Self-trust over fear – how to overcome the fear of yourself

Does the way you feel frighten you?

Are you scared you’re a terrible person?

Do you believe there is something about you to be feared?

Becoming scared of yourself – or a part of yourself – occurs when you have feelings you don’t know how to express or process and become fearful of them. It can start in childhood from a very young age, or develop in a later situation when you are surrounded by people who are not nurturing and don’t allow you to express your feelings, or who themselves are scared of expressing their feelings.

Someone might have told you that feeling a particular way was a bad thing and there was something wrong with you. Or when you tried to express upset feelings they reacted as though it was horrifying and you were dangerous.

People respond this way because someone expressing their feelings makes them have to think about their own, and they might not know how to express or speak about their feelings in a healthy way. Either way it creates a trauma for you, which makes you believe that there's something in you to be feared or that is wrong, and you internal the fear, turning it on yourself.

In our society we are taught not to express our emotions from a very young age. We are told anger is bad and being happy all the time is good. We are told not to be scared, not to feel anxious and not to feel sad. This means when we do experience these emotions, we don’t know how to process them, or what to do with them, and end up pushing them down or away.

But bad feelings left unfelt or unprocessed will build up and become overwhelming, and trigger other problems like depression, anxiety, paranoia and other more extreme mental health problems like self harming and OCDs.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle

Fearing your feelings is based in a lack of self trust or self knowledge. If you don’t spend time with your feelings, you avoid getting to know yourself and learning to trust yourself. It is also based in lack of self worth. If someone externally hasn’t approved of something you have expressed, you have put their opinion above your own. You are not valuing yourself or respecting yourself.

So how do you unravel this and stop being scared of yourself?

You need to start by asking yourself what it is you are scared of? What part of you are you holding in fear? And what do you think will happen if you stop being scared of it?

Remember FEAR means: False Evidence Appearing Real. 

Often our fears are created when our mind has taken over and believed something that isn’t true. Ask yourself, are you dangerous? Is there something scary about you?

We all have our dark sides; we can feel angry and negative about things and sometimes aren’t always feeling in a kind mood. That is allowed. You are allowed those feelings.

“Accept your dark side, understanding it will help you move with the light. Knowing both sides of our souls helps us move forward in life and understand that perfection doesn’t exist.” – M artin R. Lemieux

If those feelings are anger based, are you afraid you will never calm down? Are you afraid you will lash out and say or do something you’ll regret?

I was angry for a long time until I spent time listening to myself, and what it was I was angry about, and working through it. I realised I’d been treating myself badly. I’d mentally been pushing my angry self into a box and shutting it. I didn’t like that piece of myself and called it a monster. I separated from it and pretended it wasn’t there. But it was there for a reason and would keep coming out, because the anger was still there. It hadn’t gone away it was just shut away until it became so big it burst out – usually in a destructive way.

Once I let it out and listened to what it was angry about, I was able to put those feelings into a different perspective, using self-compassion and empathy. By being reassuring and comforting those feelings within myself, not judging them but actually feeling sympathetic towards them, I was able to stop being afraid of them and shutting them away.  

If those feelings are based in deep sadness, are you afraid you won’t be able to stop crying if you let them out? Are you afraid that you will never recover from that sadness?

I felt this way for a long time. My sadness was based in feeling I was never loved, and deeply lonely. But again, once I had listened to those feelings and let them out, I found that although I might have cried for a while initially, it did stop and I felt a lot better. They weren’t trapped inside me anymore. 

But how do you actually ‘listen’ to your feelings and ‘feel’ your feelings?

You literally sit with them. You register that you feel a certain way and sit down and let yourself feel the feeling throughout your body. Don’t think about it, or let your mind get involved. If thoughts come just let them run through your head, don’t argue with them or engage with them. Just be.

You can journal about the feeling too; write out what you are feeling, write down all the things you are afraid of and listen to them that way.

And if you are too scared to do either of those things alone, maybe ask a trusted friend or therapist who can be there with you when you do this. You can also express your feelings verbally too and hear them out loud.

