Mirroring & Modelling: how to change it to create a better life

Did you grow up happy? 

Did you have happy parents and a sense of love at home and connection and community around you?

Do you find it easy to create the same in your own life?

We model behaviour based off what we learn as children. We mirror what we see as we grow up and subconsciously copy it. Depending on what we experience, depends on how it will affect our lives.

“Children are great imitators, so give them someone great to imitate”. – Joy D Jones

I grew up with a sense of fear and dread. I didn’t feel connected to anyone, that I was safe, or that I belonged. My mother was negative about everything in her life: herself, her children, everything around her. She had been raised with the same negative toxicity and she created more by repeating that example.

I struggled once out on my own to stop myself doing the same, but it has taken many years. It had become so engrained and was all I had known all my life. I remember one defining moment, when a friend said to me ‘the only person you think is neurotic is yourself’.

From that point on I began to hear the negative self talk inside my head, which I reflected out into and onto my world, and began a long journey to break that pattern of thinking and create a new one, so I could create a better life for myself.

“Never use others as a mirror to judge yourself by, their view may be distorted”. - Unknown

The people we attract into our lives mirror ourselves, which in turn mirrors the people we are raised by, because we subconsciously copy the behaviour, reactions and actions of our parents. We repeat what was modelled for us and seek out people, subconsciously, that respond to us in the same way our parents did.

I started to find that my long-term relationships felt empty; I felt disconnected and unfulfilled. I didn’t feel that they were interested in me, or even liked me. I became angry, feeling hurt and disrespected. I didn’t think my partner cared. I didn’t feel listened to, emotionally supported, and I believed my partners were emotionally unavailable to me. This is how I felt as a child, in response to how my mother treated me.

Then I understood two things:

1. I was empty, disconnected and emotionally unavailable myself – both to my own feelings and to those of my partner;
2. My partners were mirroring my behaviour and responding to me the same way my mother did.

Not only did I mirror my mother’s behaviour in my own negative talk (both internally and externally), I was disconnected and had become emotionally unavailable to my partners and unresponsive. This was exactly how she had treated me when I was a child. And I demanded support from my partners, while at the same time rejecting it – just as she had done.

“Life, like a mirror, never gives back more than we put into it.” – Unknown.

And when I looked back on my relationships and my marriage, I realised that all the men I had sought and attracted had been emotionally unavailable. They treated me as I treated myself: they didn’t listen to me, weren’t interested in anything I had to say, and often ignored me, and especially my feelings - just like my parent had done.

Fundamentally I was trying to get my partners to fulfil something that was missing within me. I realised I was still seeking attention and approval I didn’t receive as a child. I wanted to be heard, and noticed and cherished. And I learned that to resolve this I needed to start giving it to myself.

When I started giving myself time and attention – listening to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, focusing positive energy on myself – I started to find what I needed. Self-approval worked to satisfy my needs.

And then once I stopped demanding all that time and attention from those externally, it gave them room to be who they were, and step forward and connect with me in an honest and authentic way, rather than being forced.

This really hit home for me when I became a parent, when I heard myself use the words my mother used, the behaviours she displayed and the actions she took. So many were unconscious, the most profound being that I had always felt like a burden and like a problem my mother wanted to be rid of. I became aware that I was beginning to treat my children the same: The more difficult I found them, the more of a burden they became.

But once I changed my perspective and dialogue with them, seeing them as people to be loved and cherished and that I wanted to connect with, they changed along with me, and everyone began to feel more secure and stable. And I managed to displace the sense of fear and dread I had started to mirror and model from my own childhood. I wanted to feel connected to them with a sense of warmth and love; to have a bond and a sense of belonging, and I managed to begin to create that and it felt a whole lot better.

“By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life.” – Eric Allenbaugh

So when you find yourself modelling or mirroring behaviour that isn’t working for you, think about how you can change it.

The first step is becoming conscious of it.

The next is how you can change it: internally by changing your thoughts and perspective to what you DO want to feel and see, and externally in the ways you act and react. 

