Book Review: Mindset by Carol Dweck

Mindset: Changing the way you think to fulfil your potential by Carol S. Dweck
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was not what I expected as the word Mindset can be used in a much broader sense and cover a lot more. This book covers specifically Fixed versus Growth Mindset.

The concept to me is not new, as really to overcome life's challenges and obstacles a growth mindset is the only way to gain ground. Being open and understanding that you can grow and that it requires effort on your part is one aspect, as well as understanding that your ability is not limited and you can develop it in any area you set your mind to. Sadly many people take issue with this concept as they relate it immediately to their lives and the material/financial aspects. To me this book relates only to how you chose to view any task your undertake, from minor to major or the broader spectrum of how you approach your life. I believe changing how you think and perceive things can alter your outcome considerably. I do believe we are limitless in our capacity and it is the very essence of 'belief' that plays a part in it - meaning that you what you believe you are capable of, is what you will achieve.

This book goes in depth in many areas to explain the concept of fixed versus growth mindset. I see this book as a tool for parents, teachers and anyone managing or training people. It provides example after example to enable the reader to absorb what the author is trying to say. It can be repetitive in parts, but the author herself seems new to the concept and learning as she writes about it. Even though she has done research into it for a decade or more, she seems surprised and excited by finding that in situation after situation the growth over fixed mindset can be applied and seen in the outcome.

Personally the very basis of success or failure in life in any area is down to your mindset, but I don't confine it to just fixed or growth. Fixed, the word, means inflexible and ridge; without flexibility and being able to adapt to the ups and downs of life can result in a greater struggle.

For me this book is a reference book, easy to pick up and find an example to remind you of what you can do to help yourself, or your child or a person you feel is struggling.

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Book Review: Having the Relationship You Want, by Rori Raye

Have The Relationship You Want by Rori Raye
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was a repeat read of this book. I found it helpful the first time around when it highlighted certain things I needed to work on, and now with a second read it has highlighted other things I need to work on.

It's a book about how to breathe new life into your relationship. It focuses on intimate relationships with a partner or spouse. It sets out ground rules, and discusses how to be in a relationship, talking about masculine and feminine energies without being gender specific, and how they work and relate to each other. It talks about how to improve how you communicate (in a non-blaming way) and how to listen better. It contains exercises and questions for the reader to use and journal about.

I particularly liked the learning how to listen section and also the overfunctioning section, which really shows me where I need to change things - I take on too much and grow resent towards my partner.

It is simple and short enough to take on the ideas easily. I would say it is focused more to women in a heterosexual relationship than men, but it can be adapted to suit either. Rori Raye writes in a clear and concise way, putting her ideas and instructions across in succinct way without over-explaining or being too wordy. I would definitely recommend it if you want new clarity in your relationship.

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You can find Rori Raye's website here. 

Projecting & Reflecting: What it is & how to stop doing it.

What is Projecting and Reflecting?

Do you accuse others of things you are guilty of yourself?

Do you point out in others things you are doing yourself? 

This is part one of two posts about patterns of behaviour, and how we get stuck in repeating negative destructive patterns, and how we can overcome them once we recognise and understand them.

In a previous blog post about Perception and Perspective, I talk about how we interpret what we experience, and how that interpretation colours our point of view and ongoing experience. Our perception of the world is based on what we think, and our perspective is affected by our experience. We process everything – from how we feel, how we think, to how we experience it – in this way. And our expectation of everything around us is based off this same perception and perspective.

Projecting and reflecting works the same way. We project and reflect our feelings onto someone or something based on how we are feeling at that moment, or how we have previously experienced something.

The most common example of projecting and reflecting our feelings is when we do it with animals. We’ll look at an animal and imagine how they are feeling based on how we are feeling. We imagine what we think we would feel if we were them. And if we are not feeling good about ourselves this won’t be positive – the animal is sad, the animal is not having a good time. (I am not talking about an instance where this is actually true like an abused animal, I mean a pet that is just sitting there minding its own business and we are observing it.)

We do the same with people: we look at someone and we read their expression, behaviour or body language based on how we’re feeling at the time.

If our perception or perspective of our external world is coloured by our internal thoughts and feelings, it will affect how we react to those around us. When we project or reflect our negative feelings it is often based in insecurity about ourselves, and it works against us.

 “Projecting your anger or emotions on another crosses universal law and ensures a returned karma.” – Ariaa Jaeger

For example: if I’m angry with myself about something, I might accuse someone else of being angry with me. I am projecting/reflecting my emotion onto someone externally.

I have heard myself tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, but when I stopped and thought about it I realised that it wasn’t him who wasn’t respecting me, it was me! I was reflecting my own lack of self-respect onto him and blaming him for it.

I have also found myself saying to my husband, ‘you don’t think I’m a good parent’, when actually it is me that thinks I’m not a good parent – or fear that I am not a good parent and that everyone thinks that too.

