Negative Emotion Addiction: How to Recognise & Release it

Do you ever feel anxious suddenly, and without reason?

Do you ever get a bad feeling come on, but you don't know why?

Do you get stuck feeling bad all the time, but don't really know why?

Much like any addiction, Negative Emotion Addiction can be both physical and mental. If we repeatedly experience a negative emotion, it can become habit forming, and our bodies can reflect it as much as our minds.

Through some personal work I was doing I discovered that I have a negative emotion addiction to emotions like Dread, Envy, and Inadequacy. These come up for me both consciously and unconsciously.

The one that I notice the most is Dread, as it manifests physically. On any given day it will appear out of nowhere showing up as a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, as though something has gone wrong - or is about to.

I check myself: Am I missing something? Have I forgotten to do something?

I check the clock: Am I meant to be somewhere? Am I supposed to be fetching one of my children?

I check the calendar: Is there an appointment I should be attending, or a phone call I should be making?

I run through it all, making sure I haven’t forgotten something that will cause a problem later. When I realise I haven’t missed anything and I have no reason for feeling this way, I release it, letting the feeling go, reassuring myself that all is well. 

This is an emotion I felt as a child on a daily basis throughout my entire childhood until I left home. Being a child of domestic violence this emotion was present several times a day, or all day long. It is an emotion formed round a fear of knowing something dreadful is about to happen, coupled with a feeling of insecurity about the unpredictability of it - what will happen exactly, and when?

In my current life there is no reason for me to be experiencing this emotion any more, so I recognise it as being a sort of 'residual' emotion, like part of a withdrawal symptom, now I am no longer experiencing it daily. Each time the feeling arises I consciously undo it and let it go, and in doing that I work to end the recurrence of it.  

“If negative emotions arise you can watch them fly over you like debris floating in the wind.” – Unknown 

Some might say it is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and it may be, but as it is only a feeling and not brought on by a flashback or memory, I recognise it as something my body is so used to feeling it simply reproduces it without a trigger. 

However, when I experience Envy it’s more conscious. A steam of thoughts will fill my head: wishing that I had what others had, wishing I was doing what others were doing. It can be about a friendship, a personality trait, a job, but always comparing myself to others, either personally or their living situation. These thoughts can bring about a physical reaction too, again a sick feeling in the stomach much like dread. But I have to consciously stop the spiral of these thoughts otherwise they can grow into larger more negative emotions, like paranoia, anger, or sadness. 

To stop these thoughts I focus on what I do have, and how much I have. I think about all the things I like about my life, and about myself, and what I have to offer in any friendship, relationship, or job. And to continue moving away from these feelings I remind myself that what I believe others have is an assumption and not a reality.  

“Everything we see is a perspective, not a truth.” – Marcus Aurelius  

For me, envy is an emotion born out of a childhood of lack where I felt like I was the only person suffering, and others had much more than me – often not in the material sense, but in the emotional sense: love, happiness, security, sense of belonging, and stability. These were missing from my life as I was growing up and they led me into feelings of inadequacy: I felt I didn’t deserve these things, that I wasn’t good enough, that I was doing something wrong, or being punished. 

I spent a lot of time feeling this way as a child, and it caused a great deal of sadness, and anxiety for me. I got used to feeling that way too; it became my constant, and sometimes my comfort. I would fall into a victim mindset, and find it hard to see what a negative effect these feelings had on the rest of my life. I struggled to sustain friendships and relationships and didn’t understand why people didn’t want to be in my company. I had become toxic to them – and to myself – much like an addict.

But like any addiction it is possible to break the habit: there is a process. Although for a Negative Emotion Addiction it is not so much giving up something as becoming aware of it and letting it go.

Over the years I have changed my thought process and perspective, so now when I experience these negative emotions I follow these steps:

- Become conscious of them;

- Recognise what they are;

- Check they no longer apply;

- Release them, and let them go.