The longer you remain in fear, the longer you stop yourself from living your best life. You limit joy from entering your life. Happiness comes from within. Only once you are fully accepting (and loving) of who you are, can you find true happiness.

“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” – Robin Sharma

How to feel your feelings, not think your feelings

Whenever you are upset do you resist how you feel?

Do you spend ages in your head debating why you feel the way you do?

Do you analyse and judge your feelings, processing them by deciding if they are valid or not?

How we feel affects our physical state. It causes tension in the body, muscle problems, anxiety, and can manifest in a multitude of ways; I’ve suffered muscle problems in my back, neck and shoulders, heart palpitations, anxiety/panic attacks, hyperventilating, acid stomach, irritable bowel syndrome, and eczema. All of them were a direct result of how I was feeling at the time, even though I often wasn’t conscious of it.

While working with my physiotherapist, we discussed how I process my feelings, and I said I thought about how I felt and sort of debated or discussed it in my head as a way to resolve how I was feeling. Sometimes it would only change the emotions – and not always in a helpful way. If I judged myself, or told myself off for feeling that way I would make myself feel worse.

By way of a diagram they showed me that this was the long way round, and actually would trigger more feelings, causing me to delay resolving my initial feelings.

Thinking about them instead of feeling them meant I held them in my body for longer, sometimes forever without ever resolving them. But if I didn’t engage with them mentally, if I just sat with my feelings, let myself feel them, without judging or thinking about them, simply experiencing them, then my body would release them much quicker. And if it was a negative feeling, the intensity of the feeling would be reduced the next time it showed up.

I believe one of the biggest reasons behind the rise in mental illness and mental health issues is that we are taught that feeling our feelings and expressing them is a bad thing.

“The avoidance of feelings amplifies the feeling. Directly turning into the feelings will dissipate them.” – Chris Witecki

We are told expressing emotions exposes us or makes us vulnerable. That it is ugly or brash and something to be ashamed of; that it offends other people, whether it is anger or sadness, and we should hide it from other people.

But even though our society has taught us that expressing our feelings is a bad thing, our feelings are there to be felt – not discussed, not negotiated, not confined, repressed or pushed way, but felt.

If we don’t feel our feelings, we can’t trust our feelings, or know how we feel about anything. It undermines our self confidence and ability to be sure about what we like and don’t like, or what we want and don’t want. It can stop us being able to build any kind of inner security.

If we don’t feel our feelings we can’t learn how to regulate and balance them, and decide what is normal within our own bodies, and be able to identify when we are feeling more sensitive than usual.

Without feeling our feelings, we can’t really know how we feel about anything, good or bad. And it cuts us off from ourselves making us less in touch with who we are, which in turn affects our ability to connect to others in a confident, healthy way.

“Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance.” – Deepak Chopra

In the case where feelings are about past trauma or part of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) it can be very difficult to feel those feelings again, and the knee jerk reaction is to push them away and not want to feel them; to dissociate and detach from them. But those feelings more than any others need to be felt so that they can be acknowledged and released. This helps resolve how we feel inside, and teaches us how to respond to them if and when they come up again.

By allowing ourselves to feel those raw feelings and sitting with them for a while, they won’t be so raw the next time. They will be significantly reduced and maybe disappear all together.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it.” – Nicholas Sparks

Here’s the process my physio taught me when I felt triggered or upset:

1. Where in your body are you feeling this feeling? (often for me it was my stomach; I felt sick)
2. Sit with that feeling – really feel it throughout your whole body;
3. Imagine that feeling as a ball, or turn it into a ball in your mind’s eye, and imagine taking that ball out of your body and holding it in your hands;
4. Then try and put that ball back inside you;
5. Does it feel different? (usually it feels completely different or has changed and you can't get it back in)

But you don’t have to imagine it as a separate entity and imagine taking it out of yourself, you can also imagine it just fading and releasing.

