive, determined action.”– Tony Robbins

Setting an intention: what it means & how to make it work

Do you have all these things you want to do but never get to them?

Do you want to feel more committed to the things you want to do?

Do you feel your attention is split and you end up wasting time?

Another topic that is spoken about a great deal in the personal development world is ‘setting an intention’. It is often spoken about in relation to ‘The Law of Attraction’ and how to attract the things you want to bring into your life. But, as is often the case, it is a very simple and easy concept that has been dressed up to be more than it is.

At its root it is about setting goals. Whether it is a day to day task, or a much larger project, an ambition or dream, it is about getting the idea in your head and defining it for yourself.

You can write it down, you can say it out loud, whatever works for you, but the very basis is stating it in some form so you are clear on exactly what you want, or intend to do, whether it is that day, that week, that month or even that year.

The focus here is in the act of actually stating your intention – that is ‘setting’ it.

By doing this you have a direction to move in, you have a purpose, an action to take, one that will bring you closer to what you want to achieve. Your mind can focus on the steps you need to take to complete it.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”– Tony Robbins

For me, writing it down works. It enables me to refer to it as many times as I need and break down the steps into manageable chunks. If I get distracted or become unclear about what I need to do, I can look at it again. This repetition helps solidify the intention and set it as a foundation to build on – hence, the term ‘setting an intention’.

As a writer, I approach it like a story: I have a direction, a few scenes, and an ending in mind, which I move towards. Occasionally I get caught up in a character or go off into a side story, so I remind myself of my original plan, what my intention for the story was, the original core idea and return my focus to it.

But whether you are a writer or not, breaking it down into small steps – some of them small enough to do on a daily basis – makes it easier to see your progress and feel like you are getting somewhere and believe it is possible.  Decide on a physical action or on an amount of time each day you want to devote to it.

“Action is the foundational key to all success.” – Pablo Picasso

And if you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of what you are aiming for, or struggle to believe you can achieve it, return to the reason behind it – your ‘Why’. This helps refresh your motivation and the initial intention behind what you are trying to achieve. It will keep you moving forward, and keep up the momentum needed to hold on to the commitment you made to yourself.

Part of feeling you have achieved anything is trusting yourself and not letting yourself down; being proud of yourself for holding on and following through no matter how many times you feel you have failed.

You need to invest in yourself and connect with your truth – what you really want in your heart of hearts – to be able to succeed.

“Investing and Connecting is one of the key factors in turning any intention into reality”. - Rhonda Britten

The cross over with the ‘Law of Attraction’ is the idea that if you focus on the things you want you can ‘attract’ them to you. If you remain committed, you can make it happen. If you believe you can and remind yourself why you want to, and keep moving forward towards it with consistent, persistent action, anything is possible.

So, by ‘setting an intention’ of what you want to do, you are already turning your mind to it, you are already opening doors to it, and how to go about achieving it, actively looking for opportunities. This in turn will uncover them and you will learn new things, meet new people and keep progressing towards that intention.

“Our intentions create our reality.” – Wayne Dyer

So each time you have a bad day, or think you have failed in something you want to do, remind yourself of what you are trying to achieve; remind yourself of the reason behind it and commit to it again.

You can set an intention every single day.

You can write a new ‘to do’ list every day.

You can do one small thing towards your goal every day.

 It’s all down to believing that you can and then taking action.

That is what is behind ‘setting an intention’.

“The successful warrior is the average man with laser-like focus.” – Bruce Lee 

Are you respecting yourself? How to appreciate YOU!

Do you feel people ignore you or don’t listen to what you say?

Do you feel unsupported and as though you’re not appreciated?

Do you get upset and frustrated by these feelings?

Do you dream of being valued and admired?

I do. I feel unappreciated and undervalued regularly. I feel unsupported by those around me and ignored generally. But what I’ve realised is that I’m the one who is ignoring me; I don’t appreciate or support myself emotionally, and I definitely struggle with valuing myself.