We must learn to question the validity of our recurring negative emotions. We need to ask ourselves: Are these emotions something I am simply used to feeling? Do I need to still be feeling this? Is it still relevant in my life now?

In doing this we can slowly recover from their effects and make room for more positive thoughts and feelings - ones we want to become addicted to.

I discovered NEA through my work with Norval Rhodes doing Energy Healing

Overcoming Overwhelm: Learning how to do it all, one thing at a time

Do you have days where you struggle to keep your mind on the task at hand?

Are you always thinking about the next thing you have to do and feeling anxious about it?

Do you feel exhausted at the end of the day but feel you haven’t done anything?

Feeling overwhelmed is common in today’s world. We live busy lives, trying to achieve a lot in a small amount of time. We juggle several things at once, like a job, raising a family, managing a home, and all that that entails.

Being overwhelmed often shows up in a physical form under the header of Stress. It manifests to varying degrees in a number of symptoms, such as anxiety, anger, frustration, insomnia, even depression.

It is particularly prevalent in those of us with busy or ‘noisy’ minds, who struggle to stop thinking about all the things we feel must get done today! Or who have overactive imaginations that insist on playing out all the ‘what if’ scenarios.

“There is nothing in this world that can trouble you as much as your own mind.” – Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

When I moved to a foreign country to be with my husband, I suffered insomnia every night for six months prior to the move date. I would wake up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep. Once my mind was awake and thinking about what was ahead of me, I couldn’t get it to rest again. The only thing I could do was get up, have a drink of water and sit and watch telly until I felt tired enough to fall asleep again. I was so overwhelmed by the thoughts of living in a foreign language and culture, and wondering how I would survive there, as well as being a city girl moving to a village. And after moving, the struggles and frustrations I went through trying to settle here continued to overwhelm me, despite trying to appear happy and satisfying everyone’s expectations of me – including my own.

Overwhelm can be a reaction to feelings that we aren’t able to express properly, either because we don’t have the time, or because we don’t want to feel them. If we don’t give ourselves proper time to process something, or we take on more than we are capable of we can become overwhelmed. We continue pushing ourselves to do more, to be more, and tell ourselves we are fine, when often we aren’t.

For me it resulted in a breakdown. My inability to express myself and share my feelings without fear of upsetting or disappointing those around me, coupled with feeling completely unsupported, meant I became lost in a negative spiral of thoughts and emotions which eventually shut me down. I felt powerless to change my feelings or my situation, and disappeared into a black hole in my head.

Fortunately though, I had enough clarity to seek help in the form of a therapist.

Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place. – Robin Lee

I learnt to deal with one thing at a time, rather than tackle everything together. I learnt how to break my feelings down and look at them separately, identifying those that I needed to work with more than others.

I learnt to not look too far ahead and focus on the short term instead, to look at what I could do today, or this year, and deal with situations as they arose, rather than try and anticipate them all in advance.

I learnt how I could look at the things I struggled with differently, from a new perspective, and find a way that would help me accept and see that I still had power in the form of choices. And step by step I managed to start moving forward again, reassessing my priorities and focusing on one thing at a time, one feeling at a time, and one task at a time.

I slowed everything down.

I learnt to stop focusing so much on the big picture, and potential future outcome, and focus on the here and now.

“The present moment is the only moment available to us, and it is the door to all moments.” – Thich Naht Hanh

I still have times that I find myself overwhelmed, and in those moments I ask myself what things I want to achieve today. I prioritise them, often by writing a list with the most important thing first. Then I strike everything below the top one and focus on that. I set aside specific time for it rather than try and squash it in between everything else. And when I focus on that one step I reduce the anxiety, and in turn the feeling of being overwhelmed. And often I then feel like I have achieved something and taken a step forward.  

“You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” – Timber Hawkeye

Do you experience overwhelm? How do you deal with it, what works for you? I’d love to hear.