Attracting those that are the same – people that mirror us – means those people are often missing something too. This can cause difficulties, especially when we change. We either grow together or we grow apart. But either way you have to be honest with yourself if you really want to live an emotionally fulfilled life.

The Simple Truth of Forgiveness to Gain Peace of Mind

Do you find forgiveness hard to do?

Do you believe that forgiving someone means letting them off the hook?

Do you wrangle with forgiveness inside yourself?

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Lewis Boese

There is a lot of talk about forgiveness and forgiving people that have hurt you. People tell you to let it go and ‘do the right thing’. They say that you are holding a grudge if you don’t forgive them and that you are causing more problems by holding on to it.

But it can be hard if it is someone that has abused you in some way, whether physically, emotionally, or verbally (or all three). It is especially difficult if that person is still inflicting pain; if they still say things and do things that hurt you.

This is the situation I had with my mother. I had to distance myself from her because she said things that were hurtful – often unknowingly – from off-hand comments about me personally (my weight, my hair, my daily habits, how I pronounce words) to out and out blaming me for events from the past when I was a small child that I couldn’t possibly have been responsible for.

Even though the things she said and did once I was a full grown adult weren’t a scratch on the screaming verbal abuse she subjected me to in my childhood, they could still cut me to the core.

When I talked about it people would ask me if I had forgiven her, and if not, why not? She’s your mother, they'd say, you ‘should’ forgive her, it will make your life better if you do.

But for years I couldn’t see how I could forgive her for all the things she had subjected me to – and sometimes still subjected me to. I struggled hard, and felt anger and resentment deep into my soul.

“Resentment is like drinking poison, and thinking it will kill your enemies.”- Nelson Mandela

But when I looked more closely at forgiveness and what it would take, I realised that it wasn’t about letting her off the hook for the trauma she had put me through as a child, but letting myself off the hook.

I learnt that forgiveness is not about forgiving them for what they did to you, but about forgiving yourself.

Because you are not to blame for being abused by another, no matter what they say, pretend, or try to twist round.

If you have been abused, it is not your fault.

I’ll repeat that: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

So forgive yourself for being blamed.

Forgive yourself for ever thinking it was something you did (or are doing) wrong.

Forgive yourself for letting something from the past still affect you.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and then realise the prisoner is you.” – Lewis B Smedes

And once you stop blaming yourself for being abused you will feel different: You will release the anger and the resentment. You will be less concerned about what they say and do from then onwards. You will move away from caring what they think, because you have put your feelings first and not theirs. You have given yourself the self-love and nurture that you deserve.

What they continue to do is what they choose to do, and you can choose to no longer be affected by it. When you forgive yourself, you also stop responding to them in the same way you did, to the things they say or the things they do. You can choose to stop letting it affect you.

A couple of years ago my mother observed how much I had changed, how different I was towards her - less argumentative, less defensive. I smiled sweetly and thought to myself, I’m not any different, I just no longer react to you the way I did. I no longer allow the things you say to hurt me anymore, because I forgave myself.

“Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.” – Tony Robbins

I am not saying that the things my mother says don’t still affect me – she is still capable of getting inside my head, but it is very rare now. I have also distanced myself from her physically, and restrict how much contact I have with her. This is something I feel people should do with anyone who is potentially toxic to them – including family.

                           

The most surprising reward for forgiving myself has been the calm it has brought inside. The peace of mind I have gained, and the confidence I have that I will no longer be upset when I am in her company. I feel sure of myself and less likely to be blindsided by my emotions, and have outbursts that make me feel out of control and judged as unstable by others. And I don’t feel angry or bitter inside anymore. I feel okay as though I have a solid foundation at last.

It didn’t happen overnight though; it started by writing my life story out for my therapist, which took some time to do as it was hard to face the things that had hurt me.

Seeing in black and white what I had been put through made me lose all guilt about feeling angry towards my mother. I finally understood why I was angry. I could see that what I had been put through was not right or fair and that I wasn’t to blame for any of it. 

Once I stopped arguing with my anger and trying to find reasons to justify my mother’s actions, I stopped feeling angry. I accepted what had happened and that I was not to blame for any of it.

