'Being Authentic': What That Means & How To Be

Have you ever been told to ‘be authentic’?

Do you ever wonder what it means?

Have you only ever heard it used to refer to antiques?

Currently, one of the favourite terms used in the self-help and personal development community is ‘Be Authentic’. But what does that really mean?

In layman terms it means ‘be yourself’.

Yes, sounds simple, doesn’t it? And some people might even say, “But if you’re not yourself, then who are you?” That’s when it can get tricky.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

People who have no problems with self-esteem or confidence don’t find themselves worrying about what others might say or do in response to them. They are relaxed and secure about who they are, and don’t ever think about being anything other than themselves.

But there are plenty of people who live in fear of showing and sharing their true selves. They are often consumed with anxiety about how the outside world will treat them. Often this is a result of a difficult childhood, abuse of some kind, at home or at school, or an event in their lives that has given them reason to step back and be more cautious about what they show the world. They lack trust in people and in themselves, no longer being sure about how they will be received, or how they will respond if someone upsets them.

To be ourselves means to be honest about how we feel, both when we’re alone and when we’re around other people, without fear of disappointing someone, or being rejected - sometimes viciously, whether verbally or physically.

“Remind yourself you can not fail at being yourself.” – Wayne Dyer

For me personally, as a child, teenager and even into adulthood, I learnt that who I was, was not good enough. My mother told I was fat, talked too much, couldn’t keep a secret, and she wouldn’t believe anything I said about anything. My sister would tell me family members didn’t like me, that I was too, too open, and apparently had a temper.  Then classmate would tell me: “If you change the way you are, you might have more friends.” And even into my middle-age I have been told I am too intense and that my openness shocks people.

So overall I understood that people won’t like me if I be myself, that I should pretend to be someone else to please others – that I will not be approved of or accepted otherwise.

This meant that from an early age I learnt to suppress my feelings. I believed they weren’t as important as the feelings of those around me. And I started to believe that they couldn’t be trusted - that ‘I’ couldn’t be trusted, and that to keep the people in my life happy, I should give up who I was and who I wanted to be, and be who they expected me to be.

So over the years I built a ‘mask’, or ‘face’ to hide behind. Whenever opening the front door to leave my house I would ‘wear’ it. I would behave and respond as expected by everyone outside that door, whether strangers on the street, or friends at a social gathering.

And when I returned home I would go over all the interactions I had with people, and pick apart how I’d behaved, chastising myself if I thought I had spoken too much, out of turn, or been generally disliked, validating my need to maintain the mask.

“You can fake your smile but not your feelings.” - Anonymous

It took me a lot of time and effort to remove the layers of the mask, and rid myself of it – and some days I’m not sure I have. To do this I realised I needed to be honest with myself. I had to find out what ‘I’ really thought about me and my life and what I wanted in it.

I had to stop telling myself that what others wanted was more important than what I wanted. I had to be honest, first with myself and then with the people in my life, which meant I had to stop being be afraid of what I felt. I had to trust my feelings - but to do that I needed to let myself feel them first.

Rather than suppress, ignore or dismiss my feelings, I had to stop what I was doing and feel them – literally let them run the course of my body and overwhelm me, even if they were upsetting.

In that moment I would listen to what they were about, I would ‘hear’ them. It’s like listening to a voice inside, another part of yourself that has never been given a voice before and letting it say its piece. Then rather than dismissing what it says I would think about it, consider it and what I could do about it - sort of like comforting and reassuring it. I would believe it, and not second guess it or dismiss it. I would trust that it was how I felt about something. 

“She threw away all her masks and put on her soul.” - Francesca Silvanna

The by product of doing this was that I began to feel more secure. I became sure of what I felt, who I was, and who I wanted to be. I discovered my own inner security system. Looking for security externally no longer became relevant – or needed. I was secure in myself, my own feelings for the first time. I trusted myself and could be honest with myself.

This also meant I started to like myself, which in turn gave me confidence. The feelings of security inside meant that I didn’t need to seek security externally anymore - in people or in situations, events or places. I was able to remove the mask and not be scared to be me, because I was okay with who I was.

To summarise, the steps I took were:

·         Being Honest with myself

·         Feeling my feelings

·         Listening to my feelings

·         Believing and trusting my feelings

And the result brought inner security leading to external security.

Once we know that we are okay – inside – with who we are, we can be okay with people outside. We can relax and stop concerning ourselves with what they think about us, or how they might react to us - it no longer matters. We can finally be ourselves – be our authentic selves. 

“Security comes from trusting. Trust is, not knowing that everything WILL be alright, but knowing that everything already IS alright.” – Hillary Pike.

