Believing in Yourself: What It Can Do For You

Do you hear people say ‘believe in yourself’ and find it cliché?

Have you ever asked yourself if you do believe in yourself?

What was your response?

The saying ‘believe in yourself’ is a typical positive motivation saying, meant to encourage and give an individual new resolve and confidence to step forward and reach for their dreams. 

It trips off the tongue easily, and sounds simple and succinct, but is it? 

For those of us who are often filled with self-doubt, it is not.

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” - Honore de Balzac

It can be a struggle to believe we are capable, or that we will succeed. We doubt whether we can trust ourselves, or depend on ourselves to bring what is needed. We ask ourselves, if no one else has faith in us, why should we? And we fill our minds with evidence to support this by reminding ourselves of the myriad of times we have failed – overwhelming ourselves with those thoughts until we decide we are not worth taking the risk on, telling ourselves we are not dependable, we can’t be relied upon and are not worthy of support.

It sounds strange when you read like that, doesn’t it? It sounds like we are against ourselves - but by not believing in ourselves, in effect we are! 

We are the ones telling ourselves all of these negative things. We are the ones stopping ourselves, before we have even started. If someone else told us we were not reliable, dependable, or worth it, we would be upset, wouldn’t we? So why are we telling ourselves that? Why are we hurting ourselves?
So how do we do start and stay believing in ourselves, what’s the trick? 

“Believing in others is easy. It’s believing in yourself that’s the real challenge.”- Giuseppe Bianco

Putting this blog post together has taken me longer than I expected, because when I asked myself what actions or advice I would give to maintain self-belief, I realised that I am still working on it myself - daily.

I suffer from self-doubt regularly, which arises from my own internal dialogue. Often I am working against myself in the chatter inside my head, so that is where we need to begin.
 
“What you tell yourself everyday will either lift you up or tear you down” – Heather K Jones

We need to focus on changing our internal dialogue, and become conscious of what we are saying to ourselves. And sometimes, even more than just the dialogue, we need to change the perception we have of ourselves. We need to look at exactly what the facts are about what we bring to the world, and what unique gifts we have, and change how we view ourselves.

“Confidence is something you create within yourself by believing who you are.” - Simone Biles. 

I looked at my life and saw what I did bring; what I achieved on a day to day basis: caring for my family (children, husband, and house), interaction with friends. I would see I was caring, loving, respectful, loyal and trustworthy. I allowed myself to be positive about who I was and who I wanted to be. I liked myself. I decided I was worth it. I looked at the truth of the things I was saying to myself, and found them to be false. 

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

Often the things I was thinking about myself came from someone else’s perception of me. I would then ask myself whether they were true or not, and what I actually thought about myself.

When we start changing our dialogue and our view of ourselves, we can start to see how much we have to give - not just to others, but to ourselves. We can relax in who we are and feel comfortable. We can be self-assured. We no longer have to look externally to be validated; we can validate ourselves, and build our own inner security. 

“You are what you believe yourself to be.” Paul Coelho

Pushing through Fear: How to Deal with Uncertainty

Do you find yourself procrastinating about doing things?

Are you scared to put yourself out there?

Are you scared about the future?

Fear is a concept that everyone understands, and covers a wide variety of situations across many topics. But what is fear and how do we deal with fear?

On its own it is less an emotion and more of a reaction to a perceived threat, which results in emotions like anxiety, panic and even anger.

It often has a physical reaction associated with it, such as shaking, sweating, even throwing up, which is better known as the ‘Fight or Flight’ response.

Fear can paralyse you physically, mentally and emotionally, and on occasion shut you down entirely.

“Don’t let your fear of what could happen make nothing happen.” - Doe Zantamata
 
Many fears that affect our day to day lives are based on ‘what if’ scenarios we run in our heads. We’re scared of what we did before, we’re scared of what we might do in the future, and we’re scared of what we are doing today. It can put up many barriers in how we function, and stop us reaching for the things we want in our life.