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price”. – Unknown

Recently my husband did something minor that upset me and I thought to myself ‘he doesn’t respect me!’ But then I stopped and asked myself, is that true? And I realised it wasn’t. Then I thought about why I felt that way and asked myself, it’s you who isn’t respecting youself, isn’t it? I was reflecting how I felt about myself onto my husband.

You see, I’ve been working toward self-trust by feeling and listening to my feelings, setting boundaries and limits as a way to create self-confidence and self-assurance. I’ve been working on self-care and self-love to build myself up, but I hadn’t stopped to ask myself if I was proud of how far I’d come and earnt some self-respect through this process.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve been angry at myself for a long time, especially about moving overseas for someone who I felt let down and unsupported by. And that anger has led to behavior that has damaged my marriage and affected my ability to parent effectively, frustrating my desire to be a calm interactive mum. And I’ve had a lot of feelings from my abusive childhood to confront and work through before I could begin on the current stuff. It’s been hard. 

So I ask myself: do I respect the effort I've made to repair the damage in my marriage and the commitment to being a better mum? And I realise I struggle with being proud of myself about anything.

So how do I change this and earn some self-respect? What do I need to do to change my thinking to achieve that?

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

I start by looking at how I approach the things I want to do. My expectations of myself are low. I accept that I am not disciplined or have no will-power to follow through as quickly as I would like. I avoid committing myself to anything - including my dreams. I delay and make excuses and procrastinate – a procrastination that’s based in fear.

But the fear is not about failure, it’s about success. If I succeed then I have to sustain that success and hold myself to a higher standard and have an expectation of myself. But what if I let myself down? What if I’m not good enough?

When I back-track the feeling of not being good enough, I arrive at my parents. As a child I wasn’t enough to get their attention or their interest, or hold it for more than a few minutes. Most of the time I felt like a burden – and they often told me I was. The wounds from that live on in my current life, showing up in the form of not feeling good enough in my present relationships or friendships. I feel undervalued and as though it is my fault in some way and that I’m doing something wrong. 

I am doing something wrong – I’m not respecting myself. 

I’m busy looking for validation or approval from them, rather than from myself. I’m waiting for other people to tell me I’m ok before I let myself feel ok. I’m forgetting that the only approval I need is mine; that the only person’s permission I need to feel good about myself is my own.

 “Respect yourself and others will respect you.” - Confusius

The next thing to do to start valuing myself is look at all the things I’ve achieved that I can be proud of, like giving up smoking, finishing my novel, and self-publishing a collection of my writing. But I need to also look at my day to day and all the things I do on a daily basis too.

A few years ago I worked through a book called ‘Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. One of the chapters is called ‘Overfunctioning’, which offers an exercise where you write a list of all the things you do day to day and prioritise them from 1-4: 

1 = ‘must do’

2 = ‘can do but can let it slide’

3 = ‘not sure if that is for me to be doing’

4 = ‘it’s not my job’

When I first did this I was shocked at how much I did and how many things weren’t really my responsibility, as well as how many I could let go, or pass over to my husband. Doing this exercise again I see that I’m still doing a great deal.

So I need to acknowledge that and appreciate and value how much I am doing. Take a moment to feel good about that.

But is that all I need to do? Write a list and pat myself on the back and maybe do some positive affirmations and I’ll respect myself? No.

It goes deeper than that. I need to believe that my dreams and goals are inevitable and not a 'maybe or a ‘one day’ – that with persistent continuous action they WILL happen. I need to believe I have the determination and self-discipline to see them through.

“Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power.” - Clint Eastwood

It’s only through action that I can earn my self-respect. I need to show myself that I take myself seriously. I need to value everything I do as well as acknowledge how much I do.

And not only the big achievements either; it can be small things too. Not just the publication of my book, but creating the schedule that I followed to keep writing regularly to complete that book.

This, coupled with a commitment to self-care, nurturing and loving myself, and not judging or critcising myself, can build a foundation of self-respect.

If I see what I can achieve and how capable I am, it will spark me to do more, rather than make excuses.

Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how great you are, if you don’t see it yourself? - Unknown.

What is Integrity? How to Create Limits & Boundaries

Do you give in to what others want to keep the peace?

Do you compromise your feelings on a topic to avoid confrontation?

Does this make you lose respect for yourself?

Do you get angry with yourself afterwards?

Integrity is a word that gets used a great deal when talking about personal issues. People with integrity are considered people to aspire to and respect. But what is integrity, and how do we obtain it?

Integrity meaning: 1) the quality of being honest & morally upright; 2) the state of being whole or unified. (Oxford English Dictionary)

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why I get so angry with myself, and mostly it’s because I’ve said yes to something I don’t really want to do. I say yes because I feel guilty if I say no. Maybe the other person wants to do it and I feel like I am stopping them if I don’t; maybe I feel like I am disappointing them if I don’t. Either way I’ll agree to things to keep the peace, to try and please someone, but I end up annoyed with myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time working out how to start listening to myself and my feelings, and learning to trust myself and put myself first, but I have struggled to do that when it comes to interacting with other people. On my own I am quite firm, but with other people, especially those close to me like my husband and my children, I will let their wishes override mine because otherwise I feel like I’m being mean or selfish. But it hasn’t helped me – or them. I have ended up becoming frustrated with myself, and angry with them. And then no one has a good time.

What I realised I needed to do was set personal limits and boundaries. And on the face of it, that seemed quite simple. But it is not just setting up rules for yourself, saying, ‘I’ll accept this, but not that’, ‘I’m okay with this, but not that’ – although that can work - it goes deeper, it is about your sense of self and your personal identity. And I realised that was what people meant when they talked about ‘integrity’. 

“Integrity simply means a willingness not to violate one’s identity.” – Erich Fromm

It wasn’t just about setting some rules and teaching people those rules, as in ‘okay, this is what I will and won’t tolerate from you’, it was about listening to myself inside and knowing who I was and what I stood for within the relationship to myself as well as to those outside of me.

It wasn’t just about what things I wanted to do, what places I wanted to go, or what my politics were or what I believed in, it was about my very sense of self, my right to BE. It was about my self-worth.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

Only once I realised I was valuable as a person, that I was worthy of everything in life, was I able to think clearly in terms of my personal limits and boundaries. And I could only hold those limits and boundaries once I was sure that I wouldn’t violate them myself, that I wouldn’t try and second guess and persuade myself to do something I didn’t really want to do, for the desire to please another. (A desire they were oblivious to, I might add, as in most cases they were unaware it wasn’t something I wanted to do – until I got angry after the fact!)

Once I was true to my heart and able to trust myself to care about my own feelings, could I say I had integrity. And then those limits and boundaries weren’t rules I had to set and make sure I followed and keep a tight hold on, like a referee making sure no one goes over the line, they became the standard, the foundation of who I was and the basis I made decisions from. 

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” - Gerard Manly Hopkins

It took me several years to understand this and several steps:

1. First I had to listen to my feelings and be a friend to myself. Realise that the inner me was as important as the outer me, and that I was worth giving my own time and attention to. 
2. Then I had to trust my feelings and show them respect, not belittle them or overrule them all the time, or second guess them. I had to stand up for them – I had to stand up for me.
3. I then had to care about those feelings, and nurture them, consider myself someone I wanted to love and care about. (NB: caring about the thoughts I have about myself is as important as caring about my physical body. If I want my body to be well and pain-free I need to feed it healthy food and exercise it, so if I want my mind to think clearly and be able to make good decisions I have to feed it positive thoughts that are supportive of me as a person and constructive to what I want).
4. Once that had been achieved, the limits and boundaries came naturally. I could think more clearly about what I was and wasn’t prepared to do to please others. I started automatically considering myself in all my decisions: factoring in my own wishes and desires.

From there on out I factored myself into everything I did – something that people who have integrity don’t even have to consciously do.

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”- Doreen Virtue

It’s not easy to work all this out. We all have to find our own routes into this. I definitely didn’t have a full understanding of integrity until I understood what limits and boundaries were (and that I had none) and how to set them. It took active action.

