Are you really listening? How to actively listen

Do you ever walk away from a conversation and can’t remember what the other person has said?

Do you ever leave a social gathering & realise you didn’t ask the questions you wanted?

Have you ever had a friend say they told you something important but you don’t remember?

I have. 

I’ve had this happen multiple times. And every time I realised I wasn’t listening properly. I was so busy forming my responses, or telling them about myself, I totally missed what they actually said. And although they might have thought otherwise, it was not intentional.

If people keep asking me questions about me, it doesn’t occur to me that they might just be being polite, I get lost in talking about whatever they are asking me. And when they are talking about something, I find myself searching for a situation in my life that I can relate to it and respond with.

But when a friend said she had told me something personal and I had no recollection of it, I started to worry about this. And then when I walked away from social gatherings a few times and realised I hadn’t asked about someone about something that was going on with them, I realised I needed to make a change. 

I needed to learn how to Actively Listen.

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” - Bryant H. McGill

I am a big talker; I can talk on any given topic for ages, and I have to be careful not to interrupt others or talk over them. It is something I have had to train myself into. 

And what triggered my understanding of why I incessantly talk — especially in situations where I am nervous — was when someone said ‘you weren’t listened to as a child, were you?’ It stopped me in my tracks, because it was true.

My childhood was not an easy one. I am a child of domestic violence and for the latter part of my childhood we moved around constantly. I had one parent interacting with me on a daily basis, in neither a positive or nurturing way. They weren’t really interested in me, they were very focused on themselves and their situation. They certainly had no interest in anything I had to say (and that hasn’t change into adulthood).

I began to realise I was always talking, trying to either impart my opinion and/or receive some kind of response to it. I used talking as a way to try and make a connection, be accepted and approved of and also gauge if my thoughts and opinions were ‘normal’, because my isolated childhood meant I had no gauge. 

My inability to listen was because no one had listened to me. Fortunately this was something I could change.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” - Ralph Nichols

There are four main ways we show we are actively listening to someone. They are:

Eye contact

Looking at the person who is speaking to you in the eye, keeps your mind focused on what they are saying, rather than looking away at people around you, or at the clock. Looking at everything other than the person indicates you are not interested in what they have to say and are just waiting for them to finish. 

Body language

Much like the eyes, body language denotes engagement: facing the person, legs crossed towards them, staying still and not fidgeting. 

Verbal response

In person, but especially when on the phone with them, making sounds is important, it shows you are listening and paying attention to their words. It can be just a simple acknowledging sound, like ‘uh huh’ or it can be a word relating to what they are saying, or to prompt them to say more, like ‘and?’ or ‘and what happened then?’

Asking open questions that refer to what they said and waiting

Asking questions about what they have told you is a definitive acknowledgement of what they are telling you. But waiting for a response to your question, rather than using it to lead into something you want to talk about, is also paramount. You get to hear what they have said and hold onto it in your mind. 

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” - Larry King

Learning to actively listen has also helped me be a better parent and make sure my children feel heard too, as my own experience has shown that it’s a necessary part of parenting. Whenever I found myself modeling my own parent’s behaviour I would remind myself of three things to help me: 

·         Put down or stop what you are doing 

·         Bend or crouch down if they are small children, so you are on their level 

·         Keep the tone of your voice low when asking them what they want to tell you

When going through this process I also maintain eye contact and repeat back to them what they had told me to confirm that they have been heard.

The payoff is that now my children are older, they feel they can approach me when they have something they want to tell me or speak to me about.

“Listening shows kids they matter, we love them, and their words are important.”

For more information about learning to actively listen, here’s an article by Tony Robbins on the power of deep listening that I found useful.

Mindset - Growth vs Fixed: How to literally change your mind

Do you believe you can only do things one way?

Do you believe that there’s a limit to what you can learn?

Do you believe you are only capable of doing certain things?

A common term these days is ‘Growth Mindset’. It's the new thing to be and to have, but what exactly is it? 