This is not an easy process, and it can be very scary at times as we have to face things that caused us a lot of pain. For me it became easier once I removed all the toxic people who kept alive toxic events and feelings from my past.

And when I started reducing my expectations, both of myself and of other the people around me, I was able to think more clearly. Once there were no obligations or expectations associated with my interactions with others, I could clarify whether they were things I enjoyed doing, which in turn made it easier for me to be honest. 

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.” - Brene Brown

(Dr.Phil has a series of articles on his site under Self Matters, about Defining Your Authentic Self, which I found helpful.)

How to Reduce your Expectations to Reduce Anxiety

Do you plan out every detail of how you want things to go?

Do you run scenarios in your head about what will happen?

Are you disappointed when it doesn’t work out as you envisaged?

“Not everything will go as you expect in your life. This is why you need to drop expectations, and go with the flow of life.” – Leon Brown

Expectations are when you believe something will happen a certain way, or envisage how something will go; when you anticipate a preconceived outcome.

Expectations can be a driving force behind negative thoughts and feelings.

There are different types of expectations: 

1.  Expectations of others; 
2. Their expectations of you;
3. Your expectations about events or situations and how they will turn out.

Some of these expectations are conscious: when you hope that something will go the way you want it, or assume it will. And some of them are unconscious: when you’ve already experienced something and thus anticipation what to expect.

Problems occur when these expectations start to take over and you become disappointed or frustrated when they aren’t fulfilled — or you don’t fulfil those of the people around you. 

This can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, resent, anxiety and may even result in disengaging with individual people, or social groups.

For example: 

When I moved to Holland to be with my partner I realised both my partner and his group of friends had expected me to find my own way there, whereas I had expected to be supported by my partner and his friends when I arrived. This conflict left me feeling rejected by them on a very personal level.

Although the further expectations from them was that I would turn up and join in anyway, so I had to put my feelings aside and go along with it to be accepted by them and my partner. Often though it meant I would just stand alone and not engage.

In this situation I had expectations of people, and they had expectations of me, and in the end, neither were met.

In the end it led to eventual disconnect in my relationship; I felt let down by my partner’s lack of support, and he felt let down by my unwillingness to join in. I felt misunderstood, and he didn’t understand, so a circle of resent and frustration grew.

“All the disconnected people I know are trying to be something they are not, and do something they cannot.”- David Gayson

On a smaller scale, this can happen when you expect a certain reaction from someone. You anticipate what they will say or that they’ll respond in a particular way. If you don’t get the response you’re looking for you can feel disappointed. And sometimes you react to that feeling and make a situation worse.

For example, my partner bought me concert tickets to see a singer I loved and expected me to be overjoyed about it. But as soon as I saw the tickets, I saw the seating location — 4th tier! I suffer vertigo so this was an immediate worry for me.

He had expected me to be elated, and because I wasn’t, he became disappointed, first responding with anger and then withdrawing. When I saw this I felt guilty and chided myself, feeling bad I hadn’t responded as he wanted. Thus the entire situation produced a negative circle of reactions.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” — Shakespeare. 

Having expectations can affect all areas of your life: from school to work, in relationships with friends and lover, and also as a parent and a child.

When I became a mother I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I put myself under enormous pressure to perform a certain way to fulfil my own expectations and those of society. I had expectations of what motherhood would be like, but none of them matched up to what I was experiencing. 

I struggled with the responsibility, which made me feel bad about myself, and question my ability as a mother. I felt like I was failing. It left me short tempered and frustrated, which made it difficult for my child to engage with me, and for me to engage with them. It led to feelings of inadequacy for both me and my child.

Fortunately I sought help, and realised I was living to some predefined set of ideals, which I could change. I let go of all the preconceived ideas I had about what type of mother I should be, and started to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. I started to relax with my child, and to reach out and connect — and it worked.

“When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.” — Mandy Hale

In all of these instances the common factor is that an outcome was expected.

I learnt the first step in changing this is recognising you are expecting an outcome.

The second step is train yourself into stop thinking ahead and planning out how something will go, or how someone will react (positive or negative). 

You need to remain open, and be okay with whatever might happen, without trying to foresee an outcome.

Once you have done that you can focus on the moment, the here and now, and not on something further down the line. If you show up with an open mind and no predefined idea about how something should go, then you are open to all and any eventuality — and in particular the opportunity enjoy it.

“Expectations are what you expect, not how things are.” — Eckhart Tolle

By reducing your expectations of everything and everyone around you, you can reduce the negative impact of those expectations and avoid feelings of disappointment, frustration, and also anxiety.