Changing your negative emotions: How to deal with anger and guilt

Do you find yourself feeling angry - and then feeling guilty about feeling angry?

But then feeling angry again, because you shouldn’t be feeling guilty?

It took me a long time to understand the cycle of negative emotions my internal dialogue fed - and this was one of them.

My two main negative emotions were anger and guilt, and I would flick between the extremes of both from one moment to the next. It is only once I became conscious of them and took time to understand them that I began to work out how to break them.

“We repeat what we don’t repair” - Christine Langley-Obaugh

Anger in itself is a necessary emotion, enabling us to not be totally submissive, and a critical tool in the self-esteem box, BUT it has to be used in the background, or as a context to fuel actions that help you step forward and stick up for yourself in an assertive and constructive way.

My anger was none of those things - it was explosive and destructive.

I had spent many years swallowing down my feelings, being told they weren’t allowed as a child, and continuing to suppress them to please others into my early adulthood. But there came a point when I couldn’t keep them under wraps anymore and one day I sort of ‘knocked the lid off’ the container I held them in inside.

I started expressing my feelings but they were all wrapped up in anger. I couldn’t express how I felt in a calm, collected way; I would end up either being rude, or screaming and shouting them out instead, taking them out on the person who had triggered them. And the trigger might have only been one small thing, but every time all of them would come crashing in together - eager to be heard and let out.

"The conflicts we have with the outside world are often conflicts within ourselves." - Bryant McGill

It caused a lot of problems in my life, with both new and existing friendships and relationships. And every time I let out my anger I would feel bad about it afterwards; I would feel guilty at expressing myself in such a way, and verbally hurting whoever was on the receiving end.

I soon realised I had to learn a different way of communicating. I had to change my defensiveness to assertiveness. 

“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and well being of others.” -  Sharon Anthony Bower.

To do that I had to find out what was really causing it. I had to get in touch with my feelings, both about past issues and present, and acknowledge them. For me, it was all about letting myself ‘feel’ my feelings – something I had never been allowed to do in my childhood, and thus had never learnt.

This meant that I would get angry when I was choosing to do something that someone else wanted me to do, rather than express what I really wanted to do. I felt I was giving away my power of choice, by letting someone else choose what to do, and this would make me angry. I didn't know how to express what I wanted to do in a clear, coherent way. I didn't know how to stick up for myself.

For instance, if I was invited to a family event I would agree to go even though I didn't want to go. I felt it was an obligation or duty, and that I HAD to go. And this would make feel resentful about going, which in turn would make me angry. I would become angry at the people I thought were ‘making me’ go, although really I was angry at myself for not being able to voice that I didn’t want to go. And I wasn’t able to do that because I didn't believe I was allowed to - as I didn't think my feelings were allowed, even though it was me who wasn’t allowing them!

My partner would then respond with, ‘if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to’, giving me a choice. This would quell my anger, but then guilt would take over. I would feel guilty about taking my anger out on him, and this would then be my motivation for going along, to try and make up for my outburst and make him happy.

I would express my anger about having to go, and then feel guilty about expressing it. So I would go along to the event, but still feel angry that I went.

"Guilt is anger directed at ourselves - at what we did or did not do.” - Peter McWilliams 

This conflict of emotion would confuse my partner and make him unsure of me. It would make it difficult for him to trust me, because I didn’t trust myself or my own feelings. I had to work out what I did want and what I didn’t want and then stand by it.

I had to realise I had choices, and feel okay doing the things I wanted to do, even if they weren’t what my partner wanted to do. I would tell myself that it was okay to not want to do things that someone I loved or cared about wanted to do, that it was okay to do my own thing.

Once I started to listen to myself and define what I wanted and trust it, I could then communicate it more effectively to others. It wasn’t always easy, but once I recognised the cycle of emotions, from anger, to guilt to more anger, I could break it by stopping and asking myself what I wanted - and then listening and doing. 

“Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.”-  Benjamin Spock.