Mirroring & Modelling: how to change it to create a better life

Did you grow up happy? 

Did you have happy parents and a sense of love at home and connection and community around you?

Do you find it easy to create the same in your own life?

We model behaviour based off what we learn as children. We mirror what we see as we grow up and subconsciously copy it. Depending on what we experience, depends on how it will affect our lives.

“Children are great imitators, so give them someone great to imitate”. – Joy D Jones

I grew up with a sense of fear and dread. I didn’t feel connected to anyone, that I was safe, or that I belonged. My mother was negative about everything in her life: herself, her children, everything around her. She had been raised with the same negative toxicity and she created more by repeating that example.

I struggled once out on my own to stop myself doing the same, but it has taken many years. It had become so engrained and was all I had known all my life. I remember one defining moment, when a friend said to me ‘the only person you think is neurotic is yourself’.

From that point on I began to hear the negative self talk inside my head, which I reflected out into and onto my world, and began a long journey to break that pattern of thinking and create a new one, so I could create a better life for myself.

“Never use others as a mirror to judge yourself by, their view may be distorted”. - Unknown

The people we attract into our lives mirror ourselves, which in turn mirrors the people we are raised by, because we subconsciously copy the behaviour, reactions and actions of our parents. We repeat what was modelled for us and seek out people, subconsciously, that respond to us in the same way our parents did.

I started to find that my long-term relationships felt empty; I felt disconnected and unfulfilled. I didn’t feel that they were interested in me, or even liked me. I became angry, feeling hurt and disrespected. I didn’t think my partner cared. I didn’t feel listened to, emotionally supported, and I believed my partners were emotionally unavailable to me. This is how I felt as a child, in response to how my mother treated me.

Then I understood two things:

1. I was empty, disconnected and emotionally unavailable myself – both to my own feelings and to those of my partner;
2. My partners were mirroring my behaviour and responding to me the same way my mother did.

Not only did I mirror my mother’s behaviour in my own negative talk (both internally and externally), I was disconnected and had become emotionally unavailable to my partners and unresponsive. This was exactly how she had treated me when I was a child. And I demanded support from my partners, while at the same time rejecting it – just as she had done.

“Life, like a mirror, never gives back more than we put into it.” – Unknown.

And when I looked back on my relationships and my marriage, I realised that all the men I had sought and attracted had been emotionally unavailable. They treated me as I treated myself: they didn’t listen to me, weren’t interested in anything I had to say, and often ignored me, and especially my feelings - just like my parent had done.

Fundamentally I was trying to get my partners to fulfil something that was missing within me. I realised I was still seeking attention and approval I didn’t receive as a child. I wanted to be heard, and noticed and cherished. And I learned that to resolve this I needed to start giving it to myself.

When I started giving myself time and attention – listening to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, focusing positive energy on myself – I started to find what I needed. Self-approval worked to satisfy my needs.

And then once I stopped demanding all that time and attention from those externally, it gave them room to be who they were, and step forward and connect with me in an honest and authentic way, rather than being forced.

This really hit home for me when I became a parent, when I heard myself use the words my mother used, the behaviours she displayed and the actions she took. So many were unconscious, the most profound being that I had always felt like a burden and like a problem my mother wanted to be rid of. I became aware that I was beginning to treat my children the same: The more difficult I found them, the more of a burden they became.

But once I changed my perspective and dialogue with them, seeing them as people to be loved and cherished and that I wanted to connect with, they changed along with me, and everyone began to feel more secure and stable. And I managed to displace the sense of fear and dread I had started to mirror and model from my own childhood. I wanted to feel connected to them with a sense of warmth and love; to have a bond and a sense of belonging, and I managed to begin to create that and it felt a whole lot better.

“By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life.” – Eric Allenbaugh

So when you find yourself modelling or mirroring behaviour that isn’t working for you, think about how you can change it.

The first step is becoming conscious of it.

The next is how you can change it: internally by changing your thoughts and perspective to what you DO want to feel and see, and externally in the ways you act and react. 