It released me from the anger and also from the guilt. In writing it all out I freed myself the past.

“You do not forgive for the other person. You do it for your own freedom.” – Kute Blackson

It still took several years of therapy to sort through it all and find new ways of managing and healing some of the damage. But it was a crucial step in the process of listening to my feelings, trusting myself, and building my self-esteem.

Now on the other side of this, the simple truth of forgiveness is that it's about you and not about them.

Forgive yourself. You’re worth it.

Kill Justification: How to Stop Feeling You Have to Explain Yourself

Do you find yourself explaining your actions or feelings to others?

Do you feel that you are required to do so?

Do you feel that your answer won’t be accepted unless you do – or that YOU won’t be accepted unless you do?

Justifying our feelings or actions is an indication that we feel insecure about who we are. It is a form of seeking external approval. It comes from a fear that our actions won’t be approved of, or accepted – as though we feel we have to convince others of their validity, and on some level, of our own validity.

When we justify ourselves to others we give away our personal power. We give away our choice about how we feel or think, believing that unless someone else approves, we can’t either.

I would often find myself going into long drawn out explanations about why I did something, especially if I wasn’t sure if the person I was talking to would approve of it. It might be over something trivial, like a musician I liked, books I liked, things I liked doing, or something more in depth, like why I parented the way I did, why I had becomes friends with someone – always I felt I had to justify myself.

My mother always worked on the assumption that because I was her daughter I had to like everything she did, and if I didn’t she would create an argument about it. She would consider it a negation of her if I didn’t, and take it as a personal sleight and get upset. And the upset thus taught me that it was easier to pretend I did like what she wanted me to, to please her and keep the peace.

Unfortunately this meant I learnt a bad habit early on: to either pretend I liked something to please others, or go into detailed reasons why I liked it to try and validate it and gain approval. Sadly though, this resulted in me either not knowing what I really liked, or humiliating myself by over explaining, and getting a sense that it put the other person off, creating an awkward, tense situation. Often I would walk away feeling like I had said too much, and feel bad about myself.

Stop letting people that do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions. – Will Smith

This pattern of behaviour was highlighted to me when I realised I didn’t behave this way around everyone. There were some people I could be around who I expressed myself clearly with, defined my likes and dislikes, and who I felt accepted by, because they didn’t expect anything from me.

It was brought to my attention when I visited a friend with an ex-boyfriend. My relationship with this ex-boyfriend wasn’t good. I was always on tender hooks, unsure he was happy with me. I felt I had to live up to an image he had of me. He would often argue with me about my opinions and view. After we visited my friend he commented how relaxed I had been in their company, confident and happy, and he asked why I wasn’t that way with him anymore.

I realised my friend had never expected or wanted me to be anyone else; I could discuss my tastes and opinions with them, and they wouldn’t argue with them – whether they agreed with them or not. They respected me, and my thoughts and feelings, so I could be myself with them.

  

And if there were people that I had to justify or explain myself to then I had to move away from them, because they weren’t helping me, they were taking something away from me. They were the wrong people, possibly toxic people.

Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of – it’s yours. - Zero Dean

It made me realise that I shouldn’t have to explain myself or defend my choices to anyone. I realised I had a right to feel and think any way I chose, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone. I was worthy, and I didn’t need to justify why.

But doing this is not so easy, so I broke it down into a step by step process.

1)    Listen to yourself – feel your feelings about things, and acknowledge them;

2)    Be honest with yourself – don’t alter anything to suit others. Being different is okay;

3)    Follow your heart when you make decisions by trusting yourself – and you do that by doing the first step;

4)    Believe in yourself - know that you are a good person;

5)    Be confident in your feelings and choices, then you won’t need to seek someone else to.

Be who you are. Think the way you do. Be who you are.

You are worthy, you don’t need to justify why!

Identifying and dispelling toxic people & events in your life

Have you ever walked away from friends of family feeling bad about yourself?

Do you keep feeling hurt by the same people?

Do you keep going over incidents that have upset or emotionally hurt you?