We can’t change anything without acknowledging and accepting it, so by doing this we are able to change it. Not only the feeling and how we hold it in our bodies, but also how we respond to it. By being still and letting it consume us for a moment we are present with it, and present with ourselves. We learn how we feel, how our body feels, and build a better more connected relationship with ourselves.

“To express yourself needs a reason, but expressing yourself IS the reason.” – Ai Weiwei

The key to unlock guilt - what are you really feeling?

Do you feel guilt on a regular basis?

Does it control and manipulate you?

Does it paralyse and stop you doing things you want to do?

Guilt is a destructive and ultimately pointless emotion. - Lynn Crilly

One day when I was at my acupuncturist, I mentioned feelings of guilt, and he told me that guilt wasn’t a real emotion; it was an emotion that covered other emotions and asked me what I was really feeling. I thought about it, and that day it was fear and sadness.

It made me think about all the times I had felt guilt – which was quite a lot in my life as my mother used it as a tool to get her way through my entire childhood. She was a master manipulator in making me feel bad about myself so I would do what she wanted. This developed into me becoming a people pleaser, always sacrificing my own feelings for others, and feeling guilty if I didn’t.

It was revolutionary for me to realise that guilt wasn’t really an emotion, that every time I felt it I was really suppressing another emotion. With my mother it was mostly shame and fear. Shame being: what made me so important to put myself first? How could I think so highly of myself? Doing so was shameful, so I had to relent to others, meaning her. And fear: what would she do if I didn’t? What words or actions would she take to hurt me?

With my husband it was fear too, and sadness; fear that I would lose him if I didn’t act differently or do what he wanted - not that he was asking or forcing me to do anything because by then it had become an automatic response. And sadness that I wasn’t able to connect in our relationship as much as I wanted and needed.

Guilt is always hungry, don't let it consume you. - Terri Guillemets

​In deciphering guilt I was able to decipher my true feelings and release the paralysis that guilt often brings. I was able to take action and go about resolving the feelings, whether just by thinking through them, or by being able to do something about the real emotion I was feeling. It was the key to unlocking my guilt.

My feelings of guilt had also led to suppressed anger, anger which had been destructive in my life and relationships, stopping me from being able to connect properly and engage in ways that were healthy and constructive. So in understanding the truth behind my feelings of guilt, I was also able to resolve a great deal of my anger, which was mostly directed at myself for giving in to others all the time.   

So next time you find yourself feeling guilty about something, ask yourself, what am I really feeling? And try and name those feelings. If you can identify your true feelings you can take action to respond to them differently.

The guilt you feel finally comes to an end when you fully express how it came into your consciousness. - Luke Garne

Don't doubt - Do! How to crush self-doubt

Do you spend a lot of time doubting your talents?

Do you overthink everything you do, until you are not sure about anything?

Do you not know which step to take, so end up not taking any steps at all?

Overthinking and doubting yourself and your talents can keep you stuck in life. I should know, I have been there, and still find myself back there from time to time. Sometimes it feels like being on a stop and start ride at times. It's difficult to navigate out of repetitive negative thoughts and behaviors, and, as is often the case, what lies behind them is lack of self-confidence. 

"When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt."- Honore de Balzac

Not believing in yourself, your talents, or your ability to accomplish your dreams, manifests itself in self-doubt, procrastination and self-sabotage, which then leads into further negative thoughts and feelings. 

They are all symptoms of deep seated feelings of lack within yourself: you lack the belief you are worthy, you are good enough, or that you belong.

And although it is worth uncovering where the roots of these feelings begin - what caused them - it's more important to find out how to change them. 

Yes, it is possible to change how you feel about yourself because I've done it.

When I began, I realised that the key thing I was missing in believing in myself was self-trust. I didn't trust myself to do what needed to be done, from small things to big thing. I didn't trust myself to follow-through, be persistent or consistent. I didn't trust myself not to let myself down. 

Trust and believing in yourself walk hand in hand. If you don't trust yourself, you won't believe in yourself.

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you, all they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."- Richard Bach

So how do you trust yourself? You trust yourself by listening to yourself.