When trying to change our lives and ourselves some of the fears we may encounter are: 

• Fear of facing past hurt
• Fear of repeating past behaviours/events
• Fear of change
• Fear of the unknown
• Uncertainty

In some respects they all feed into each other - fear of change is also a fear of the unknown, or something that is not familiar to us, and we become uncertain.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

There are ways to combat these fears.

When dealing with the fear of facing things from the past that have hurt, I try and rationalise them. I ask myself, what will happen if I think about this or talk about this? The answer is that I’ll feel that pain again, or experience those feelings again. 

But I remind myself that the event is past, I am not experiencing it again; it is only the memory of the event. And how much meaning I have given that memory will result in how it affects me in the present moment.

Often letting something out will release its power. If I say it out loud it can be like hearing it for the first time, or from a different viewpoint. Or if I write it down, it’s like reading it for the first time and seeing it in black and white. It reveals another truth.

Many times there are other factors in the event that you haven’t seen before, but are revealed through this process. You can then look at the entire event differently and change the meaning of it. You can update the thoughts and emotions you have about it (as described in my previous post Backtracking Thoughts and Emotions). 

By doing this you reduce and change the emotional response you have to it when you think about it.

When those past hurts are trapped in your head, they keep going round and round, and you end up persecuting yourself. Once you let them out, whether spoken or written  - or both -  you stop that and form a new way of dealing with them, allowing you to move forward, and not be immobilised by them anymore.

“What you fear will not go away by constantly thinking about it. It will go away when you see it for what it is.” - Anon

When dealing with fear about change or the unknown, I inform myself. I find out as much as I can by either talking to others who have experienced what I’m going through, or reading about those who have, in books or on the internet. 

In many cases I feel reassured by finding others that others have gone through similar experiences and changes and come out the other side successfully. It enables me to see that it’s possible and it gives me the confidence to step forward out of my own comfort zone and take the risk too.

A comfort zone is an area you create and live in that is comfortable, where you don’t have to take any risks that might make you have to confront your fears or experience your emotions. A comfort zone is full of everything that is familiar and patterns of behaviour you can be sure of  -  whether good or bad. If you stay in that comfort zone you don’t have to challenge yourself, open up, or make any changes. But it also means you won’t more forward from the place you are at, either physically or mentally.

“If you don’t get uncomfortable leaving your comfort zone, then you haven’t really left it.” - Tim Brownson

In some ways staying in the comfort zone is more risky than trying to push through your fears, because within that zone you’re more likely to repeat past negative behaviours and recreate situations you don’t want, rather than bring about what you do want.

It is only by opening yourself up and facing your fears, and pushing through them that you can move forward and make progress.

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” - Jim Morrison

When dealing with uncertainty about whether to take a step toward or not I tend to use the ‘worst case scenario’ tactic. I ask myself, realistically what is the worst thing that can happen if I do this? I would start with the very extreme negative outcome and work my way back to a more rational realistic outcome.

For example, if I express myself to that person, what is the worst thing they will do? Hit me? Scream at me? And how likely is that?

Often it is not likely, so then I can work back to what would be, and realise that what I thought was so terrifying wasn’t anymore.

This can be a handy tactic with anxiety or angst about many things, physical or emotional.

But your ability to overcome your fears is not just about how you deal with them, it is also about how much you want to overcome them, and that desire comes down to whether you believe in yourself or not.

“Self-esteem and self-love are the opposites of fear; the more you like yourself, the less you fear anything.” — Brian Tracy

'Being Authentic': What That Means & How To Be

Have you ever been told to ‘be authentic’?

Do you ever wonder what it means?

Have you only ever heard it used to refer to antiques?

Currently, one of the favourite terms used in the self-help and personal development community is ‘Be Authentic’. But what does that really mean?

In layman terms it means ‘be yourself’.