Projecting/reflecting our fears or negative beliefs about ourselves onto others is quite common, and often the basis for a lot of negative patterns of behaviour and self-destructive actions. We can sabotage friends and relationships this way.

For example: if I am in a social situation that I am not comfortable in, or where I don’t feel I belong, I might say to myself, ‘these people don’t like me’, but in fact I am the one who thinks they don’t like me because I don’t feel comfortable. I am projecting my negative thoughts about myself onto the situation because I am fearful.

This same behaviour can show up in our expectations, in particular when we expect people to behave or react how we would. It can be a shock when they don’t. And we then blame those people for not doing or saying the things we would. It can create rifts and breakdowns in friendships and relationships, causing disconnection, separation or withdrawal. 

“Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partners' flaws.” - Steve Maraboli

The key to stopping and changing these negative patterns of behaviour can be difficult. It isn’t something that we can do overnight, but the first step is to become conscious that we are doing it.

When we catch ourselves saying that somebody thinks/acts/believes something about us, we need to ask ourselves if that is actually true. We need to ask ourselves: is it actually me that thinks and believes that about myself? We need to identify what we are projecting or reflecting on to others.

• When I tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, I need to ask: am I respecting myself?
• When I say he thinks I am not a good parent, I need to ask: do I think I’m not a good parent?
• When I say that I don’t think people/friends like me, I need to ask: am I not liking myself?

We need to consider the basis of these projections, where they come from. Our negative thoughts are from a lack of self-esteem or self-worth, and are formed by insecurities within ourselves.

We need to build self-trust, self-respect and self-esteem to counter those thoughts. We need to value ourselves and care about ourselves in the form of self-love and self-care.

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

We need to become our own best friend and treat ourselves better. We need to call ourselves out when we find ourselves accusing somebody else of doing something we should be doing ourselves. And then we need to ask and answer those questions.

• Ask how do I respect myself? And answer it: I respect myself because I am strong and I see things through, and I am a loyal friend. Remind yourself of all your good qualities that earn respect.
• Ask how am I a good parent? And answer it: I cook, clean and care for my children. I am there for them when they need me with words of comfort and empathy. They are the top priority in my life, and I always put them first.
• Ask, what do I like about myself? And answer it: I am friendly and open. I put people at ease and easily chat to people. I am supportive and loyal in my friendships

Each time we do this, we break the negative patterns and thought processes. We build self-esteem by reminding ourselves of the good inside of us, and in what ways we are valuable and worthy, reaffirming and reassuring ourselves and building self-trust and self-respect. And by creating a more positive dialogue inside, we create a more positive dialogue outside with the people around us.

“Change how you talk to yourself will change how you think. Changing how you think will change how you react. Changing how you react will change your interactions. Changing your interaction will change the outcome.” - Miranda Kate

Are you respecting yourself? How to appreciate YOU!

Do you feel people ignore you or don’t listen to what you say?

Do you feel unsupported and as though you’re not appreciated?

Do you get upset and frustrated by these feelings?

Do you dream of being valued and admired?

I do. I feel unappreciated and undervalued regularly. I feel unsupported by those around me and ignored generally. But what I’ve realised is that I’m the one who is ignoring me; I don’t appreciate or support myself emotionally, and I definitely struggle with valuing myself.

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price”. – Unknown

Recently my husband did something minor that upset me and I thought to myself ‘he doesn’t respect me!’ But then I stopped and asked myself, is that true? And I realised it wasn’t. Then I thought about why I felt that way and asked myself, it’s you who isn’t respecting youself, isn’t it? I was reflecting how I felt about myself onto my husband.

You see, I’ve been working toward self-trust by feeling and listening to my feelings, setting boundaries and limits as a way to create self-confidence and self-assurance. I’ve been working on self-care and self-love to build myself up, but I hadn’t stopped to ask myself if I was proud of how far I’d come and earnt some self-respect through this process.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve been angry at myself for a long time, especially about moving overseas for someone who I felt let down and unsupported by. And that anger has led to behavior that has damaged my marriage and affected my ability to parent effectively, frustrating my desire to be a calm interactive mum. And I’ve had a lot of feelings from my abusive childhood to confront and work through before I could begin on the current stuff. It’s been hard. 

So I ask myself: do I respect the effort I've made to repair the damage in my marriage and the commitment to being a better mum? And I realise I struggle with being proud of myself about anything.

So how do I change this and earn some self-respect? What do I need to do to change my thinking to achieve that?

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

I start by looking at how I approach the things I want to do. My expectations of myself are low. I accept that I am not disciplined or have no will-power to follow through as quickly as I would like. I avoid committing myself to anything - including my dreams. I delay and make excuses and procrastinate – a procrastination that’s based in fear.

But the fear is not about failure, it’s about success. If I succeed then I have to sustain that success and hold myself to a higher standard and have an expectation of myself. But what if I let myself down? What if I’m not good enough?