Mindset simply means the way you think or view things. Your mind is set a certain way; you think about things a certain way, or see them from a certain perspective, and your actions are dictated by what you think.

A ‘Growth Mindset’ means you are able to change your perception or view point and expand it to take on new ideas, concepts, and ways of doing things.

“If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” - Jesse Jackson

In contrast the term ‘Fixed Mindset’ means you are limited by what you believe you are capable of achieving or thinking - you are fixed in your thinking.

If you believe in certain ways of doing things or there is a limit to what you can learn, and are rigid in how you do them, and/or don’t believe there is another way for you, then you have a fixed mindset and you find it difficult to conceive that you could change that. This fixed thinking means you can’t grow or expand in what you can achieve or learn - or at least you don’t think you can.

“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations our possibilities become limitless.” - Jamie Paolinetti

In life this can either help or hinder, and it shows up in different ways.

You might have a dream about something you want to do, but if you don’t believe it is actually possible for you to achieve it, you won't take action to make that dream happen. It restricts you, and this can leave you unhappy, depressed, even anxious. You might even think there is no point in your life, leading to even darker thinking.

How we think about what we can and can’t do is affected by what others say and tell us, whether it’s parents, teachers or peers. It’s also by what we experience and what meaning we attach to that experience - whether it is something positive or negative – and this in turn can change the decisions when we make future choices.

“Growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.” - Carol Dweck

A mindset is a dialogue in our heads. We create this dialogue through our experiences and our feelings, and through what we hear and see externally; through how people treat us and respond to us.

If enough people tell us there is something wrong with us we might then believe it to be true, restricting and treating ourselves accordingly. If they tell us we can’t do something enough times, we might believe it.

But we can stop believing it by literally changing our minds. It’s all down to our internal dialogue. Nothing externally can change that, only we can.

“Change your thoughts, change your life.” - Wayne Dyer

A lot of the ways we limit ourselves are based in fear and comes from low self-esteem and self-doubt. If we are strong in our sense of self and who we are, and trust ourselves and listen to our hearts, we can be more open to change how we think.

We can start this by remembering these three things:

1.) You are not your thoughts

Thoughts are your minds way of processing your day, you don’t need to let them dictate how you feel. You can choose which thoughts to engage with and which ones to discard. But the thoughts you think the most in your conscious mind will feed what your subconscious repeats and delivers into the conscious mind, so the more you interrupt negative thoughts by challenging and replacing them with accurate, ‘true’ thoughts, the more you will train your subconscious into only throwing up helpful, supportive thoughts that will help you open up to what you really want to achieve.

2) You always have a choice

You can not change or control anyone or anything outside yourself. You can only control how you choose to react, and that is always a choice, whether you are aware of it or not (often we are not). You also don’t have to justify any of your life choices or actions either – a common misconception in our society. Only you need to be sure about what you are doing, and leading from the heart. If you are confident in your choices, those around you will be confident too.

3.) What you believe is how you live

The word 'believe' has two other words in it: 'be' and 'live' so what we believe is what we be and how we live. The world is open to you if you believe it is. You can achieve anything you want if you believe you can achieve it. You are only limited by what you believe is possible, and that is fed by your mind and thoughts.

Our internal dialogue can limit us if it is negative: we won’t believe we can do all the things we want to do, no matter how much someone else says we can, or what we witness others doing. Only if we believe it ourselves will we be able to achieve it.

We can feel restricted or we can feel limitless, the choice is ours.

Thus our minds are either fixed or growing - the choice is ours.

Whether you believe you can, or believe you can't, your right. - Henry Ford

Personally I like to believe we can change the stars!

Curious about The Law of Attraction? Here's what you need to know

What is the Law of Attraction?

Where does the term come from?

How can I make it work for me?

You will find untold articles on the internet about ‘The Law of Attraction’. It has become a big money maker in the Personal Development and Self-Help industry.