I don't mean the constant stream of thoughts in your head that spin around, asking more questions than they answer, and providing tainted 'evidence' about your self-worth gathered from the outside world. I mean listening to your heart. That means sitting down and just reaching out your conscious mind to your body, feeling every part of it, and settling on the heart. And then asking how it feels about the things you are struggling with, and feel the physical response your body gives. 

Feelings are a physical thing. You feel bad when you feel sick to your stomach, tense your muscles, or feel tired; and you feel good by the opposite: a spark of excitement in your stomach, relaxing your muscles, or feeling energised.

Listening to your heart means tuning into your body, and its response. It is how you connect to yourself. You trust what you know and if you know how you feel about something, you can trust it.

However, it doesn't stop second guessing, or doubting those feelings. The trick to breaking that mental cycle is a simple one: Action.

"An inch of movement will take you closer to your goals that a mile of intention." - Steve Maraboli

If you take action based on your true feelings you start building something that is past the questioning stage, something tangible. You are supporting your feelings by doing something. You are following through. And the more times you do that - take action based off your true feelings - the more you will trust both your feelings and yourself. It supports belief in your feelings and creates trust for the next time and then the next, building a rapport with yourself, a history, and a connection.  

Yes, it sounds easy, doesn't it? But no, it's not. You have to believe you are worth it, and take the time for you. If you honestly want to change how you feel, you have to make time for you and your feelings.  You have to get to a point where you tell yourself, I am worth my time. 

And what if those actions don't work out, or fail? What then? Then the cycle begins again. 

Consider what didn't work, or what you need to change to make it work, and try again. As long as you stay true to how you feel and take action that is committed and wholehearted and not doubting, you will at the very least learn something that will help you try again and be successful.  

This is not a one time only deal. You choose to give yourself a second chance every time. You choose to decide you are worth it. Life is trial and error. But until you stop listening to the doubts and actually take action, you will never know. 

Are you worth the risk? The longer you dawdle over the answer, and don't take action, the more room you leave for self doubt. 

So don't doubt - DO!

“The path to success is to take massive, determined action.”– Tony Robbins

Projecting & Reflecting: What it is & how to stop doing it.

What is Projecting and Reflecting?

Do you accuse others of things you are guilty of yourself?

Do you point out in others things you are doing yourself? 

This is part one of two posts about patterns of behaviour, and how we get stuck in repeating negative destructive patterns, and how we can overcome them once we recognise and understand them.

In a previous blog post about Perception and Perspective, I talk about how we interpret what we experience, and how that interpretation colours our point of view and ongoing experience. Our perception of the world is based on what we think, and our perspective is affected by our experience. We process everything – from how we feel, how we think, to how we experience it – in this way. And our expectation of everything around us is based off this same perception and perspective.

Projecting and reflecting works the same way. We project and reflect our feelings onto someone or something based on how we are feeling at that moment, or how we have previously experienced something.

The most common example of projecting and reflecting our feelings is when we do it with animals. We’ll look at an animal and imagine how they are feeling based on how we are feeling. We imagine what we think we would feel if we were them. And if we are not feeling good about ourselves this won’t be positive – the animal is sad, the animal is not having a good time. (I am not talking about an instance where this is actually true like an abused animal, I mean a pet that is just sitting there minding its own business and we are observing it.)

We do the same with people: we look at someone and we read their expression, behaviour or body language based on how we’re feeling at the time.

If our perception or perspective of our external world is coloured by our internal thoughts and feelings, it will affect how we react to those around us. When we project or reflect our negative feelings it is often based in insecurity about ourselves, and it works against us.

 “Projecting your anger or emotions on another crosses universal law and ensures a returned karma.” – Ariaa Jaeger

For example: if I’m angry with myself about something, I might accuse someone else of being angry with me. I am projecting/reflecting my emotion onto someone externally.

I have heard myself tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, but when I stopped and thought about it I realised that it wasn’t him who wasn’t respecting me, it was me! I was reflecting my own lack of self-respect onto him and blaming him for it.