When I back-track the feeling of not being good enough, I arrive at my parents. As a child I wasn’t enough to get their attention or their interest, or hold it for more than a few minutes. Most of the time I felt like a burden – and they often told me I was. The wounds from that live on in my current life, showing up in the form of not feeling good enough in my present relationships or friendships. I feel undervalued and as though it is my fault in some way and that I’m doing something wrong. 

I am doing something wrong – I’m not respecting myself. 

I’m busy looking for validation or approval from them, rather than from myself. I’m waiting for other people to tell me I’m ok before I let myself feel ok. I’m forgetting that the only approval I need is mine; that the only person’s permission I need to feel good about myself is my own.

 “Respect yourself and others will respect you.” - Confusius

The next thing to do to start valuing myself is look at all the things I’ve achieved that I can be proud of, like giving up smoking, finishing my novel, and self-publishing a collection of my writing. But I need to also look at my day to day and all the things I do on a daily basis too.

A few years ago I worked through a book called ‘Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. One of the chapters is called ‘Overfunctioning’, which offers an exercise where you write a list of all the things you do day to day and prioritise them from 1-4: 

1 = ‘must do’

2 = ‘can do but can let it slide’

3 = ‘not sure if that is for me to be doing’

4 = ‘it’s not my job’

When I first did this I was shocked at how much I did and how many things weren’t really my responsibility, as well as how many I could let go, or pass over to my husband. Doing this exercise again I see that I’m still doing a great deal.

So I need to acknowledge that and appreciate and value how much I am doing. Take a moment to feel good about that.

But is that all I need to do? Write a list and pat myself on the back and maybe do some positive affirmations and I’ll respect myself? No.

It goes deeper than that. I need to believe that my dreams and goals are inevitable and not a 'maybe or a ‘one day’ – that with persistent continuous action they WILL happen. I need to believe I have the determination and self-discipline to see them through.

“Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power.” - Clint Eastwood

It’s only through action that I can earn my self-respect. I need to show myself that I take myself seriously. I need to value everything I do as well as acknowledge how much I do.

And not only the big achievements either; it can be small things too. Not just the publication of my book, but creating the schedule that I followed to keep writing regularly to complete that book.

This, coupled with a commitment to self-care, nurturing and loving myself, and not judging or critcising myself, can build a foundation of self-respect.

If I see what I can achieve and how capable I am, it will spark me to do more, rather than make excuses.

Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how great you are, if you don’t see it yourself? - Unknown.

Book Review: Beyond ADHD by Jeff Emmerson

Beyond ADHD: Overcoming the Label and Thriving by Jeff Emmerson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I came across Jeff Emmerson on twitter, as I have a son who was misdiagnosed with ADHD and in fact has autism (aspergers). I was concerned particularly by one organisation that just pushed medication and refused to do anything without my son being put on meds (he was 6 years old at the time). They had only observed my son in play for half an hour, and an hour at school and that was that. They refused to do an IQ test, which the next organisation immediately did - shocked that one had not been done by the previous organisation - and it immediately revealed the aspects of his autism. And I live in Holland - not in the US, where all the research for this book is focused. To me this showed immediately that there is something wrong with the system of diagnosis for this and many similar conditions - particularly ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) as well as ADHD.

In my case it was picked up by his first school at 4 years of age, who immediately said he needed to go to a special school (a system the Dutch use). And my second son, who has no issues besides his stubbornness, was also put through diagnosis because of his brothers diagnosis. The labeling and black listing that goes on in the school system is a serious issue for parents.

So I was keen to read Jeff's book as it looks at all these issues in depth with heavy research to support it.

I read some of the other reviews on this book, where people claim this is a book against medication and judgemental on those that use it. I don't agree. Jeff doesn't say anything about who should or should not be taking meds, or that those that do are bad people. What Jeff says is that if you are putting children on such a serious drug as this particular amphetamine, make sure you have the diagnosis correct and that you have been thorough in making sure you have it correct. That it shouldn't be the first thing offered as a solution and each child should be thoroughly investigated first.

My son was medicated for a couple of years, and now fortunately he is no longer. It helped, although the minute I saw there was research showing how his meds (methylphenidate) cause problems with bone density in children, I took him off them. His side effects while on them were significant - he lost his appetite and felt sick the entire time they were in his system. He lost so much weight I only medicated him in the morning for the longest part of his day at school.)

This book provides detailed research to support why we should be very concerned about the current method and rate of diagnosis, and it provides accounts of interviews with professionals in this field who discuss what they think about the current diagnostic process - most of which feel it is not adequate. Personally the data scares me for the future of our children, if we let it continue as it is. Just the list of medical conditions that share the same symptoms as ADHD is concerning enough. There needs to be a massive change in this.