Attracting those that are the same – people that mirror us – means those people are often missing something too. This can cause difficulties, especially when we change. We either grow together or we grow apart. But either way you have to be honest with yourself if you really want to live an emotionally fulfilled life.

Projecting & Reflecting: What it is & how to stop doing it.

What is Projecting and Reflecting?

Do you accuse others of things you are guilty of yourself?

Do you point out in others things you are doing yourself? 

This is part one of two posts about patterns of behaviour, and how we get stuck in repeating negative destructive patterns, and how we can overcome them once we recognise and understand them.

In a previous blog post about Perception and Perspective, I talk about how we interpret what we experience, and how that interpretation colours our point of view and ongoing experience. Our perception of the world is based on what we think, and our perspective is affected by our experience. We process everything – from how we feel, how we think, to how we experience it – in this way. And our expectation of everything around us is based off this same perception and perspective.

Projecting and reflecting works the same way. We project and reflect our feelings onto someone or something based on how we are feeling at that moment, or how we have previously experienced something.

The most common example of projecting and reflecting our feelings is when we do it with animals. We’ll look at an animal and imagine how they are feeling based on how we are feeling. We imagine what we think we would feel if we were them. And if we are not feeling good about ourselves this won’t be positive – the animal is sad, the animal is not having a good time. (I am not talking about an instance where this is actually true like an abused animal, I mean a pet that is just sitting there minding its own business and we are observing it.)

We do the same with people: we look at someone and we read their expression, behaviour or body language based on how we’re feeling at the time.

If our perception or perspective of our external world is coloured by our internal thoughts and feelings, it will affect how we react to those around us. When we project or reflect our negative feelings it is often based in insecurity about ourselves, and it works against us.

 “Projecting your anger or emotions on another crosses universal law and ensures a returned karma.” – Ariaa Jaeger

For example: if I’m angry with myself about something, I might accuse someone else of being angry with me. I am projecting/reflecting my emotion onto someone externally.

I have heard myself tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, but when I stopped and thought about it I realised that it wasn’t him who wasn’t respecting me, it was me! I was reflecting my own lack of self-respect onto him and blaming him for it.

I have also found myself saying to my husband, ‘you don’t think I’m a good parent’, when actually it is me that thinks I’m not a good parent – or fear that I am not a good parent and that everyone thinks that too.

Projecting/reflecting our fears or negative beliefs about ourselves onto others is quite common, and often the basis for a lot of negative patterns of behaviour and self-destructive actions. We can sabotage friends and relationships this way.

For example: if I am in a social situation that I am not comfortable in, or where I don’t feel I belong, I might say to myself, ‘these people don’t like me’, but in fact I am the one who thinks they don’t like me because I don’t feel comfortable. I am projecting my negative thoughts about myself onto the situation because I am fearful.

This same behaviour can show up in our expectations, in particular when we expect people to behave or react how we would. It can be a shock when they don’t. And we then blame those people for not doing or saying the things we would. It can create rifts and breakdowns in friendships and relationships, causing disconnection, separation or withdrawal. 

“Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partners' flaws.” - Steve Maraboli

The key to stopping and changing these negative patterns of behaviour can be difficult. It isn’t something that we can do overnight, but the first step is to become conscious that we are doing it.

When we catch ourselves saying that somebody thinks/acts/believes something about us, we need to ask ourselves if that is actually true. We need to ask ourselves: is it actually me that thinks and believes that about myself? We need to identify what we are projecting or reflecting on to others.

• When I tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, I need to ask: am I respecting myself?
• When I say he thinks I am not a good parent, I need to ask: do I think I’m not a good parent?
• When I say that I don’t think people/friends like me, I need to ask: am I not liking myself?

We need to consider the basis of these projections, where they come from. Our negative thoughts are from a lack of self-esteem or self-worth, and are formed by insecurities within ourselves.

We need to build self-trust, self-respect and self-esteem to counter those thoughts. We need to value ourselves and care about ourselves in the form of self-love and self-care.