Here’s a little History: 

The concept is believed to have originated in the United States back in the early 1800s by a guy called Phineas Quimby, who led something called the ‘New Thought Movement’ of that time. And the term itself appeared in print for the first time in a book written by a Russian occultist called Helena Blavatsky – she used it in a context alluding to an attracting power existing between elements of spirit.

But the person who first articulated the Law as a general principle was Prentice Mulford, who was a central figure in the development of New Thought thinking. He discussed it in his essay ‘The Law of Success’ published 1886-1887. In the 20^th century it became a much larger topic with many people talking about it, and growing the concept further, two significant books being: Think and Grow Rich (1937) by Napoleon Hill & You Can Heal Your Life (1984) by Louise Hay.

Louise Hay certainly took it to new heights by starting a publishing company, Hay House Publishing, which publishes exclusively self-help, personal development, inspirational and transformational books, courses and products.

The ‘Law’ itself is simple. Here’s a few cliché descriptions: 

You get out what you put in

What you give is what you get

Like attracts like

You reap what you sow 

Yes, all of those are speaking about this concept.

And you can read endless books and even watch films (such as The Secret) which expand on the concept, and pull it apart and try and make it scientific. But the fundamental basis is that you create your own reality by what you think and how you perceive the world around you. 

‘Reality is a projection of your thoughts or the things you habitually think about.’ - Stephen Richards 

If you feel unhappy about elements in your life (work home, relationships) and think about all the things that make you unhappy all the time, you are going to find even more things that make you unhappy. And the reverse is true: If there are lots of things that make you happy in your life and you spend a lot of time thinking about the things that make you happy, you will find more things to make you happy. Either way you will be inspired to search for more of the same whether consciously or not. 

“Whatever you hold in your mind on a consistent basis is exactly what you will experience in your life.” - Tony Robbins 

Take for example my stepfather, who believed that Friday the 13^th was an unlucky day, because he had a car accident on that day and date. So every Friday the 13^th he believed that something bad was going to happen, so all day he looked for that bad thing. He was physically tense and uncomfortable all day, and any tiny thing, like dropping something or making a mistake, became larger than normal and he became super focused on it. He was looking for bad things to happen, so they did. He was distracted enough by this that he had another car accident on that date – despite it being minor. This fed his belief that it was an ‘unlucky’ day. 

‘Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.’- Henry Fonda 

There is a saying ‘you create your own luck’ and what this means is, if you are confident and sure you can achieve something, and have commitment and determination to achieve it, then you will. You will see any problems or obstacles as challenges and lessons. Continued persistence will result in success. Whereas, if you are uncertain and not sure it’s what you want, and at the first difficult step stop and give up, it won’t be successful. It doesn’t mean you are unlucky, it means that you chose not to continue to pursue it. 

‘The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.’ - Stephen Richards 

In terms of ‘the Law of Attraction’ the concept talks about ‘energy’ and ‘vibration’, putting it out to receive the same. I see that as our intention and commitment we set in our minds or speak out loud when we decide on something we want.

A lot of the books use the term ‘abundance’, which means success in money, work, love, or anything you desire. They use the term ‘lack of scarcity’ to express when we spend too much time thinking about what we don’t have or have not yet achieved. The idea being that if we spend too much of our ‘energy’ thinking about what we don’t have, we will only see those things and thus ‘bring’ into our lives – meaning that if we constantly think ‘I don’t have all this’ we create a negative feeling about it (despair, hopelessness, depression) and that will not help us, and may lead us to give up trying to gain them – a sort of negative spiral of thought.

Whereas focusing and seeing what we do have – the whole ‘being grateful’ and ‘living in gratitude’ that it spoken about in these same books – will bring positive feelings and thoughts about what we have in our lives, whether big or small. And the more we look at what we have, the more we feel we have. 

‘Be grateful for what you already have while you pursue your goals. If you aren’t grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you would be happy with more?’ - Roy T. Bennett 

Then there is the Law of Attraction concept that applies to the experience of the negative person.