I have also found myself saying to my husband, ‘you don’t think I’m a good parent’, when actually it is me that thinks I’m not a good parent – or fear that I am not a good parent and that everyone thinks that too.

Projecting/reflecting our fears or negative beliefs about ourselves onto others is quite common, and often the basis for a lot of negative patterns of behaviour and self-destructive actions. We can sabotage friends and relationships this way.

For example: if I am in a social situation that I am not comfortable in, or where I don’t feel I belong, I might say to myself, ‘these people don’t like me’, but in fact I am the one who thinks they don’t like me because I don’t feel comfortable. I am projecting my negative thoughts about myself onto the situation because I am fearful.

This same behaviour can show up in our expectations, in particular when we expect people to behave or react how we would. It can be a shock when they don’t. And we then blame those people for not doing or saying the things we would. It can create rifts and breakdowns in friendships and relationships, causing disconnection, separation or withdrawal. 

“Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partners' flaws.” - Steve Maraboli

The key to stopping and changing these negative patterns of behaviour can be difficult. It isn’t something that we can do overnight, but the first step is to become conscious that we are doing it.

When we catch ourselves saying that somebody thinks/acts/believes something about us, we need to ask ourselves if that is actually true. We need to ask ourselves: is it actually me that thinks and believes that about myself? We need to identify what we are projecting or reflecting on to others.

• When I tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, I need to ask: am I respecting myself?
• When I say he thinks I am not a good parent, I need to ask: do I think I’m not a good parent?
• When I say that I don’t think people/friends like me, I need to ask: am I not liking myself?

We need to consider the basis of these projections, where they come from. Our negative thoughts are from a lack of self-esteem or self-worth, and are formed by insecurities within ourselves.

We need to build self-trust, self-respect and self-esteem to counter those thoughts. We need to value ourselves and care about ourselves in the form of self-love and self-care.

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

We need to become our own best friend and treat ourselves better. We need to call ourselves out when we find ourselves accusing somebody else of doing something we should be doing ourselves. And then we need to ask and answer those questions.

• Ask how do I respect myself? And answer it: I respect myself because I am strong and I see things through, and I am a loyal friend. Remind yourself of all your good qualities that earn respect.
• Ask how am I a good parent? And answer it: I cook, clean and care for my children. I am there for them when they need me with words of comfort and empathy. They are the top priority in my life, and I always put them first.
• Ask, what do I like about myself? And answer it: I am friendly and open. I put people at ease and easily chat to people. I am supportive and loyal in my friendships

Each time we do this, we break the negative patterns and thought processes. We build self-esteem by reminding ourselves of the good inside of us, and in what ways we are valuable and worthy, reaffirming and reassuring ourselves and building self-trust and self-respect. And by creating a more positive dialogue inside, we create a more positive dialogue outside with the people around us.

“Change how you talk to yourself will change how you think. Changing how you think will change how you react. Changing how you react will change your interactions. Changing your interaction will change the outcome.” - Miranda Kate

What is Integrity? How to Create Limits & Boundaries

Do you give in to what others want to keep the peace?

Do you compromise your feelings on a topic to avoid confrontation?

Does this make you lose respect for yourself?

Do you get angry with yourself afterwards?

Integrity is a word that gets used a great deal when talking about personal issues. People with integrity are considered people to aspire to and respect. But what is integrity, and how do we obtain it?

Integrity meaning: 1) the quality of being honest & morally upright; 2) the state of being whole or unified. (Oxford English Dictionary)

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why I get so angry with myself, and mostly it’s because I’ve said yes to something I don’t really want to do. I say yes because I feel guilty if I say no. Maybe the other person wants to do it and I feel like I am stopping them if I don’t; maybe I feel like I am disappointing them if I don’t. Either way I’ll agree to things to keep the peace, to try and please someone, but I end up annoyed with myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time working out how to start listening to myself and my feelings, and learning to trust myself and put myself first, but I have struggled to do that when it comes to interacting with other people. On my own I am quite firm, but with other people, especially those close to me like my husband and my children, I will let their wishes override mine because otherwise I feel like I’m being mean or selfish. But it hasn’t helped me – or them. I have ended up becoming frustrated with myself, and angry with them. And then no one has a good time.