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

We need to become our own best friend and treat ourselves better. We need to call ourselves out when we find ourselves accusing somebody else of doing something we should be doing ourselves. And then we need to ask and answer those questions.

• Ask how do I respect myself? And answer it: I respect myself because I am strong and I see things through, and I am a loyal friend. Remind yourself of all your good qualities that earn respect.
• Ask how am I a good parent? And answer it: I cook, clean and care for my children. I am there for them when they need me with words of comfort and empathy. They are the top priority in my life, and I always put them first.
• Ask, what do I like about myself? And answer it: I am friendly and open. I put people at ease and easily chat to people. I am supportive and loyal in my friendships

Each time we do this, we break the negative patterns and thought processes. We build self-esteem by reminding ourselves of the good inside of us, and in what ways we are valuable and worthy, reaffirming and reassuring ourselves and building self-trust and self-respect. And by creating a more positive dialogue inside, we create a more positive dialogue outside with the people around us.

“Change how you talk to yourself will change how you think. Changing how you think will change how you react. Changing how you react will change your interactions. Changing your interaction will change the outcome.” - Miranda Kate

Limiting beliefs: How to Change Them & Be More Successful in Life

Do your thoughts hold you back?

Do you want to do something, but don’t believe you can?

Have you ever challenged what you believe you can do?

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

Many of us believe we are in control of our own minds and believe we choose to do things, or not do things, based off what our limits are. But do we truly know our limits, or are they imagined? Are they based off fact, or have they been put there by something someone said, or an experience that led us to believe that?

Belief is everything, whether it is the day to day 'I can do this' kind of belief, or the religious sort. If people want to think or see things a certain way, they will, no matter what facts or experience might contradict them.

The very word: Believe, taken apart, is ‘Be’ ‘Live’ – you ‘Be’ and ‘Live’ based on what you think about the things in your world.

A Limiting Belief is one that suppresses our own personal truth about who we are or what we can achieve. In general we are all limited to rules and regulations as a society or civilisation to function and get along, but what I am talking about are the personal beliefs that hurts us by limiting what we want to achieve in life and stop us growing and thriving.

Many people limit their beliefs to conform to a given set of rules, or to satisfy another. When we stifle ourselves to conform to a belief imposed by another, it stops us from being able to step into who we truly are and live our lives to the fullest. It can lead to an unhappy life and often depression if we feel powerless under such restrictions.

“The only limits you have are the limits you believe.” – Wayne Dyer

Understanding that some of our beliefs are limiting us and identifying those that stop us from reaching for our dreams, is the first step in changing them and releasing ourselves from their bonds.

We need to then ask ourselves some questions - particularly when we find ourselves resisting something we thought we wanted to do:

1) Can I do that?

2) Do I want to?

When asking ourselves the second question, we also check our feelings on it: Maybe we do want to, but we are scared or fearful of the outcome – an imagined outcome. But until we try we won’t know so we can choose to stay in fear or we can push through the fear and try. And whether we succeed or fail it doesn’t matter, because we have tried and learnt something about ourselves in the process.

For example, I might believe that I am not welcome in a particular social group. I might decide in my own mind I am not welcome by over-analysing conversations or body language. But really I am fearful of the rejection if I try to take part in a group activity. I can choose to keep believing that I am not welcome or I can find out for sure by participating.

I am a writer. I can choose to believe that it is a waste of time submitting my work to publishers because it won’t be good enough. But why do I believe it is not good enough? Don’t I have as much chance as anyone? Have I had only negative feedback on my writing? Asking these questions makes me stop and decide what I really believe, and also whether I am helping myself or giving my negatives beliefs power.

Maybe when we were a child we wanted to do something and someone told us we couldn’t, that we wouldn’t be able to - maybe a parent, a teacher or another authority figure. And from that point on we believed it was always out of our reach. And now when someone asks us if we want to do it, we say we can’t. But in truth, we don’t know, because we have never tried or given ourselves the chance to try.