I would look up information about how to set limits and boundaries and write out what I wanted mine to be and focus on them. I had to stop myself and ask myself whether I was going along with something to please someone or if I genuinely wanted to do it, especially whether it would be a decision that I would regret later on down the line.

I would also ask myself, what would happen if I said no here? Often the result of saying no to something was a lot easier than my guilt had led me to believe.

Learning to say no is part of building self-esteem and self-worth, thus coming full circle. Integrity is knowing your worth and not compromising it.

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” - Barbara De Angelis

How to be accepting & stop resisting what you don't like about your life

Do you get frustrated by the things you can’t change or control in your life?

Do you get angry when things don’t go the way you want?

Do you waste time and energy refusing to accept the ways things are?

 “Resistance is futile”- The Borg Collective - Star Trek: First Contact 😉

I am a not a Trekkie per se, but The Borg were correct. It will cause you more trouble than it’s worth to resist assimilation.

There are some things that you can’t change or control in life, but resisting them will cause you more pain in the long term and keep you stuck in a negative place for longer than necessary.

My best friend used to repeat to me on the phone, “Accept and allow, go with the flow of life.” It took me years to fully understand and embrace this concept. I could understand it in theory but it felt like an unachievable goal for me. I found everything difficult.

Even though I made decisions to do things – like moving to a foreign country and culture to be with my partner - I resisted them. Often it was because I didn’t really want to do them and I was doing them to please another, but I made it harder on myself by refusing to accept that it was a choice that I had made and not one that was forced upon me.

I was locked in the victim mindset.

In the instance of moving to a foreign country for love, this led me to reject what I found there: the friends, community, and the different culture. And rather than embrace the life on offer, I resisted it. I attempted a few things, but when they didn’t go the way I wanted or didn’t achieve the results I was looking for, I felt stuck and I fixated on feeling powerless.

I longed for the things I didn’t have and only focused on what was missing from my life. I became miserable, tense, stressed, frustrated and very angry. For me this manifested mentally in a breakdown in 2008, and physically in two slipped discs in my neck in 2014.

“Resisting what is happening is a major cause of suffering.” -  Pema Chodron 

But it was during the pain I experienced with the slipped disc in my neck (which trapped a nerve, putting my right shoulder and arm in excruciating pain for 8 weeks at a time – they slipped twice) that I learnt to surrender.

I learnt to accept that I couldn’t do anything. I let go of everything – all the expectations I had of myself and of others, all the things I thought I had to do, all the chores I did to try and feel that my life was worth living. I could do nothing, so I did nothing.

And what I found was that there were people to support me and my husband to pick up the slack. And when you aren’t able to lose your temper over something petty, you respond differently - quietly and calmly, and people respond differently.

Within the pain I found the calm I was seeking.

“You can't calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” - Timber Hawkeye

I had to surrender.

I don’t like to use the word surrender, because to me it means to give up – but I didn’t give up, I opened up.

I accepted that this was how things were going to be and to let go in that moment. I let others help me; I relinquished control; I stopped and observed the life around me.

In accepting that time (and fortunately recovering) I was able to understand that I needed to accept other aspects of my life too. I needed to look at what I did have in my life and appreciate it and embrace it. I started to take walks in nature and appreciate where I was living. I stopped thinking about my future and where my life was going, and started living in the present.

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu

When the noise in my mind would start up about where I wanted to live, what I wanted to be doing with my life, and how I felt like I was stagnating and not growing, I would just let the noise go.

I would hear it, register it, but know that I could only get to where I wanted to step by step, day by day. I took the end goal, the one thing I wanted to do the most, and broke it down into small steps - things I could achieve on a daily basis.

This enabled me to feel like I was moving forward. I would still have moments of frustration, but rather than fight that frustration I would allow myself to feel it – journal it out, or express it to a trusted friend, but then I would let it go.