Yes, sounds simple, doesn’t it? And some people might even say, “But if you’re not yourself, then who are you?” That’s when it can get tricky.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

People who have no problems with self-esteem or confidence don’t find themselves worrying about what others might say or do in response to them. They are relaxed and secure about who they are, and don’t ever think about being anything other than themselves.

But there are plenty of people who live in fear of showing and sharing their true selves. They are often consumed with anxiety about how the outside world will treat them. Often this is a result of a difficult childhood, abuse of some kind, at home or at school, or an event in their lives that has given them reason to step back and be more cautious about what they show the world. They lack trust in people and in themselves, no longer being sure about how they will be received, or how they will respond if someone upsets them.

To be ourselves means to be honest about how we feel, both when we’re alone and when we’re around other people, without fear of disappointing someone, or being rejected - sometimes viciously, whether verbally or physically.

“Remind yourself you can not fail at being yourself.” – Wayne Dyer

For me personally, as a child, teenager and even into adulthood, I learnt that who I was, was not good enough. My mother told I was fat, talked too much, couldn’t keep a secret, and she wouldn’t believe anything I said about anything. My sister would tell me family members didn’t like me, that I was too, too open, and apparently had a temper.  Then classmate would tell me: “If you change the way you are, you might have more friends.” And even into my middle-age I have been told I am too intense and that my openness shocks people.

So overall I understood that people won’t like me if I be myself, that I should pretend to be someone else to please others – that I will not be approved of or accepted otherwise.

This meant that from an early age I learnt to suppress my feelings. I believed they weren’t as important as the feelings of those around me. And I started to believe that they couldn’t be trusted - that ‘I’ couldn’t be trusted, and that to keep the people in my life happy, I should give up who I was and who I wanted to be, and be who they expected me to be.

So over the years I built a ‘mask’, or ‘face’ to hide behind. Whenever opening the front door to leave my house I would ‘wear’ it. I would behave and respond as expected by everyone outside that door, whether strangers on the street, or friends at a social gathering.

And when I returned home I would go over all the interactions I had with people, and pick apart how I’d behaved, chastising myself if I thought I had spoken too much, out of turn, or been generally disliked, validating my need to maintain the mask.

“You can fake your smile but not your feelings.” - Anonymous

It took me a lot of time and effort to remove the layers of the mask, and rid myself of it – and some days I’m not sure I have. To do this I realised I needed to be honest with myself. I had to find out what ‘I’ really thought about me and my life and what I wanted in it.

I had to stop telling myself that what others wanted was more important than what I wanted. I had to be honest, first with myself and then with the people in my life, which meant I had to stop being be afraid of what I felt. I had to trust my feelings - but to do that I needed to let myself feel them first.

Rather than suppress, ignore or dismiss my feelings, I had to stop what I was doing and feel them – literally let them run the course of my body and overwhelm me, even if they were upsetting.

In that moment I would listen to what they were about, I would ‘hear’ them. It’s like listening to a voice inside, another part of yourself that has never been given a voice before and letting it say its piece. Then rather than dismissing what it says I would think about it, consider it and what I could do about it - sort of like comforting and reassuring it. I would believe it, and not second guess it or dismiss it. I would trust that it was how I felt about something. 

“She threw away all her masks and put on her soul.” - Francesca Silvanna

The by product of doing this was that I began to feel more secure. I became sure of what I felt, who I was, and who I wanted to be. I discovered my own inner security system. Looking for security externally no longer became relevant – or needed. I was secure in myself, my own feelings for the first time. I trusted myself and could be honest with myself.

This also meant I started to like myself, which in turn gave me confidence. The feelings of security inside meant that I didn’t need to seek security externally anymore - in people or in situations, events or places. I was able to remove the mask and not be scared to be me, because I was okay with who I was.

To summarise, the steps I took were:

·         Being Honest with myself

·         Feeling my feelings

·         Listening to my feelings

·         Believing and trusting my feelings

And the result brought inner security leading to external security.