Here are a few quotes from professionals in this field that bothered me a lot:

"Are they selling ADHD? You bet. Why? Because it's a proven profit maker."

"Do we call this struggle of teens to focus their attention, with this degree of information overload and equal need for constant connection to others, clinical ADHD?"

"Functional Medicine should be a norm - why aren't all children evaluated properly looking at all factors of their history & not just symptoms? How could LC [a patient] have been allowed to slip through with those symptoms at 5yrs of age? Failure of medical team."

"The development of the child's mind is a kind of unfolding or flowering that we can't wholesale create but we can nurture into fullest bloom. The metaphor is in the garden not the factory farm and certainly not the neurochemist's laboratory."

To anyone who has been diagnosed with ADHD (or ADD) or has a child diagnosed with it, I urge them to read this and get informed and maybe consider seeking further investigation into their particular issues (as I did with my son when I wasn't satisfied). Or to anyone interested in this topic. I really do wish all professionals would read this.

For me the only shame is the price of this book being so high, making it less accessible to people who would really benefit from reading it.





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What is Integrity? How to Create Limits & Boundaries

Do you give in to what others want to keep the peace?

Do you compromise your feelings on a topic to avoid confrontation?

Does this make you lose respect for yourself?

Do you get angry with yourself afterwards?

Integrity is a word that gets used a great deal when talking about personal issues. People with integrity are considered people to aspire to and respect. But what is integrity, and how do we obtain it?

Integrity meaning: 1) the quality of being honest & morally upright; 2) the state of being whole or unified. (Oxford English Dictionary)

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why I get so angry with myself, and mostly it’s because I’ve said yes to something I don’t really want to do. I say yes because I feel guilty if I say no. Maybe the other person wants to do it and I feel like I am stopping them if I don’t; maybe I feel like I am disappointing them if I don’t. Either way I’ll agree to things to keep the peace, to try and please someone, but I end up annoyed with myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time working out how to start listening to myself and my feelings, and learning to trust myself and put myself first, but I have struggled to do that when it comes to interacting with other people. On my own I am quite firm, but with other people, especially those close to me like my husband and my children, I will let their wishes override mine because otherwise I feel like I’m being mean or selfish. But it hasn’t helped me – or them. I have ended up becoming frustrated with myself, and angry with them. And then no one has a good time.

What I realised I needed to do was set personal limits and boundaries. And on the face of it, that seemed quite simple. But it is not just setting up rules for yourself, saying, ‘I’ll accept this, but not that’, ‘I’m okay with this, but not that’ – although that can work - it goes deeper, it is about your sense of self and your personal identity. And I realised that was what people meant when they talked about ‘integrity’. 

“Integrity simply means a willingness not to violate one’s identity.” – Erich Fromm

It wasn’t just about setting some rules and teaching people those rules, as in ‘okay, this is what I will and won’t tolerate from you’, it was about listening to myself inside and knowing who I was and what I stood for within the relationship to myself as well as to those outside of me.

It wasn’t just about what things I wanted to do, what places I wanted to go, or what my politics were or what I believed in, it was about my very sense of self, my right to BE. It was about my self-worth.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

Only once I realised I was valuable as a person, that I was worthy of everything in life, was I able to think clearly in terms of my personal limits and boundaries. And I could only hold those limits and boundaries once I was sure that I wouldn’t violate them myself, that I wouldn’t try and second guess and persuade myself to do something I didn’t really want to do, for the desire to please another. (A desire they were oblivious to, I might add, as in most cases they were unaware it wasn’t something I wanted to do – until I got angry after the fact!)

Once I was true to my heart and able to trust myself to care about my own feelings, could I say I had integrity. And then those limits and boundaries weren’t rules I had to set and make sure I followed and keep a tight hold on, like a referee making sure no one goes over the line, they became the standard, the foundation of who I was and the basis I made decisions from. 

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” - Gerard Manly Hopkins

It took me several years to understand this and several steps:

1. First I had to listen to my feelings and be a friend to myself. Realise that the inner me was as important as the outer me, and that I was worth giving my own time and attention to. 
2. Then I had to trust my feelings and show them respect, not belittle them or overrule them all the time, or second guess them. I had to stand up for them – I had to stand up for me.
3. I then had to care about those feelings, and nurture them, consider myself someone I wanted to love and care about. (NB: caring about the thoughts I have about myself is as important as caring about my physical body. If I want my body to be well and pain-free I need to feed it healthy food and exercise it, so if I want my mind to think clearly and be able to make good decisions I have to feed it positive thoughts that are supportive of me as a person and constructive to what I want).
4. Once that had been achieved, the limits and boundaries came naturally. I could think more clearly about what I was and wasn’t prepared to do to please others. I started automatically considering myself in all my decisions: factoring in my own wishes and desires.

From there on out I factored myself into everything I did – something that people who have integrity don’t even have to consciously do.