What I realised I needed to do was set personal limits and boundaries. And on the face of it, that seemed quite simple. But it is not just setting up rules for yourself, saying, ‘I’ll accept this, but not that’, ‘I’m okay with this, but not that’ – although that can work - it goes deeper, it is about your sense of self and your personal identity. And I realised that was what people meant when they talked about ‘integrity’. 

“Integrity simply means a willingness not to violate one’s identity.” – Erich Fromm

It wasn’t just about setting some rules and teaching people those rules, as in ‘okay, this is what I will and won’t tolerate from you’, it was about listening to myself inside and knowing who I was and what I stood for within the relationship to myself as well as to those outside of me.

It wasn’t just about what things I wanted to do, what places I wanted to go, or what my politics were or what I believed in, it was about my very sense of self, my right to BE. It was about my self-worth.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

Only once I realised I was valuable as a person, that I was worthy of everything in life, was I able to think clearly in terms of my personal limits and boundaries. And I could only hold those limits and boundaries once I was sure that I wouldn’t violate them myself, that I wouldn’t try and second guess and persuade myself to do something I didn’t really want to do, for the desire to please another. (A desire they were oblivious to, I might add, as in most cases they were unaware it wasn’t something I wanted to do – until I got angry after the fact!)

Once I was true to my heart and able to trust myself to care about my own feelings, could I say I had integrity. And then those limits and boundaries weren’t rules I had to set and make sure I followed and keep a tight hold on, like a referee making sure no one goes over the line, they became the standard, the foundation of who I was and the basis I made decisions from. 

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” - Gerard Manly Hopkins

It took me several years to understand this and several steps:

1. First I had to listen to my feelings and be a friend to myself. Realise that the inner me was as important as the outer me, and that I was worth giving my own time and attention to. 
2. Then I had to trust my feelings and show them respect, not belittle them or overrule them all the time, or second guess them. I had to stand up for them – I had to stand up for me.
3. I then had to care about those feelings, and nurture them, consider myself someone I wanted to love and care about. (NB: caring about the thoughts I have about myself is as important as caring about my physical body. If I want my body to be well and pain-free I need to feed it healthy food and exercise it, so if I want my mind to think clearly and be able to make good decisions I have to feed it positive thoughts that are supportive of me as a person and constructive to what I want).
4. Once that had been achieved, the limits and boundaries came naturally. I could think more clearly about what I was and wasn’t prepared to do to please others. I started automatically considering myself in all my decisions: factoring in my own wishes and desires.

From there on out I factored myself into everything I did – something that people who have integrity don’t even have to consciously do.

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”- Doreen Virtue

It’s not easy to work all this out. We all have to find our own routes into this. I definitely didn’t have a full understanding of integrity until I understood what limits and boundaries were (and that I had none) and how to set them. It took active action.

I would look up information about how to set limits and boundaries and write out what I wanted mine to be and focus on them. I had to stop myself and ask myself whether I was going along with something to please someone or if I genuinely wanted to do it, especially whether it would be a decision that I would regret later on down the line.

I would also ask myself, what would happen if I said no here? Often the result of saying no to something was a lot easier than my guilt had led me to believe.

Learning to say no is part of building self-esteem and self-worth, thus coming full circle. Integrity is knowing your worth and not compromising it.

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” - Barbara De Angelis

Trust issues: how to resolve them & be more you

Do you struggle trusting people? 

Are you never sure if they are going to support you?

Do you second guess the decisions you make?

“Trust is earned when actions meet words.”- Chris Butler

I’ve spent a lot of my life being unsure about the people around me. I want to trust them but I don’t know if I can. I pledge myself: my loyalty, my time, my care, my interest, but time and again I am let down, disappointed and hurt.