Once we know that we are okay – inside – with who we are, we can be okay with people outside. We can relax and stop concerning ourselves with what they think about us, or how they might react to us - it no longer matters. We can finally be ourselves – be our authentic selves. 

“Security comes from trusting. Trust is, not knowing that everything WILL be alright, but knowing that everything already IS alright.” – Hillary Pike.

This is not an easy process, and it can be very scary at times as we have to face things that caused us a lot of pain. For me it became easier once I removed all the toxic people who kept alive toxic events and feelings from my past.

And when I started reducing my expectations, both of myself and of other the people around me, I was able to think more clearly. Once there were no obligations or expectations associated with my interactions with others, I could clarify whether they were things I enjoyed doing, which in turn made it easier for me to be honest. 

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.” - Brene Brown

(Dr.Phil has a series of articles on his site under Self Matters, about Defining Your Authentic Self, which I found helpful.)

How to Reduce your Expectations to Reduce Anxiety

Do you plan out every detail of how you want things to go?

Do you run scenarios in your head about what will happen?

Are you disappointed when it doesn’t work out as you envisaged?

“Not everything will go as you expect in your life. This is why you need to drop expectations, and go with the flow of life.” – Leon Brown

Expectations are when you believe something will happen a certain way, or envisage how something will go; when you anticipate a preconceived outcome.

Expectations can be a driving force behind negative thoughts and feelings.

There are different types of expectations: 

1.  Expectations of others; 
2. Their expectations of you;
3. Your expectations about events or situations and how they will turn out.

Some of these expectations are conscious: when you hope that something will go the way you want it, or assume it will. And some of them are unconscious: when you’ve already experienced something and thus anticipation what to expect.

Problems occur when these expectations start to take over and you become disappointed or frustrated when they aren’t fulfilled — or you don’t fulfil those of the people around you. 

This can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, resent, anxiety and may even result in disengaging with individual people, or social groups.

For example: 

When I moved to Holland to be with my partner I realised both my partner and his group of friends had expected me to find my own way there, whereas I had expected to be supported by my partner and his friends when I arrived. This conflict left me feeling rejected by them on a very personal level.

Although the further expectations from them was that I would turn up and join in anyway, so I had to put my feelings aside and go along with it to be accepted by them and my partner. Often though it meant I would just stand alone and not engage.

In this situation I had expectations of people, and they had expectations of me, and in the end, neither were met.

In the end it led to eventual disconnect in my relationship; I felt let down by my partner’s lack of support, and he felt let down by my unwillingness to join in. I felt misunderstood, and he didn’t understand, so a circle of resent and frustration grew.

“All the disconnected people I know are trying to be something they are not, and do something they cannot.”- David Gayson

On a smaller scale, this can happen when you expect a certain reaction from someone. You anticipate what they will say or that they’ll respond in a particular way. If you don’t get the response you’re looking for you can feel disappointed. And sometimes you react to that feeling and make a situation worse.

For example, my partner bought me concert tickets to see a singer I loved and expected me to be overjoyed about it. But as soon as I saw the tickets, I saw the seating location — 4th tier! I suffer vertigo so this was an immediate worry for me.

He had expected me to be elated, and because I wasn’t, he became disappointed, first responding with anger and then withdrawing. When I saw this I felt guilty and chided myself, feeling bad I hadn’t responded as he wanted. Thus the entire situation produced a negative circle of reactions.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” — Shakespeare. 

Having expectations can affect all areas of your life: from school to work, in relationships with friends and lover, and also as a parent and a child.

When I became a mother I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I put myself under enormous pressure to perform a certain way to fulfil my own expectations and those of society. I had expectations of what motherhood would be like, but none of them matched up to what I was experiencing. 

I struggled with the responsibility, which made me feel bad about myself, and question my ability as a mother. I felt like I was failing. It left me short tempered and frustrated, which made it difficult for my child to engage with me, and for me to engage with them. It led to feelings of inadequacy for both me and my child.