“Resisting your negative feelings just keeps you stuck.” - Kute Blackson

When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me I thought too much about what I was doing to make the learning process easy. He said he could always tell when I started thinking about what I was doing because I would stall the car or crunch the gears. He said, “If you just let go and let your body do what you have trained it to do, it will be much easier. When you think about it, you interrupt the flow.”

By thinking about what I was doing I was letting my brain take over and panic about what I was doing. If I had accepted that I did know and allowed the training to flow through me, I wouldn’t have had a problem.

Often resistance is built up from having too many expectations. If we drop expectation of how something will be, and of ourselves in that situation, and not focus on a desired outcome, we can accept whatever happens organically.

We can release ourselves from the need to control. We become open to whatever happens. And accepting how our life is, in that moment, brings freedom and peace.

“It takes radical acceptance to bring inner peace.”- Kute Blackson

It can be a struggle to accept where you are in life if it is not what you want or where you saw yourself being. You can be consumed with trying to change it. But while you are spending time looking at all the things that aren’t working, you are closed to what IS working.

But how do you stop, if you are truly unhappy with your situation?

Have you ever thought about taking a holiday from your thinking?

If there is something you know you can’t do anything about right now, such as: move house, move job, create more time for yourself, go traveling, then set a date in the future  - a month, 6 months, a year from now, when you can review it again.

And every time you find yourself thinking about it, say, “No, I'm not going to think about that until *insert date*.”

I found this worked to stop me constantly thinking about how to change my situation. I knew I wouldn’t be able to for more than a year, so I set a date to review it the following year. And every time I thought about it, I stopped myself. I said, no, I’m not going to think about that now. I took a holiday from thinking about it. And the more often I stopped myself from thinking about it, the easier it became, until I was thinking about it less and less.

And what also happened, during that holiday, was say to myself, okay, I’m here for the next year, so how can I enjoy and embrace the life I have right now?

It changed the entire perspective I had on the life I was actually living. I was able to engage more with the people in my life and create a better day to day existence.

It broke the habit of the negative frustrated thoughts I was experiencing and allowed me to concentrate on the things that I could change in my life at that moment, and give myself room to work on the things that would help me move forward to the change I did want to see.

By accepting my life as it was I'd freed myself from being a victim in my life, which enabled me to find my personal power over the things I could do something about. It gave me freedom and peace of mind.

“Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” – Eckhart Tolle

Self-Love: How to Love Yourself & Why You Should

Do you know whether you like yourself or not? Have you ever asked yourself?

Are you kind to yourself when things go wrong or do you scold yourself?

Do people tell you, you’re hard on yourself?

“Love yourself first because that's who you'll be spending the rest of your life with.”– Paulo Coelho

There is a lot in personal development and self help about loving yourself and being self-approved (the first one tends to lead to the second). It is a fundamental building block in finding your own sense of authenticity or ‘being authentic’ – meaning taking off the public mask and not being afraid to show others who you really are, and relaxing around people. 

You may have heard the term ‘Self Care’ recently. It is the new buzz word for loving yourself. It means to take time out for yourself: buy yourself something special, spend time with yourself in solitude or in meditation, walking in nature, or doing something you want to do that you would normally consider too extravagant or time consuming.

Some people think that ‘self-care’ or ‘self-love’ or ‘believing in yourself’ is selfish, that you are only thinking of yourself and your own happiness. But you are the most important person in your life – even as a parent your children are dependent on your health and happiness, and your ability to function on a daily basis.

“Loving yourself isn’t vanity, it’s sanity.” – Andre Gide

When I began the journey to start loving myself, it was to try and achieve a sense of calm about everything in my life. I was defensive, sensitive and reacted to people, usually with unsuccessful outcomes. I was angry and frustrated, and I needed to find a way to change that. I realised that I hadn’t spent much time with myself - in fact initially I had been scared to spend time with myself. I would do anything to avoid being on my own. I would liken it to loneliness. Spending time alone meant emptiness and sadness to me. It meant spending time with my feelings, which I was trying to avoid. As a child I hadn’t been allowed to express my feelings or have feelings, so I had no idea how to deal with them.