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”- Doreen Virtue

It’s not easy to work all this out. We all have to find our own routes into this. I definitely didn’t have a full understanding of integrity until I understood what limits and boundaries were (and that I had none) and how to set them. It took active action.

I would look up information about how to set limits and boundaries and write out what I wanted mine to be and focus on them. I had to stop myself and ask myself whether I was going along with something to please someone or if I genuinely wanted to do it, especially whether it would be a decision that I would regret later on down the line.

I would also ask myself, what would happen if I said no here? Often the result of saying no to something was a lot easier than my guilt had led me to believe.

Learning to say no is part of building self-esteem and self-worth, thus coming full circle. Integrity is knowing your worth and not compromising it.

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” - Barbara De Angelis

Book Review: I'm Ok, You're Ok by Thomas Harris

I'm Ok, You're Ok by Thomas A. Harris
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

My therapist in my 20s used the sequel to this book - Staying Okay - as a basis for the tools he taught me to deal with past traumas and events that still affected me, so I was aware of Transactional Analysis, or the concept of Parent/Adult/Child before reading I'm Ok, You're Ok.

I was daunted at the idea of reading this book, as having read many self-help books, some can get very bogged down in the language and terminology, but I found this refreshing and surprisingly easy to read and understand, especially considering it was written in the mid-60s. Thomas Harris uses a conversational narrative which helped it flow.

I found the breakdown of the chapters clear and succinct. The author starts by explaining the concept of Parent-Adult-Child (PAC), which are states of mind that we move between. The Parent comes from the recordings in our memory of things our parents have said to us as children, and the Child is the emotional side of ourselves that feels and reacts to things and is often the victim. The Adult is the rational between the two, which enables us to find a balance so we don't berate ourselves or others with the voice of our Parent, or overreact or create drama from our Child. The mindset we are in can affect our interaction and communication with those around us - our Transactions (hence Transactional Analysis) and understanding which of the mindsets we are in can enable us to improve our interactions.

The author then explains how this works within marriage, referencing a book called Games People Play by his colleague and founder of Transactional Analysis, Eric Berne. And then with children, moving through the different age groups. He uses examples of his own experience as a therapist, giving dialogue and real interactions. I found this helped me understand how it can be applied.

The last couple of chapters in the book felt a bit like fillers to me as he discusses his own thoughts on topics of morality and how this system can be used globally. Some areas were dated - the author has no idea of how much society will change from the time he first wrote this to now, and it reflects in some of the examples he gives of working with clients. Although his views in some areas were quite progressive for the time, in particular about religion. I can imagine religious people might be offended by this book, or dismiss it due to some of the things that Thomas Harris has to say about the dogma and doctrine of religion and how it can be destructive, as it restricts people's ability to question and be open minded. I personally agree with his view on these topics.

I am rather excited about re-learning this system of analysis, and can immediately see how it can help me relate better within my marriage and with my children, although it would be nice to train properly in it. Sadly, it doesn't seem to have become as widely used as the author had hoped and speculated, which is a shame because many people could benefit from this system of relating and understanding both oneself and other people - particularly people like myself, who have suffered trauma and have very contaminated recordings from their childhood that affect them on a daily basis.

Should you be interested in a brief description of this method before delving deeper into this book, I found one here - http://changingminds.org/explanations...

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Book Review: It's All Mind: The Simplified Philosophy of A Course in Miracles by Edwin Navarro

It's All Mind: The Simplified Philosophy of A Course in Miracles by Edwin Navarro
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This book is a summation of another book (A Course in Miracles). And from what I understand it does this quite concisely. My problem with this book is less about the writing than it is about the content. I am not religious & don't believe in or subscribe to any dogma or doctrine relating to the bible, so putting the context of this summation in a religious framework doesn't work for me.

I am spiritual however & cross paths with the idea that we are all one energy & that love & compassion is the key to a happy fulfilled experience in this life. But I am cautious of the concept that what we see externally is an illusion & there is no physical world & that it is all perception, & this is our ego trying to separate us & make us think we are seperate & not a part of something greater, & that is why we experience pain & loneliness.

They are interesting concepts - but for me that is all they are.

If you are religious maybe this book might offer you something, but for me it is far too wrapped up in 'God' & too rigid in its ideas which are based off someone (whoever wrote A Course In Miracles) having a psychic experience they have interpreted in this way.

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Trust issues: how to resolve them & be more you

Do you struggle trusting people? 

Are you never sure if they are going to support you?

Do you second guess the decisions you make?

“Trust is earned when actions meet words.”- Chris Butler

I’ve spent a lot of my life being unsure about the people around me. I want to trust them but I don’t know if I can. I pledge myself: my loyalty, my time, my care, my interest, but time and again I am let down, disappointed and hurt.