In relationships you can connect, rather than disconnect, giving everyone room to be who they are, and not what anyone thinks they should be.

The only response you can anticipate is our own. 

You control nothing and no one outside of yourself. 

You have a choice about how you react, and how you wish to show up in any given situation, so the best option is to relax and be yourself.

How to Avoid Being in 'Victim Mode'

Do you ever feel like you don't have a choice in the things you do?

When things don’t work out, do you feel like it's not your fault?

Do you ever feel like everything works against you?

Then you might be in 'victim mode'.

“By not accepting responsibility for our personal circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.”- Steve Maraboli 

‘Being in victim  mode’ meaning thinking in such a way that that you feel the world is against you, and that if things don’t work out it’s always due to someone or something else; external factors are responsible and you have no power to change them. It can also be when you feel choices are made for you, and you feel you have no say in your life, or elements of your life.

There are genuine times when things aren’t in our control and we are abused in some way and we are an honest victim, but this blog post doesn’t relate to that. I am talking about when we don’t recover from those events or moments, and we stay in them - even wallow in them, using them as an excuse not to move forward and do the things we want and need to do for ourselves.

We might attach a certain meaning to an event or situation that has traumatised us, and never allow ourselves to move on from it. Our view on the world then becomes tainted; we look at everything in our lives from this damaged perspective, validating our inability to move on by this event or situation, using it as a crutch or excuse.

“In challenging circumstances we can either choose to be a survivor or we can choose to be a victim. Considering that they both take the same amount of effort, the choice you make will determine your path forward.” – Mary Holloway

It can be tricky to recognise this mindset. It can creep up and display itself in many forms, such as procrastination, fear, negativity, anxiety and depression. It can vary in its degrees when it shows up and can completely shut a person down.

I have been living a long time in a foreign country. I struggled with settling here. I felt that the decision to come here wasn’t mine, and that I had no choice if I wanted to be with my partner. I told myself that I had to move countries and particularly settle in this small village if I wanted to be with them. And once here I felt I had no power to change anything in my life and fulfil my needs. I felt I was duty bound to attend social events and family functions. I felt it was expected of me to fulfil everyone else’s desires, to make them happy, and whenever I felt angry about it (which was often) I blamed them: I blamed them for my choices, my sacrifices (as I saw them), and my unhappiness.

It took me several years in therapy to realise that I DID have power in my life, that I did have choices, and that I was responsible for them. That I didn’t have to go to any of those events - that I could say no.

“By saying yes to when you need to say no, you cripple the most important relationship in your life: the relationship between you and you.” – Nea Joy

I realised that I had been the one who had talked myself into coming here; I had been the one telling myself that I would lose my partner if I didn’t; that their happiness was more important than mine; that if I kept on giving up everything I held dear, eventually I would be appreciated for it, and loved for it.

It coloured my view on the entire situation and place. I became chronically unhappy and unpleasant to be around, which in turn made me start to dislike myself. I would feel anger because I believed someone else had made me come here and put me through this. And then turn I would feel guilty about expressing that anger, and I would then turn that anger on myself. I built resent towards my partner, and self-loathing towards myself for putting myself in this situation - a vicious circle of negative feelings.

It was only when I started to be honest with myself about my feelings and about the choices I had made that I started to be able to change them. I started to think about what I wanted, and what I didn’t want. And I started to make defined choices and changes. I took my power back. I listened to how I felt – inside – and started to move forward by acknowledging and accepting how I felt.

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” - Dr.Phil

By acknowledging my part in ‘letting’ these things happen to me, going along with them even though I knew I didn’t want to, I reduced the feelings of anger and frustration. I was able to feel I had power to make choices and decisions again.

I still find myself in this mindset from time to time, particularly when I have let the negative internal dialogue get the better of me. But the steps I now take are:

• Hearing that dialogue and recognising it as destructive;
• Identifying what is creating it – am I doing something I don’t want to? What’s making me feel bad?
• Countering the dialogue with the truth of the situation;
• Reminding myself what I can do to help myself by going through the choices I have;
• Focusing on what I can do and take action.

Taking action is the key to imprinting a new thought process and showing yourself you are capable, and dispelling the negative voices that might say otherwise.

“The path to success is to take massive determined action.” - Tony Robbins

This applies to both large steps in your life, and small steps. It could be just calling someone, meeting up with them, or arranging to do something you want to do. Or it could be getting a job, or setting up a business. Whatever it is, if it confirms the power we have, it helps us feel that we are living and thriving, not just surviving.  

How to build your self-worth & self-esteem, and 'Being enough'

Do you think you are worth caring about

Do you think you are good enough?

Do you put your feelings last?