Do you keep trying with a family member, but every time you are in their company come away feeling sad, hurt and exhausted?

People inspire you or drain you - pick them wisely. - Hans F Hasen.

What is a toxic person? A toxic person can be someone who upset you in the past and/or continues to do so in the present. They can also be someone who drains you of all your positive emotion and energy every time you are in their company, either by what they say or what they do.

What is a toxic event? A toxic event is something that happened that upset or disturbed you so much you have never forgotten it. And not only is it not forgotten, you find yourself thinking about it over and over again, maybe persecuting yourself with it by reliving the negative emotions you felt at that moment.

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one. - Michael McMillan

I first learnt about the idea of toxic people and toxic events and how they can affect your entire thinking when I was using Dr Phil’s website several years ago. I was going through the Finding Your Authentic Self (Self Matters) articles, and one of the questions asked to pick a toxic event from my life. For me, there was one in my early childhood that came up every time. I would think through it and remember how I had felt (alone, rejected, hurt), and feel it again.

While working through it, I uncovered how this particular event had affected how I thought and in particular my perception of ‘family’ and why just the word had negative connotations for me.

It led me to realise that it affected my ability to trust people around me permanently, even though they were my immediate family. And through the process of these articles I was able to unravel this thinking and find a new way of thinking about it.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Wayne Dyer

Once you identify these toxic events and/or people, you can then look at how they have negatively impacted you, in terms of your thinking and perceptions as well as your actions and reactions towards them.

And then, rather than going into a victim mindset and tell yourself ‘this happened to me’ or ‘this person is in my life, therefore I am damaged and can’t function or be who I want to be, or have what I want’, you can make a conscious choice to change it (how you feel about it, how you respond to it), and feel empowered and able to have a say in how it continues to affect you and your life.

As I mentioned in my previous post about backtracking emotions, you can ‘update’ how you want to feel about it and see it through more objective, rational eyes.

You can decide what you need to do to either limit its impact on your life and feelings (particularly when it’s a toxic person), or decide to change what meaning you attach to it.

Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate, fumigate. - Mandy Hale

As a child, I had limited abilities to decide how it affected me. I could only respond with internal feelings of hurt, shame, or rejection. And I was left feeling that anything related to ‘family’ could not be trusted and would only hurt me.

As an adult, I can acknowledge those feelings, but I can then reassure myself that it no longer has to be true — especially in terms of the family I’ve created with my husband. I don’t have to repeat those toxic actions or words, and I can choose to create a ‘family’ that is safe, nurturing and supportive.

By identifying toxic events and toxic people I was able to take a step back from a toxic situation or person that continued to negatively impact me. I could see the situation as something I had the power to change. And that change came in the form of my reaction and resulted in me changing the meaning I gave it.

If a toxic person was going over past events and making me responsible, blaming or triggering negative emotions within me, I could see that it was their perception of the situation, or of me, and not necessarily the truth.

This meant I didn’t have to argue that truth anymore, because I already knew my own truth about it. And once I stopped engaging in the dialogue with that person, in either an argumentative or defensive stance, that person lost their ability to manipulate me. They could no longer trigger those negative emotions by sparking me into a dialogue that disempowered me. Plus I could restrict how much time I spent in that person’s company.

And the same applied to a toxic event: it was past, it could not be changed, and it could no longer affect my life — unless I kept it alive myself. I could see it as something that happened, rather than something that defined who I was now.

The past can not be changed, forgotten, edited or erased; it can only be accepted. - Wiz Khalifa

The negative things you say to yourself are often the things that toxic people in you life has said to you, which you then take on and use against yourself.

Toxic events may have left you believing something that isn’t true about yourself, which you then repeat continuously to yourself at low times.

Ask yourself, what are my labels, and where do they come from? Whose voice is really behind them? Also ask yourself, why am I defining myself by an external perception or past event?

And from the answers decide for yourself who you are, and what you want to believe.

Quietly affirm that you will define your own reality from now on and that your definition will be based on your inner wisdom. - Wayne Dyer