For me it started within my own family, first with my mother and then with my sister. Being family I automatically trusted them to love me, to care about me, be there for me and be supportive of me. And when their actions and their words said otherwise, I believed that it was my fault, that I was doing something wrong. So I’d remain open and trusting, leaving myself open to more abuse, allowing the cycle to repeat itself. 

I knew with my mother early on that it was her and not something I was doing, so I took steps to limit the contact I had with her once I left home, reducing the toxic effect on my mental and emotional health. I did, however, have moments where I thought it was safe to ‘let her in again’ only to find that I was mistaken. By the time I started my own family I had learnt to keep a tight control on how much I interacted with her, which continued until her death.

With my sister it took many more years to realise the extent to which my trust was being abused. My sister had been someone I could turn to about my mother, but I realised that although she showed me one face, she showed another to my family, telling them private things I had trusted her with, as well as claiming I had done things I hadn’t. When I refused to continue tolerating this, it created two large show downs over a span of five years, and resulted in a breakdown and physical stress-related injuries, which led to me choosing to disconnect for about 10 years, only my mothers illness & imminent death brought an end to it, but only when she unexpectedly acknowledged her behaviour & apologised. 

“The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.” - Unknown

Looking back, I realise that the abuse of my trust and the self-blame I put myself through had been going on since I was a young child. It affected my ability to form and create lasting relationships and friendships. It caused me to second guess everyone around me, breaking off perfectly good friendships and in some cases withdrawing entirely, especially from social interaction. 

I reached a point where I knew it had to change. I couldn’t continue to live in isolation, emotionally and physically. So I asked myself, how can I change this? How can I start trusting and being open again? 

I understood the reasons behind my problem, but I needed to heal from the trauma of it. I had taken the first step by removing the people who were toxic to me, but how did I risk exposing myself to other people who could be potentially toxic too?

I found the answer in the dictionary:

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something. 
Synonyms: confidence, faith, belief, sureness.

And the person I had to have confidence, faith, belief, and sureness in was myself. 

“Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.”- Benjamin Spook

I realised that trust is like seeking approval: you can seek it externally but only once you give it to yourself will you start to live the life you are looking for. 

If I started to trust myself and be sure of myself, then it didn’t matter what the people around me said or did, I knew I was there to support me and care about me. If they wanted to as well, great, but I no longer needed to worry about trusting them, because I could trust myself.

But how do you start going about doing that? 

It starts by listening to yourself: hearing how you feel about something, hearing what you believe about it, and being honest with yourself. 

“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves.” – Leon Brown

I don’t mean listening to the chatter of negative thoughts in your head, I mean listening to your heart. 

Be still with yourself a moment and ask: 

How do you feel about you?
What do you want to do with your life?
Who do you want to be?
Who do you really believe you are?
What are the things you love?
What are the things you hate? 

Listen to the answers.

All of us have an inner child:  a version of ourselves inside that still feels as we did when we were a child. Sometimes that child still feels sad or upset or disappointed by life and people. We need to nurture that child within, comfort them, and love them. Listen to their feelings, believe and trust them. Because that child is us. 

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” – Danielle LaPorte

I then understood that the inner peace and calm I was looking for came from connecting to my feelings: listening and believing them. Being honest with myself meant that I could trust myself to live my truth. I no longer second guessed myself and thus the people around me. I knew who I was. I no longer had a desire to alter myself to suit others: if they weren’t happy with who I was then they didn’t need to be in my life. 

And as an added bonus, as a result of trusting myself, I gained a sense of security within myself, of self-assurance and self-belief, and the feeling that I was OK, so everything around me was OK. 

Why don’t you try it? Surely no one is more deserving of your trust than you. 

"The more you trust your intuition, the more empowered you become, the stronger you become, and the happier you become." - Gisele Bundchen

Book Review: Your Aura and Your Chakras: The Owner's Manual by Karla McLaren

Your Aura and Your Chakras: The Owner's Manual by Karla McLaren
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was very interested in reading this book to clearly define in my mind the meaning of each of the Chakras and this book did do this. It also gives information on Aura's and how to ground yourself. I found this interesting and very helpful. Karla McLaren goes into detail about how she goes about doing all these things.

My only difficulty I have with this book, and have experienced with other writers of these types of metaphysical things, is that she writes as though what she does and how she does it is the only way and is kind of fixed and factual. To me it is individual and each person perceives things in their mind their own way. As someone that does energy light healing in colours, although I found Karla's methods interesting, I chose to pick and choose which pieces worked for me, and used my own interpretation of some of the things Karla talked about.

I did learn a great deal from this book however, and would definitely return to it for reference.

View all my reviews

The Simple Truth of Forgiveness to Gain Peace of Mind

Do you find forgiveness hard to do?

Do you believe that forgiving someone means letting them off the hook?

Do you wrangle with forgiveness inside yourself?

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Lewis Boese

There is a lot of talk about forgiveness and forgiving people that have hurt you. People tell you to let it go and ‘do the right thing’. They say that you are holding a grudge if you don’t forgive them and that you are causing more problems by holding on to it.