“Learning, too soon, our limitations, we never learn our power.” - Mignon Mclaughlin

Many limiting beliefs are driven by a lack of self-confidence and self-worth, by honestly not believing in ourselves or our abilities. Only by questioning ourselves, in a positive and constructive way, can we challenge the beliefs that limit us in our day to day lives. Only once we start to unlock them can we release our inner power and realise our dreams.

Why don’t you go and write a list of all the things you would like to do, go on - I dare you! Write out all the things you dreamed of, however extreme they might be. And then go through that list and see which ones are within your grasp if you believed you could do them.

It will give you a whole new perspective on your potential, and liberate you. It will also make you question some of the limiting beliefs you hold in other areas of your life.

“Remember: we all get what we tolerate. So stop tolerating excuses within yourself - limiting beliefs of the past or half-assed or fearful states.” – Tony Robbins

Perception and Perspective: How You Can Alter How You See Things

Have you ever experienced the same moment as someone, but what they saw, heard and felt was completely different?

Did they find it positive when you found it negative, or vice versa? 

When something isn’t how you imagine it to be, are you let down, disappointed, and frustrated? 

Perception is how we understand or interpret something. Perspective is our attitude and view point on how we regard it.

How we perceive something is affected by how we think. Whether we see a situation as positive or negative depends on our perception of it. And that perception is set by our expectations and assumptions, which supply our perspective on any given subject. 

“Everything we hear is an opinion not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."- Marcus Aurelius 

As discussed in Reducing Expectations, we can change our perspective by not having a preconceived idea about how something is going to go, or desire a specific outcome. 

Assumptions and expectations are fed by information either from previous situations - or hearing about them from others. Often how we expect something to be is not actually how it is. We can end up disappointed, disillusioned, even hurt and upset if it doesn’t go as we thought it would.

“What screws us up the most in life is the picture we have of how it is supposed to be.”

To change that, we need to change our perspective. We need to realise we have a choice in how we see, hear, and view things. 

This was first brought to my attention when I expressed my upset about something my mother had said, when I was first in therapy. They asked me:

“If your brother had been in the room would he have been upset by it too?” 

It made me stop and think and realise that he wouldn’t; his internal dialogue and relationship with my mother was different to mine, thus the content of my mother’s dialogue would have had a different meaning. He would receive what she said in a totally different way. 

My perception of her and the things she said depended on my history and relationship with her and affected my expectations from her, even giving another meaning to her words. In some ways I had already decided her meaning before she spoke, and my reaction was based off that rather than what she actually said. 

“We see things not as they are, but as we are. Our perception is shaped by our previous experience.” - Dennis Kimbro

Our perceptions are based off established ideas and thoughts we have about all the things around us. We learnt them from our parents, friends, teachers, work colleagues, newspapers, textbooks, television - everything has an input, but we can alter our view at any time. 

And how we continue to filter that information and react to it is also a choice. 

“If you change the way you look at things, the way you look at things change.” - Wayne Dyer

And this extends into the outside world. If we only focus on the negatives in the world and all the bad things that happen that is all we see, and our perception becomes negative. It doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen, but if we aren’t seeing the good things, we aren’t leaving room for them to filter in and bring a more balanced perspective on the world.

Without that balanced view we risk becoming overwhelmed, and this can lead to anxiety and depression, conditions which are fed by a mindset based on how we perceive things.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it.” - Eckhart Tolle

So how do we change it? By recognising that our perception of any given thing might not be how it actually is, or the same as another person’s, thus realising that it is possible to see it differently. And if we want to change it we can - it’s a choice.

“When you observe rather than react, you claim your power.” - Denise Linn

 

It may not be possible with everything, but allowing the possibility makes us more flexible, and releases us from the potential shackles of a fixed mindset, opening us up to opportunities we might not have had before. 

Ask yourself how you would like to perceive something: What do you want to experience? How do you want to feel? And what is stopping you from feeling this way?

Once we are able to understand that we have a choice we return a sense of power, which gives us a sense of control. We can return to an event or situation that we previously viewed as negative and experience it differently, through fresh eyes.