For me it started within my own family, first with my mother and then with my sister. Being family I automatically trusted them to love me, to care about me, be there for me and be supportive of me. And when their actions and their words said otherwise, I believed that it was my fault, that I was doing something wrong. So I’d remain open and trusting, leaving myself open to more abuse, allowing the cycle to repeat itself. 

I knew with my mother early on that it was her and not something I was doing, so I took steps to limit the contact I had with her once I left home, reducing the toxic effect on my mental and emotional health. I did, however, have moments where I thought it was safe to ‘let her in again’ only to find that I was mistaken. By the time I started my own family I had learnt to keep a tight control on how much I interacted with her, which continued until her death.

With my sister it took many more years to realise the extent to which my trust was being abused. My sister had been someone I could turn to about my mother, but I realised that although she showed me one face, she showed another to my family, telling them private things I had trusted her with, as well as claiming I had done things I hadn’t. When I refused to continue tolerating this, it created two large show downs over a span of five years, and resulted in a breakdown and physical stress-related injuries, which led to me choosing to disconnect for about 10 years, only my mothers illness & imminent death brought an end to it, but only when she unexpectedly acknowledged her behaviour & apologised. 

“The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.” - Unknown

Looking back, I realise that the abuse of my trust and the self-blame I put myself through had been going on since I was a young child. It affected my ability to form and create lasting relationships and friendships. It caused me to second guess everyone around me, breaking off perfectly good friendships and in some cases withdrawing entirely, especially from social interaction. 

I reached a point where I knew it had to change. I couldn’t continue to live in isolation, emotionally and physically. So I asked myself, how can I change this? How can I start trusting and being open again? 

I understood the reasons behind my problem, but I needed to heal from the trauma of it. I had taken the first step by removing the people who were toxic to me, but how did I risk exposing myself to other people who could be potentially toxic too?

I found the answer in the dictionary:

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something. 
Synonyms: confidence, faith, belief, sureness.

And the person I had to have confidence, faith, belief, and sureness in was myself. 

“Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.”- Benjamin Spook

I realised that trust is like seeking approval: you can seek it externally but only once you give it to yourself will you start to live the life you are looking for. 

If I started to trust myself and be sure of myself, then it didn’t matter what the people around me said or did, I knew I was there to support me and care about me. If they wanted to as well, great, but I no longer needed to worry about trusting them, because I could trust myself.

But how do you start going about doing that? 

It starts by listening to yourself: hearing how you feel about something, hearing what you believe about it, and being honest with yourself. 

“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves.” – Leon Brown

I don’t mean listening to the chatter of negative thoughts in your head, I mean listening to your heart. 

Be still with yourself a moment and ask: 

How do you feel about you?
What do you want to do with your life?
Who do you want to be?
Who do you really believe you are?
What are the things you love?
What are the things you hate? 

Listen to the answers.

All of us have an inner child:  a version of ourselves inside that still feels as we did when we were a child. Sometimes that child still feels sad or upset or disappointed by life and people. We need to nurture that child within, comfort them, and love them. Listen to their feelings, believe and trust them. Because that child is us. 

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” – Danielle LaPorte

I then understood that the inner peace and calm I was looking for came from connecting to my feelings: listening and believing them. Being honest with myself meant that I could trust myself to live my truth. I no longer second guessed myself and thus the people around me. I knew who I was. I no longer had a desire to alter myself to suit others: if they weren’t happy with who I was then they didn’t need to be in my life. 

And as an added bonus, as a result of trusting myself, I gained a sense of security within myself, of self-assurance and self-belief, and the feeling that I was OK, so everything around me was OK. 

Why don’t you try it? Surely no one is more deserving of your trust than you. 

"The more you trust your intuition, the more empowered you become, the stronger you become, and the happier you become." - Gisele Bundchen

The Simple Truth of Forgiveness to Gain Peace of Mind

Do you find forgiveness hard to do?

Do you believe that forgiving someone means letting them off the hook?

Do you wrangle with forgiveness inside yourself?

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Lewis Boese

There is a lot of talk about forgiveness and forgiving people that have hurt you. People tell you to let it go and ‘do the right thing’. They say that you are holding a grudge if you don’t forgive them and that you are causing more problems by holding on to it.