It was only when I went travelling on my own for a year that I started to understand myself better. On a daily basis I met new people and I would listen to what I talked about and what I told them, and notice how I reacted to them. I started to hear my own story and notice my reactions and behaviours. I started to know myself and see parts of myself I liked, and by the end of my trip I discovered I enjoyed my own company, and was fine spending time in solitude.  

“Stop hating yourself for everything you're not. Start loving yourself for everything you are.” – unknown

But not everyone can go travelling to ‘find themselves’, so how do you go about loving yourself while living your day to day life?

Step one: Listen to yourself: your feelings, your thoughts, your response to things externally. Don’t concentrate on any specific one, just listen to all of it, without judgement, without any expectation. During this process you will start to understand your own thoughts and opinions about things.

Step two: Trust your feelings: Trust how you feel about things: from what you might want to eat in the morning, to the state of the world. Some feelings might feel bad, or ‘wrong’, but they are your feelings, so hear them out. Believe them, rather than argue with them. Reason with them or sympathise with them. Find a place that you can start feeling comfortable about them. Don’t cover them up; be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you think you have to change how you feel to suit others, ask yourself why? Are you putting their feelings before your own? Why are you compromising yourself for another? Know the reasons why you think and feel the way you do, but don’t justify them. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone. 

Step three: Set Personal Boundaries: Boundaries are to stop you compromising too much of yourself to suit others. Decide how you want to be treated: what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. Define where your limits are. Not being true to yourself will disrupt your sense of self. If you change your mind to suit another, or do something you are not really happy or comfortable with, you are compromising yourself – your feelings, your truth - and that can leave you feeling bad about yourself, resulting in guilt, regret, even resent and anger. By setting personal boundaries and trusting your own feelings and thoughts, and being clear about what you do and don’t want, you can achieve your own sense of inner security. If you are sure about who you are, it doesn’t matter what others externally say or do.  

“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves.” – Leon Brown

There are a great deal of articles and books on this topic. A book I have found helpful is Mirror Work by Louise Hay. In this book, you are guided through exercises where you look at yourself in a mirror and talk to yourself – to your inner child (the part of you inside that was once a child). It helps you uncover previous painful events and helps you release that pain and learn to appreciate who you are in the present moment. It teaches you how to be comfortable with yourself.

This book also highlights how you talk to yourself. Many of us might be kind to others, but we aren’t very pleasant to ourselves. When we start listening to what we are saying to ourselves, often we will find a negative stream of dialogue: berating ourselves over things from the past, present and even future scenarios, or constant criticism over how we look, feel or present ourselves.

If you hear yourself doing this, ask yourself: “If someone externally was saying these things to me, how would I feel?” Would you be upset, offended, even angry? If so then ask yourself: “Why am I saying these things to myself? Why am I not standing up for myself? Why am I not being a friend to myself?”

To practice self-love, let that voice speak, but don’t engage with it - know that it is not the truth. Not every thought you have in your head is true or real. And a lot of the noise in our heads is put there by other people: family, school friends, work colleagues. It is their perception of us, which is a reflection of themselves: their own thoughts and feelings. It is not who you are, and by listening and learning who you are, you can be sure of that.

“Be careful how you are talking to yourself, because you are listening.” – Lisa M Hayes

Compassion and empathy are feelings that we express when we care about someone deeply, and we want the best for them. They allow us to be non-judgemental and support people in being who they are and appreciating them. By listening to and trusting our feelings we are showing compassion and empathy for ourselves. We can then appreciate all the positive things about who we are and what we can bring to the world.

Self-love is something that can take years to build, but once you achieve it, you have a foundation of inner security: of trusting who you are and being sure of yourself. No longer questioning the things you do or feeling bad about them. It’s not easy, it takes courage to stand up and be honest about who you are, but you find that you start caring less about what others think and say about you. You realise that only what you think matters - because it is the only thing that impacts you.

“If you are not good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you will resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”- Barbara De Angelis