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”  - Buddha

Lack of self-worth and ‘being enough’ is a large subject, and one talked about a lot in self-help and personal development circles. And for me personally, it is one of the reasons I started my journey.

It is a topic that shows up in many different forms, and many different ways, and I will return to it in future blog posts. But I wanted to mention it early on, to look at the basics of it, and how it shows up, and how to start tackling it.

“It’s not what you are that is holding you back, but what you think you are not.” - Denis Waitley

Lack of self-worth or lack of self-esteem is about believing we are not worthy, or believing that what we do is not good enough. Many of these feelings are developed in our formative years, and reflect how we were nurtured as children by our parents. They also arise from situations we encountered and environments we were in during our formative years, school years, and even into our early adulthood: any traumatic event can trigger these feelings.

In regards to parenting, the questions that come up are: Were we a priority? Did we receive enough time and attention? And more importantly, was that time and attention positive or negative?

Some people are more sensitive than others, or more insecure, so it can be difficult to find a balance, but a happy, secure home and/or parent goes a long way to help a child achieve feelings of self-worth and that what they do is good enough. ‘Quality time’ spent with our children matters. It may be only 15 minutes a day, but if that time is positive, encouraging and loving, it can make a huge difference; it develops their ability to feel positive about themselves. Whereas, if it is spent correcting, berating, nit-picking, or simply ignoring the child, it can be destructive.

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” – William James

In regards to situations: Did we encounter abuse of any kind: verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual? Were we bullied at school, at home, by friends, parents, siblings, or strangers? Did we feel secure? Were we moved around a lot? Did we experience multiple homes, schools, or extreme living conditions, such as domestic violence, homelessness? 

All of these will affect how we feel about ourselves and how we show up in the world. It will affect how we react to those around us and to future situations we experience. We might not be able to change what has happened to us, but we can change how we choose to think about it, and the meaning we give it.

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise L. Hay

I experienced many of these situations, and feeling good enough is something I work at every day. I used to tell myself I don’t bring anything positive, that I am a burden and people don’t want me around, which is completely reflective of how I was treated as a child by the single parent I had and my siblings. I experienced domestic violence, homelessness, and plenty of verbal and emotional abuse, as well as bullying. I moved schools six times and moved house eighteen times before I turned eighteen. My experiences run the gamut of many of these situations both through my formative years and into late teenage. I repeated the patterns I developed from them into adulthood, resulting in me frequently changing homes, jobs, relationships and friendships.

It was only once I asked myself why my life wasn’t going the way I wanted that I took a closer look and started to see the patterns. I then sought to change and break them, but it's no mean feat: it meant changing the way I thought about myself, in particular how I talked to myself - and about myself to others too. And to do that I needed to change the perception I had about myself and the life around me.

“Perception is a mirror, not a fact. What you look on is your state of mind, reflected outwards.” – Colette Baron-Reid 

It’s not easy to change our thinking, sometimes it’s a daily fight, but we can start by countering the negative thoughts we have about ourselves not being good enough. We need to remind ourselves what we DO bring to the world (or situation, relationship, friendship). I consciously began reminding myself that I did have something of value to bring, that I am worthy of other people’s love and respect, and what I have to offer is unique.

Everyone has their own gifts, and when we feel overwhelmed by a situation, or an event that hasn’t gone the way we would have liked, or reminded us of a previous trauma, we need to focus on those gifts.

I recommend writing them down and reading them regularly. I followed Mastin Kipp’s advice - founder/owner of the Daily Love website - who said:

“Make a list of all the things you wish other people would see about you.

Then ask yourself – are you demonstrating these qualities towards yourself?

How would you act if you were demonstrating them?”

Writing that list and answering those questions is important, because then you have it to refer to whenever you are feeling bad about yourself. And it might surprise you when you see just how many qualities you have.

“Your worth is defined by how you feel about yourself, not how other people feel about you.”- Unknown.

Among the list of my qualities were such things as: loyalty, honesty, caring and trust. I knew I possessed them, but I rarely treated myself with honesty, loyalty or caring. I was often harsh with myself, believing I didn’t deserve any of them. But if I started being honest with myself, and listening to myself, standing by my feelings rather than belittling them or being ashamed of them, a whole new person arrived. And I also discovered that the last one, trust, was a key factor in building my self-esteem.

If we don’t trust ourselves, how can we believe in ourselves? We need to trust our feelings. By trusting them we can become sure of them, and when we become sure of them, we become sure of ourselves, bringing a sense of inner security. And if we are secure in ourselves, then the effects of the outside world diminishes.