But it can be hard if it is someone that has abused you in some way, whether physically, emotionally, or verbally (or all three). It is especially difficult if that person is still inflicting pain; if they still say things and do things that hurt you.

This is the situation I had with my mother. I had to distance myself from her because she said things that were hurtful – often unknowingly – from off-hand comments about me personally (my weight, my hair, my daily habits, how I pronounce words) to out and out blaming me for events from the past when I was a small child that I couldn’t possibly have been responsible for.

Even though the things she said and did once I was a full grown adult weren’t a scratch on the screaming verbal abuse she subjected me to in my childhood, they could still cut me to the core.

When I talked about it people would ask me if I had forgiven her, and if not, why not? She’s your mother, they'd say, you ‘should’ forgive her, it will make your life better if you do.

But for years I couldn’t see how I could forgive her for all the things she had subjected me to – and sometimes still subjected me to. I struggled hard, and felt anger and resentment deep into my soul.

“Resentment is like drinking poison, and thinking it will kill your enemies.”- Nelson Mandela

But when I looked more closely at forgiveness and what it would take, I realised that it wasn’t about letting her off the hook for the trauma she had put me through as a child, but letting myself off the hook.

I learnt that forgiveness is not about forgiving them for what they did to you, but about forgiving yourself.

Because you are not to blame for being abused by another, no matter what they say, pretend, or try to twist round.

If you have been abused, it is not your fault.

I’ll repeat that: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

So forgive yourself for being blamed.

Forgive yourself for ever thinking it was something you did (or are doing) wrong.

Forgive yourself for letting something from the past still affect you.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and then realise the prisoner is you.” – Lewis B Smedes

And once you stop blaming yourself for being abused you will feel different: You will release the anger and the resentment. You will be less concerned about what they say and do from then onwards. You will move away from caring what they think, because you have put your feelings first and not theirs. You have given yourself the self-love and nurture that you deserve.

What they continue to do is what they choose to do, and you can choose to no longer be affected by it. When you forgive yourself, you also stop responding to them in the same way you did, to the things they say or the things they do. You can choose to stop letting it affect you.

A couple of years ago my mother observed how much I had changed, how different I was towards her - less argumentative, less defensive. I smiled sweetly and thought to myself, I’m not any different, I just no longer react to you the way I did. I no longer allow the things you say to hurt me anymore, because I forgave myself.

“Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.” – Tony Robbins

I am not saying that the things my mother says don’t still affect me – she is still capable of getting inside my head, but it is very rare now. I have also distanced myself from her physically, and restrict how much contact I have with her. This is something I feel people should do with anyone who is potentially toxic to them – including family.

                           

The most surprising reward for forgiving myself has been the calm it has brought inside. The peace of mind I have gained, and the confidence I have that I will no longer be upset when I am in her company. I feel sure of myself and less likely to be blindsided by my emotions, and have outbursts that make me feel out of control and judged as unstable by others. And I don’t feel angry or bitter inside anymore. I feel okay as though I have a solid foundation at last.

It didn’t happen overnight though; it started by writing my life story out for my therapist, which took some time to do as it was hard to face the things that had hurt me.

Seeing in black and white what I had been put through made me lose all guilt about feeling angry towards my mother. I finally understood why I was angry. I could see that what I had been put through was not right or fair and that I wasn’t to blame for any of it. 

Once I stopped arguing with my anger and trying to find reasons to justify my mother’s actions, I stopped feeling angry. I accepted what had happened and that I was not to blame for any of it.

It released me from the anger and also from the guilt. In writing it all out I freed myself the past.

“You do not forgive for the other person. You do it for your own freedom.” – Kute Blackson

It still took several years of therapy to sort through it all and find new ways of managing and healing some of the damage. But it was a crucial step in the process of listening to my feelings, trusting myself, and building my self-esteem.

Now on the other side of this, the simple truth of forgiveness is that it's about you and not about them.

Forgive yourself. You’re worth it.

How to be accepting & stop resisting what you don't like about your life

Do you get frustrated by the things you can’t change or control in your life?

Do you get angry when things don’t go the way you want?

Do you waste time and energy refusing to accept the ways things are?

 “Resistance is futile”- The Borg Collective - Star Trek: First Contact 😉

I am a not a Trekkie per se, but The Borg were correct. It will cause you more trouble than it’s worth to resist assimilation.

There are some things that you can’t change or control in life, but resisting them will cause you more pain in the long term and keep you stuck in a negative place for longer than necessary.

My best friend used to repeat to me on the phone, “Accept and allow, go with the flow of life.” It took me years to fully understand and embrace this concept. I could understand it in theory but it felt like an unachievable goal for me. I found everything difficult.