Most people don’t like being around someone who only has negative things to say, and complains about their lives: relationships, work, home. Trust me, I have been that person. They can’t be helped, anything anyone says is turned into a negative point. It puts people off. Their ‘negative energy’ contributes to the problem: people don’t want to be around them. So if they feel bad about themselves or lonely and isolated, they will only feel more of the same, as people find them toxic or unpleasant company and move away from them.

Whereas someone who is always happy, and always has something good to say, is welcomed by the people around them. They don’t have to be super bubbly or excessive about it, but if they are calm and positive about what they talk about – even with things that might not be great in their lives, people won’t turn away from them. Their mood or energy is attractive. People will return and want them in their company. 

‘When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the centre of every constellation, and people want to be near you.’ - Shannon L. Alder 

All of this applies to ‘The Law of Attraction’.

No matter how esoteric this concept may seem, or how elusive, this is the fundamental basis of the concept. And it comes down to changing your thoughts to enhance the life you create for yourself. 

Projecting & Reflecting: What it is & how to stop doing it.

What is Projecting and Reflecting?

Do you accuse others of things you are guilty of yourself?

Do you point out in others things you are doing yourself? 

This is part one of two posts about patterns of behaviour, and how we get stuck in repeating negative destructive patterns, and how we can overcome them once we recognise and understand them.

In a previous blog post about Perception and Perspective, I talk about how we interpret what we experience, and how that interpretation colours our point of view and ongoing experience. Our perception of the world is based on what we think, and our perspective is affected by our experience. We process everything – from how we feel, how we think, to how we experience it – in this way. And our expectation of everything around us is based off this same perception and perspective.

Projecting and reflecting works the same way. We project and reflect our feelings onto someone or something based on how we are feeling at that moment, or how we have previously experienced something.

The most common example of projecting and reflecting our feelings is when we do it with animals. We’ll look at an animal and imagine how they are feeling based on how we are feeling. We imagine what we think we would feel if we were them. And if we are not feeling good about ourselves this won’t be positive – the animal is sad, the animal is not having a good time. (I am not talking about an instance where this is actually true like an abused animal, I mean a pet that is just sitting there minding its own business and we are observing it.)

We do the same with people: we look at someone and we read their expression, behaviour or body language based on how we’re feeling at the time.

If our perception or perspective of our external world is coloured by our internal thoughts and feelings, it will affect how we react to those around us. When we project or reflect our negative feelings it is often based in insecurity about ourselves, and it works against us.

 “Projecting your anger or emotions on another crosses universal law and ensures a returned karma.” – Ariaa Jaeger

For example: if I’m angry with myself about something, I might accuse someone else of being angry with me. I am projecting/reflecting my emotion onto someone externally.

I have heard myself tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, but when I stopped and thought about it I realised that it wasn’t him who wasn’t respecting me, it was me! I was reflecting my own lack of self-respect onto him and blaming him for it.

I have also found myself saying to my husband, ‘you don’t think I’m a good parent’, when actually it is me that thinks I’m not a good parent – or fear that I am not a good parent and that everyone thinks that too.

Projecting/reflecting our fears or negative beliefs about ourselves onto others is quite common, and often the basis for a lot of negative patterns of behaviour and self-destructive actions. We can sabotage friends and relationships this way.

For example: if I am in a social situation that I am not comfortable in, or where I don’t feel I belong, I might say to myself, ‘these people don’t like me’, but in fact I am the one who thinks they don’t like me because I don’t feel comfortable. I am projecting my negative thoughts about myself onto the situation because I am fearful.

This same behaviour can show up in our expectations, in particular when we expect people to behave or react how we would. It can be a shock when they don’t. And we then blame those people for not doing or saying the things we would. It can create rifts and breakdowns in friendships and relationships, causing disconnection, separation or withdrawal. 

“Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partners' flaws.” - Steve Maraboli

The key to stopping and changing these negative patterns of behaviour can be difficult. It isn’t something that we can do overnight, but the first step is to become conscious that we are doing it.