“The more you believe in yourself, the more you can trust yourself. The more you trust yourself, the less you compare yourself to others.” - Roy T. Bennett

We trust ourselves by knowing our limits, keeping within the boundaries we are comfortable with and not compromising them for someone or something externally. Being true to what we want and what we feel in our hearts. Being fair to ourselves and reminding ourselves of all the good things we have done, and that what we have done is good enough.

So remember:

“Be kind to yourself! Forgive yourself! Encourage yourself! Believe in yourself! Appreciate yourself! Have faith in yourself! Listen to yourself! Be gentle with yourself! Stop talking so negatively to yourself! Love yourself!” – Mastin Kipp

How to be self-approved & stop seeking external approval

The term ‘Be Self-Approved’ is regularly quoted and heavily promoted by motivational and
inspirational life coaches, speakers and mentors.

When I first heard it I wondered how it was achievable, how was it possible to go around feeling that everything I did, thought and expressed was okay?

I knew it was a matter of building self-esteem, and that it was going to take more than simply reciting those three words.

And I discovered the first step towards that was to stop seeking external approval. But what did that mean?

It meant stop putting other people’s feeling before my own. It meant stop considering their perception of me as being more important than my own. And to stop trying to alter what I said and did in order to gain a positive response or action from them - just to get them more interested in me, and to ‘like’ me.

Yes, a tall order.

When we seek approval from others we give away our power. We make our happiness dependent on another, by making our feelings dependent on their response to us. If they like us, we like ourselves; if they are unhappy with something we have said or done, we are unhappy. We feel bad, and become submissive, changing our action or opinion to match theirs, to get them to respond to us positively.

If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you will resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.” -  Barbara DeAngelis

But in doing so we are chastising a part of ourselves, stifling who we are, or who we want to be, and often this builds anger and resent, which we either take out on the ones we love or turn on ourselves - or both.

We can become a victim and blame everyone else for our life not going the way we want it; be unhappy, give anyone who will listen our sob story and make excuses for why we can’t change it; or we can become angry and defensive, taking out our inability to be happy with ourselves and the choices we have made, on those around us.

I have been both of these, and they are both negative, often resulting in attracting people with a similar mindset, thus perpetuating the same thinking. And it also pushes away those people we do want to be like - or attract - who could help bring out the best in us.

"Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult." - Joyce Meyer

You see, when we start giving up parts of ourselves to gain someone’s approval we are no longer being honest with ourselves – or with them. We start to live a lie; we start to convince ourselves that what they want is what we want, and we suppress our own feelings. We stop listening to ourselves and then we become confused, especially when we aren’t happy with the end result. 

When I was like this people told me that I had choices, but I felt that wasn't true;  I felt the things in my life weren’t my personal choice, that I was doing them to please another. I had put myself in a position where I felt there were no choices - not if I wanted to be with that person or keep them wanting to be with me. I had given away my personal power to maintain a lie, because I thought that person was more important than me, or that person's happiness was more important than my own. But at the end of the day it was me that was losing out.

When we are not happy with ourselves, we can't make another person happy. The more unhappy we are, the more difficult it is for them to be around us. In the end we are pushing them away, rather than drawing them towards us, and this will only make us more unhappy. We have to make ourselves happy first.

"Love yourself first, because that's who you'll be spending the rest of your life with."- Unknown

We also need to ask ourselves who we are seeking approval from; why have we made those people more important than ourselves? What is it that they have that we think we need? Is it something we feel we are lacking within ourselves? What are we really seeking from them? And why can't we find it within ourselves?

In the answers to those questions we will begin to unravel what we are seeking, and how we can go about finding it within ourselves, rather than looking externally. Sometimes we might discover we already possess it, and just need to nurture it and give it room to grow.

"Nurturing yourself is not selfish - it's essential to your survival and your well-being." - Renee Trudeau

It's only by realising our own self-worth, and our own value that can we stop looking externally for approval and find inner happiness. As previously mentioned in How to Stop Negative Internal Dialogue, we need to think about what we DO have to offer and what kind of person we DO want to be, and the life we want to lead. We can start this is by listening to ourselves, hearing our own needs and desires, and then making a list of all our positive traits, or those we want to possess, and focus on them, and how to go about achieving them.

“If you want to improve your love life, improve how you love yourself. The love you have for yourself is, in a way, the only love you have in your life because all the other love is a mirror of it. If you don’t love yourself enough, you’ll find ways not to find love. Be kind to yourself! Forgive yourself! Encourage yourself! Appreciate yourself, Have faith in yourself! Listen to yourself! Be gentle with yourself! Stop talking so negatively to yourself! Love yourself!” – The Daily Love, Mastin Kipp