Even though I made decisions to do things – like moving to a foreign country and culture to be with my partner - I resisted them. Often it was because I didn’t really want to do them and I was doing them to please another, but I made it harder on myself by refusing to accept that it was a choice that I had made and not one that was forced upon me.

I was locked in the victim mindset.

In the instance of moving to a foreign country for love, this led me to reject what I found there: the friends, community, and the different culture. And rather than embrace the life on offer, I resisted it. I attempted a few things, but when they didn’t go the way I wanted or didn’t achieve the results I was looking for, I felt stuck and I fixated on feeling powerless.

I longed for the things I didn’t have and only focused on what was missing from my life. I became miserable, tense, stressed, frustrated and very angry. For me this manifested mentally in a breakdown in 2008, and physically in two slipped discs in my neck in 2014.

“Resisting what is happening is a major cause of suffering.” -  Pema Chodron 

But it was during the pain I experienced with the slipped disc in my neck (which trapped a nerve, putting my right shoulder and arm in excruciating pain for 8 weeks at a time – they slipped twice) that I learnt to surrender.

I learnt to accept that I couldn’t do anything. I let go of everything – all the expectations I had of myself and of others, all the things I thought I had to do, all the chores I did to try and feel that my life was worth living. I could do nothing, so I did nothing.

And what I found was that there were people to support me and my husband to pick up the slack. And when you aren’t able to lose your temper over something petty, you respond differently - quietly and calmly, and people respond differently.

Within the pain I found the calm I was seeking.

“You can't calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” - Timber Hawkeye

I had to surrender.

I don’t like to use the word surrender, because to me it means to give up – but I didn’t give up, I opened up.

I accepted that this was how things were going to be and to let go in that moment. I let others help me; I relinquished control; I stopped and observed the life around me.

In accepting that time (and fortunately recovering) I was able to understand that I needed to accept other aspects of my life too. I needed to look at what I did have in my life and appreciate it and embrace it. I started to take walks in nature and appreciate where I was living. I stopped thinking about my future and where my life was going, and started living in the present.

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu

When the noise in my mind would start up about where I wanted to live, what I wanted to be doing with my life, and how I felt like I was stagnating and not growing, I would just let the noise go.

I would hear it, register it, but know that I could only get to where I wanted to step by step, day by day. I took the end goal, the one thing I wanted to do the most, and broke it down into small steps - things I could achieve on a daily basis.

This enabled me to feel like I was moving forward. I would still have moments of frustration, but rather than fight that frustration I would allow myself to feel it – journal it out, or express it to a trusted friend, but then I would let it go.

“Resisting your negative feelings just keeps you stuck.” - Kute Blackson

When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me I thought too much about what I was doing to make the learning process easy. He said he could always tell when I started thinking about what I was doing because I would stall the car or crunch the gears. He said, “If you just let go and let your body do what you have trained it to do, it will be much easier. When you think about it, you interrupt the flow.”

By thinking about what I was doing I was letting my brain take over and panic about what I was doing. If I had accepted that I did know and allowed the training to flow through me, I wouldn’t have had a problem.

Often resistance is built up from having too many expectations. If we drop expectation of how something will be, and of ourselves in that situation, and not focus on a desired outcome, we can accept whatever happens organically.

We can release ourselves from the need to control. We become open to whatever happens. And accepting how our life is, in that moment, brings freedom and peace.

“It takes radical acceptance to bring inner peace.”- Kute Blackson

It can be a struggle to accept where you are in life if it is not what you want or where you saw yourself being. You can be consumed with trying to change it. But while you are spending time looking at all the things that aren’t working, you are closed to what IS working.

But how do you stop, if you are truly unhappy with your situation?

Have you ever thought about taking a holiday from your thinking?

If there is something you know you can’t do anything about right now, such as: move house, move job, create more time for yourself, go traveling, then set a date in the future  - a month, 6 months, a year from now, when you can review it again.

And every time you find yourself thinking about it, say, “No, I'm not going to think about that until *insert date*.”

I found this worked to stop me constantly thinking about how to change my situation. I knew I wouldn’t be able to for more than a year, so I set a date to review it the following year. And every time I thought about it, I stopped myself. I said, no, I’m not going to think about that now. I took a holiday from thinking about it. And the more often I stopped myself from thinking about it, the easier it became, until I was thinking about it less and less.

And what also happened, during that holiday, was say to myself, okay, I’m here for the next year, so how can I enjoy and embrace the life I have right now?

It changed the entire perspective I had on the life I was actually living. I was able to engage more with the people in my life and create a better day to day existence.

It broke the habit of the negative frustrated thoughts I was experiencing and allowed me to concentrate on the things that I could change in my life at that moment, and give myself room to work on the things that would help me move forward to the change I did want to see.

By accepting my life as it was I'd freed myself from being a victim in my life, which enabled me to find my personal power over the things I could do something about. It gave me freedom and peace of mind.

“Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” – Eckhart Tolle