When we catch ourselves saying that somebody thinks/acts/believes something about us, we need to ask ourselves if that is actually true. We need to ask ourselves: is it actually me that thinks and believes that about myself? We need to identify what we are projecting or reflecting on to others.

• When I tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, I need to ask: am I respecting myself?
• When I say he thinks I am not a good parent, I need to ask: do I think I’m not a good parent?
• When I say that I don’t think people/friends like me, I need to ask: am I not liking myself?

We need to consider the basis of these projections, where they come from. Our negative thoughts are from a lack of self-esteem or self-worth, and are formed by insecurities within ourselves.

We need to build self-trust, self-respect and self-esteem to counter those thoughts. We need to value ourselves and care about ourselves in the form of self-love and self-care.

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

We need to become our own best friend and treat ourselves better. We need to call ourselves out when we find ourselves accusing somebody else of doing something we should be doing ourselves. And then we need to ask and answer those questions.

• Ask how do I respect myself? And answer it: I respect myself because I am strong and I see things through, and I am a loyal friend. Remind yourself of all your good qualities that earn respect.
• Ask how am I a good parent? And answer it: I cook, clean and care for my children. I am there for them when they need me with words of comfort and empathy. They are the top priority in my life, and I always put them first.
• Ask, what do I like about myself? And answer it: I am friendly and open. I put people at ease and easily chat to people. I am supportive and loyal in my friendships

Each time we do this, we break the negative patterns and thought processes. We build self-esteem by reminding ourselves of the good inside of us, and in what ways we are valuable and worthy, reaffirming and reassuring ourselves and building self-trust and self-respect. And by creating a more positive dialogue inside, we create a more positive dialogue outside with the people around us.

“Change how you talk to yourself will change how you think. Changing how you think will change how you react. Changing how you react will change your interactions. Changing your interaction will change the outcome.” - Miranda Kate

Trust issues: how to resolve them & be more you

Do you struggle trusting people? 

Are you never sure if they are going to support you?

Do you second guess the decisions you make?

“Trust is earned when actions meet words.”- Chris Butler

I’ve spent a lot of my life being unsure about the people around me. I want to trust them but I don’t know if I can. I pledge myself: my loyalty, my time, my care, my interest, but time and again I am let down, disappointed and hurt.

For me it started within my own family, first with my mother and then with my sister. Being family I automatically trusted them to love me, to care about me, be there for me and be supportive of me. And when their actions and their words said otherwise, I believed that it was my fault, that I was doing something wrong. So I’d remain open and trusting, leaving myself open to more abuse, allowing the cycle to repeat itself. 

I knew with my mother early on that it was her and not something I was doing, so I took steps to limit the contact I had with her once I left home, reducing the toxic effect on my mental and emotional health. I did, however, have moments where I thought it was safe to ‘let her in again’ only to find that I was mistaken. By the time I started my own family I had learnt to keep a tight control on how much I interacted with her, which continued until her death.

With my sister it took many more years to realise the extent to which my trust was being abused. My sister had been someone I could turn to about my mother, but I realised that although she showed me one face, she showed another to my family, telling them private things I had trusted her with, as well as claiming I had done things I hadn’t. When I refused to continue tolerating this, it created two large show downs over a span of five years, and resulted in a breakdown and physical stress-related injuries, which led to me choosing to disconnect for about 10 years, only my mothers illness & imminent death brought an end to it, but only when she unexpectedly acknowledged her behaviour & apologised. 

“The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.” - Unknown

Looking back, I realise that the abuse of my trust and the self-blame I put myself through had been going on since I was a young child. It affected my ability to form and create lasting relationships and friendships. It caused me to second guess everyone around me, breaking off perfectly good friendships and in some cases withdrawing entirely, especially from social interaction. 

I reached a point where I knew it had to change. I couldn’t continue to live in isolation, emotionally and physically. So I asked myself, how can I change this? How can I start trusting and being open again? 

