The Point of Affirmations: What They Are & How They Can Benefit You

In the self-help and personal development world, affirmations have become a buzzword of sorts: everyone uses them, relies on them, and considers them a necessary aid to personal growth.

But what are affirmations and what benefits do they bring?

Affirmations are positive words, sentences and phrases you repeat to yourself on a daily basis – in some way similar to chanting, prayer, or meditation.

They are used to counter negative thoughts we have about ourselves. In my posts: How to Stop Negative Internal Dialogue, and Negative Emotion Addiction: How to Recognise & Release it, I talk about how to combat negative thinking. Affirmations are a way to do this, and can replace negative thoughts.

Through the repetition of sentences, words or phrases, affirmations work to remind us of the good things about ourselves, and enable us to see our lives from a positive perspective. They are a way of training our minds to provide a healthier internal dialogue.

By reaffirming positive things in our lives on a daily basis we set our outlook and intention for the day. Reading or saying them every morning can bring renewed energy. It can have a positive effect on how we approach the people around us, and how we do our work.

"Whatever you hold in your mind on a consistent basis is exactly what you will experience in your life."– Tony Robbins.

For example, in my early 20s I struggled to see my value and always put other people before me, I felt that I was not important or significant in any way. It made me depressed and anxious. My therapist gave me the task of coming up with a sentence to repeat to myself to shift this belief. The sentence I came up with was: “It’s my life and I’m the most important person in it.” It took me a long time (years) to honestly believe it, but it made a difference every time I said it. I would particularly call on it in times of struggle. 

"It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a conviction, things begin to happen." – Muhammad Ali

I also struggle with being a parent, and some days feel that I fail. But when I find myself saying that to myself, I do two things: I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, and I repeat the sentence: “I am a good and valuable mother.” And with those words I receive a flood of positive emotions and memories reinforcing them, and providing me with fresh energy to start again.

Here are a few of the affirmations I use:

“You are important, your thoughts create, your actions matter, your presence changes everything.”

“My intention is to love, honour, and respect myself.”

“Expect nothing, appreciate everything.”

“Look at what you bring to the world, not at what you lack.”

'Being Authentic': What That Means & How To Be

Have you ever been told to ‘be authentic’?

Do you ever wonder what it means?

Have you only ever heard it used to refer to antiques?

Currently, one of the favourite terms used in the self-help and personal development community is ‘Be Authentic’. But what does that really mean?

In layman terms it means ‘be yourself’.

Yes, sounds simple, doesn’t it? And some people might even say, “But if you’re not yourself, then who are you?” That’s when it can get tricky.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

People who have no problems with self-esteem or confidence don’t find themselves worrying about what others might say or do in response to them. They are relaxed and secure about who they are, and don’t ever think about being anything other than themselves.

But there are plenty of people who live in fear of showing and sharing their true selves. They are often consumed with anxiety about how the outside world will treat them. Often this is a result of a difficult childhood, abuse of some kind, at home or at school, or an event in their lives that has given them reason to step back and be more cautious about what they show the world. They lack trust in people and in themselves, no longer being sure about how they will be received, or how they will respond if someone upsets them.

To be ourselves means to be honest about how we feel, both when we’re alone and when we’re around other people, without fear of disappointing someone, or being rejected - sometimes viciously, whether verbally or physically.

“Remind yourself you can not fail at being yourself.” – Wayne Dyer

For me personally, as a child, teenager and even into adulthood, I learnt that who I was, was not good enough. My mother told I was fat, talked too much, couldn’t keep a secret, and she wouldn’t believe anything I said about anything. My sister would tell me family members didn’t like me, that I was too, too open, and apparently had a temper.  Then classmate would tell me: “If you change the way you are, you might have more friends.” And even into my middle-age I have been told I am too intense and that my openness shocks people.

So overall I understood that people won’t like me if I be myself, that I should pretend to be someone else to please others – that I will not be approved of or accepted otherwise.

This meant that from an early age I learnt to suppress my feelings. I believed they weren’t as important as the feelings of those around me. And I started to believe that they couldn’t be trusted - that ‘I’ couldn’t be trusted, and that to keep the people in my life happy, I should give up who I was and who I wanted to be, and be who they expected me to be.

So over the years I built a ‘mask’, or ‘face’ to hide behind. Whenever opening the front door to leave my house I would ‘wear’ it. I would behave and respond as expected by everyone outside that door, whether strangers on the street, or friends at a social gathering.

And when I returned home I would go over all the interactions I had with people, and pick apart how I’d behaved, chastising myself if I thought I had spoken too much, out of turn, or been generally disliked, validating my need to maintain the mask.

“You can fake your smile but not your feelings.” - Anonymous

It took me a lot of time and effort to remove the layers of the mask, and rid myself of it – and some days I’m not sure I have. To do this I realised I needed to be honest with myself. I had to find out what ‘I’ really thought about me and my life and what I wanted in it.

I had to stop telling myself that what others wanted was more important than what I wanted. I had to be honest, first with myself and then with the people in my life, which meant I had to stop being be afraid of what I felt. I had to trust my feelings - but to do that I needed to let myself feel them first.

Rather than suppress, ignore or dismiss my feelings, I had to stop what I was doing and feel them – literally let them run the course of my body and overwhelm me, even if they were upsetting.

In that moment I would listen to what they were about, I would ‘hear’ them. It’s like listening to a voice inside, another part of yourself that has never been given a voice before and letting it say its piece. Then rather than dismissing what it says I would think about it, consider it and what I could do about it - sort of like comforting and reassuring it. I would believe it, and not second guess it or dismiss it. I would trust that it was how I felt about something. 

“She threw away all her masks and put on her soul.” - Francesca Silvanna

The by product of doing this was that I began to feel more secure. I became sure of what I felt, who I was, and who I wanted to be. I discovered my own inner security system. Looking for security externally no longer became relevant – or needed. I was secure in myself, my own feelings for the first time. I trusted myself and could be honest with myself.

This also meant I started to like myself, which in turn gave me confidence. The feelings of security inside meant that I didn’t need to seek security externally anymore - in people or in situations, events or places. I was able to remove the mask and not be scared to be me, because I was okay with who I was.

To summarise, the steps I took were:

·         Being Honest with myself

·         Feeling my feelings

·         Listening to my feelings

·         Believing and trusting my feelings

And the result brought inner security leading to external security.

Once we know that we are okay – inside – with who we are, we can be okay with people outside. We can relax and stop concerning ourselves with what they think about us, or how they might react to us - it no longer matters. We can finally be ourselves – be our authentic selves. 

“Security comes from trusting. Trust is, not knowing that everything WILL be alright, but knowing that everything already IS alright.” – Hillary Pike.

This is not an easy process, and it can be very scary at times as we have to face things that caused us a lot of pain. For me it became easier once I removed all the toxic people who kept alive toxic events and feelings from my past.

And when I started reducing my expectations, both of myself and of other the people around me, I was able to think more clearly. Once there were no obligations or expectations associated with my interactions with others, I could clarify whether they were things I enjoyed doing, which in turn made it easier for me to be honest. 

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.” - Brene Brown

(Dr.Phil has a series of articles on his site under Self Matters, about Defining Your Authentic Self, which I found helpful.)