But it can be hard if it is someone that has abused you in some way, whether physically, emotionally, or verbally (or all three). It is especially difficult if that person is still inflicting pain; if they still say things and do things that hurt you.

This is the situation I had with my mother. I had to distance myself from her because she said things that were hurtful – often unknowingly – from off-hand comments about me personally (my weight, my hair, my daily habits, how I pronounce words) to out and out blaming me for events from the past when I was a small child that I couldn’t possibly have been responsible for.

Even though the things she said and did once I was a full grown adult weren’t a scratch on the screaming verbal abuse she subjected me to in my childhood, they could still cut me to the core.

When I talked about it people would ask me if I had forgiven her, and if not, why not? She’s your mother, they'd say, you ‘should’ forgive her, it will make your life better if you do.

But for years I couldn’t see how I could forgive her for all the things she had subjected me to – and sometimes still subjected me to. I struggled hard, and felt anger and resentment deep into my soul.

“Resentment is like drinking poison, and thinking it will kill your enemies.”- Nelson Mandela

But when I looked more closely at forgiveness and what it would take, I realised that it wasn’t about letting her off the hook for the trauma she had put me through as a child, but letting myself off the hook.

I learnt that forgiveness is not about forgiving them for what they did to you, but about forgiving yourself.

Because you are not to blame for being abused by another, no matter what they say, pretend, or try to twist round.

If you have been abused, it is not your fault.

I’ll repeat that: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

So forgive yourself for being blamed.

Forgive yourself for ever thinking it was something you did (or are doing) wrong.

Forgive yourself for letting something from the past still affect you.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and then realise the prisoner is you.” – Lewis B Smedes

And once you stop blaming yourself for being abused you will feel different: You will release the anger and the resentment. You will be less concerned about what they say and do from then onwards. You will move away from caring what they think, because you have put your feelings first and not theirs. You have given yourself the self-love and nurture that you deserve.

What they continue to do is what they choose to do, and you can choose to no longer be affected by it. When you forgive yourself, you also stop responding to them in the same way you did, to the things they say or the things they do. You can choose to stop letting it affect you.

A couple of years ago my mother observed how much I had changed, how different I was towards her - less argumentative, less defensive. I smiled sweetly and thought to myself, I’m not any different, I just no longer react to you the way I did. I no longer allow the things you say to hurt me anymore, because I forgave myself.

“Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.” – Tony Robbins

I am not saying that the things my mother says don’t still affect me – she is still capable of getting inside my head, but it is very rare now. I have also distanced myself from her physically, and restrict how much contact I have with her. This is something I feel people should do with anyone who is potentially toxic to them – including family.

                           

The most surprising reward for forgiving myself has been the calm it has brought inside. The peace of mind I have gained, and the confidence I have that I will no longer be upset when I am in her company. I feel sure of myself and less likely to be blindsided by my emotions, and have outbursts that make me feel out of control and judged as unstable by others. And I don’t feel angry or bitter inside anymore. I feel okay as though I have a solid foundation at last.

It didn’t happen overnight though; it started by writing my life story out for my therapist, which took some time to do as it was hard to face the things that had hurt me.

Seeing in black and white what I had been put through made me lose all guilt about feeling angry towards my mother. I finally understood why I was angry. I could see that what I had been put through was not right or fair and that I wasn’t to blame for any of it. 

Once I stopped arguing with my anger and trying to find reasons to justify my mother’s actions, I stopped feeling angry. I accepted what had happened and that I was not to blame for any of it.

It released me from the anger and also from the guilt. In writing it all out I freed myself the past.

“You do not forgive for the other person. You do it for your own freedom.” – Kute Blackson

It still took several years of therapy to sort through it all and find new ways of managing and healing some of the damage. But it was a crucial step in the process of listening to my feelings, trusting myself, and building my self-esteem.

Now on the other side of this, the simple truth of forgiveness is that it's about you and not about them.

Forgive yourself. You’re worth it.