I understood the reasons behind my problem, but I needed to heal from the trauma of it. I had taken the first step by removing the people who were toxic to me, but how did I risk exposing myself to other people who could be potentially toxic too?

I found the answer in the dictionary:

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something. 
Synonyms: confidence, faith, belief, sureness.

And the person I had to have confidence, faith, belief, and sureness in was myself. 

“Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.”- Benjamin Spook

I realised that trust is like seeking approval: you can seek it externally but only once you give it to yourself will you start to live the life you are looking for. 

If I started to trust myself and be sure of myself, then it didn’t matter what the people around me said or did, I knew I was there to support me and care about me. If they wanted to as well, great, but I no longer needed to worry about trusting them, because I could trust myself.

But how do you start going about doing that? 

It starts by listening to yourself: hearing how you feel about something, hearing what you believe about it, and being honest with yourself. 

“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves.” – Leon Brown

I don’t mean listening to the chatter of negative thoughts in your head, I mean listening to your heart. 

Be still with yourself a moment and ask: 

How do you feel about you?
What do you want to do with your life?
Who do you want to be?
Who do you really believe you are?
What are the things you love?
What are the things you hate? 

Listen to the answers.

All of us have an inner child:  a version of ourselves inside that still feels as we did when we were a child. Sometimes that child still feels sad or upset or disappointed by life and people. We need to nurture that child within, comfort them, and love them. Listen to their feelings, believe and trust them. Because that child is us. 

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” – Danielle LaPorte

I then understood that the inner peace and calm I was looking for came from connecting to my feelings: listening and believing them. Being honest with myself meant that I could trust myself to live my truth. I no longer second guessed myself and thus the people around me. I knew who I was. I no longer had a desire to alter myself to suit others: if they weren’t happy with who I was then they didn’t need to be in my life. 

And as an added bonus, as a result of trusting myself, I gained a sense of security within myself, of self-assurance and self-belief, and the feeling that I was OK, so everything around me was OK. 

Why don’t you try it? Surely no one is more deserving of your trust than you. 

"The more you trust your intuition, the more empowered you become, the stronger you become, and the happier you become." - Gisele Bundchen

How to be accepting & stop resisting what you don't like about your life

Do you get frustrated by the things you can’t change or control in your life?

Do you get angry when things don’t go the way you want?

Do you waste time and energy refusing to accept the ways things are?

 “Resistance is futile”- The Borg Collective - Star Trek: First Contact 😉

I am a not a Trekkie per se, but The Borg were correct. It will cause you more trouble than it’s worth to resist assimilation.

There are some things that you can’t change or control in life, but resisting them will cause you more pain in the long term and keep you stuck in a negative place for longer than necessary.

My best friend used to repeat to me on the phone, “Accept and allow, go with the flow of life.” It took me years to fully understand and embrace this concept. I could understand it in theory but it felt like an unachievable goal for me. I found everything difficult.

Even though I made decisions to do things – like moving to a foreign country and culture to be with my partner - I resisted them. Often it was because I didn’t really want to do them and I was doing them to please another, but I made it harder on myself by refusing to accept that it was a choice that I had made and not one that was forced upon me.

I was locked in the victim mindset.

In the instance of moving to a foreign country for love, this led me to reject what I found there: the friends, community, and the different culture. And rather than embrace the life on offer, I resisted it. I attempted a few things, but when they didn’t go the way I wanted or didn’t achieve the results I was looking for, I felt stuck and I fixated on feeling powerless.

I longed for the things I didn’t have and only focused on what was missing from my life. I became miserable, tense, stressed, frustrated and very angry. For me this manifested mentally in a breakdown in 2008, and physically in two slipped discs in my neck in 2014.

“Resisting what is happening is a major cause of suffering.” -  Pema Chodron 

But it was during the pain I experienced with the slipped disc in my neck (which trapped a nerve, putting my right shoulder and arm in excruciating pain for 8 weeks at a time – they slipped twice) that I learnt to surrender.

I learnt to accept that I couldn’t do anything. I let go of everything – all the expectations I had of myself and of others, all the things I thought I had to do, all the chores I did to try and feel that my life was worth living. I could do nothing, so I did nothing.

And what I found was that there were people to support me and my husband to pick up the slack. And when you aren’t able to lose your temper over something petty, you respond differently - quietly and calmly, and people respond differently.

Within the pain I found the calm I was seeking.

“You can't calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” - Timber Hawkeye

I had to surrender.

I don’t like to use the word surrender, because to me it means to give up – but I didn’t give up, I opened up.

I accepted that this was how things were going to be and to let go in that moment. I let others help me; I relinquished control; I stopped and observed the life around me.

In accepting that time (and fortunately recovering) I was able to understand that I needed to accept other aspects of my life too. I needed to look at what I did have in my life and appreciate it and embrace it. I started to take walks in nature and appreciate where I was living. I stopped thinking about my future and where my life was going, and started living in the present.

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu

When the noise in my mind would start up about where I wanted to live, what I wanted to be doing with my life, and how I felt like I was stagnating and not growing, I would just let the noise go.

I would hear it, register it, but know that I could only get to where I wanted to step by step, day by day. I took the end goal, the one thing I wanted to do the most, and broke it down into small steps - things I could achieve on a daily basis.

This enabled me to feel like I was moving forward. I would still have moments of frustration, but rather than fight that frustration I would allow myself to feel it – journal it out, or express it to a trusted friend, but then I would let it go.

“Resisting your negative feelings just keeps you stuck.” - Kute Blackson

When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me I thought too much about what I was doing to make the learning process easy. He said he could always tell when I started thinking about what I was doing because I would stall the car or crunch the gears. He said, “If you just let go and let your body do what you have trained it to do, it will be much easier. When you think about it, you interrupt the flow.”

By thinking about what I was doing I was letting my brain take over and panic about what I was doing. If I had accepted that I did know and allowed the training to flow through me, I wouldn’t have had a problem.

Often resistance is built up from having too many expectations. If we drop expectation of how something will be, and of ourselves in that situation, and not focus on a desired outcome, we can accept whatever happens organically.

We can release ourselves from the need to control. We become open to whatever happens. And accepting how our life is, in that moment, brings freedom and peace.

“It takes radical acceptance to bring inner peace.”- Kute Blackson

It can be a struggle to accept where you are in life if it is not what you want or where you saw yourself being. You can be consumed with trying to change it. But while you are spending time looking at all the things that aren’t working, you are closed to what IS working.

But how do you stop, if you are truly unhappy with your situation?

Have you ever thought about taking a holiday from your thinking?

If there is something you know you can’t do anything about right now, such as: move house, move job, create more time for yourself, go traveling, then set a date in the future  - a month, 6 months, a year from now, when you can review it again.

And every time you find yourself thinking about it, say, “No, I'm not going to think about that until *insert date*.”

I found this worked to stop me constantly thinking about how to change my situation. I knew I wouldn’t be able to for more than a year, so I set a date to review it the following year. And every time I thought about it, I stopped myself. I said, no, I’m not going to think about that now. I took a holiday from thinking about it. And the more often I stopped myself from thinking about it, the easier it became, until I was thinking about it less and less.

And what also happened, during that holiday, was say to myself, okay, I’m here for the next year, so how can I enjoy and embrace the life I have right now?

It changed the entire perspective I had on the life I was actually living. I was able to engage more with the people in my life and create a better day to day existence.

It broke the habit of the negative frustrated thoughts I was experiencing and allowed me to concentrate on the things that I could change in my life at that moment, and give myself room to work on the things that would help me move forward to the change I did want to see.

By accepting my life as it was I'd freed myself from being a victim in my life, which enabled me to find my personal power over the things I could do something about. It gave me freedom and peace of mind.

“Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” – Eckhart Tolle