Fortunately I sought help, and realised I was living to some predefined set of ideals, which I could change. I let go of all the preconceived ideas I had about what type of mother I should be, and started to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. I started to relax with my child, and to reach out and connect — and it worked.

“When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.” — Mandy Hale

In all of these instances the common factor is that an outcome was expected.

I learnt the first step in changing this is recognising you are expecting an outcome.

The second step is train yourself into stop thinking ahead and planning out how something will go, or how someone will react (positive or negative). 

You need to remain open, and be okay with whatever might happen, without trying to foresee an outcome.

Once you have done that you can focus on the moment, the here and now, and not on something further down the line. If you show up with an open mind and no predefined idea about how something should go, then you are open to all and any eventuality — and in particular the opportunity enjoy it.

“Expectations are what you expect, not how things are.” — Eckhart Tolle

By reducing your expectations of everything and everyone around you, you can reduce the negative impact of those expectations and avoid feelings of disappointment, frustration, and also anxiety.

In relationships you can connect, rather than disconnect, giving everyone room to be who they are, and not what anyone thinks they should be.

The only response you can anticipate is our own. 

You control nothing and no one outside of yourself. 

You have a choice about how you react, and how you wish to show up in any given situation, so the best option is to relax and be yourself.

How to Avoid Being in 'Victim Mode'

Do you ever feel like you don't have a choice in the things you do?

When things don’t work out, do you feel like it's not your fault?

Do you ever feel like everything works against you?

Then you might be in 'victim mode'.

“By not accepting responsibility for our personal circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.”- Steve Maraboli 

‘Being in victim  mode’ meaning thinking in such a way that that you feel the world is against you, and that if things don’t work out it’s always due to someone or something else; external factors are responsible and you have no power to change them. It can also be when you feel choices are made for you, and you feel you have no say in your life, or elements of your life.

There are genuine times when things aren’t in our control and we are abused in some way and we are an honest victim, but this blog post doesn’t relate to that. I am talking about when we don’t recover from those events or moments, and we stay in them - even wallow in them, using them as an excuse not to move forward and do the things we want and need to do for ourselves.

We might attach a certain meaning to an event or situation that has traumatised us, and never allow ourselves to move on from it. Our view on the world then becomes tainted; we look at everything in our lives from this damaged perspective, validating our inability to move on by this event or situation, using it as a crutch or excuse.

“In challenging circumstances we can either choose to be a survivor or we can choose to be a victim. Considering that they both take the same amount of effort, the choice you make will determine your path forward.” – Mary Holloway

It can be tricky to recognise this mindset. It can creep up and display itself in many forms, such as procrastination, fear, negativity, anxiety and depression. It can vary in its degrees when it shows up and can completely shut a person down.

I have been living a long time in a foreign country. I struggled with settling here. I felt that the decision to come here wasn’t mine, and that I had no choice if I wanted to be with my partner. I told myself that I had to move countries and particularly settle in this small village if I wanted to be with them. And once here I felt I had no power to change anything in my life and fulfil my needs. I felt I was duty bound to attend social events and family functions. I felt it was expected of me to fulfil everyone else’s desires, to make them happy, and whenever I felt angry about it (which was often) I blamed them: I blamed them for my choices, my sacrifices (as I saw them), and my unhappiness.

It took me several years in therapy to realise that I DID have power in my life, that I did have choices, and that I was responsible for them. That I didn’t have to go to any of those events - that I could say no.

“By saying yes to when you need to say no, you cripple the most important relationship in your life: the relationship between you and you.” – Nea Joy

I realised that I had been the one who had talked myself into coming here; I had been the one telling myself that I would lose my partner if I didn’t; that their happiness was more important than mine; that if I kept on giving up everything I held dear, eventually I would be appreciated for it, and loved for it.

It coloured my view on the entire situation and place. I became chronically unhappy and unpleasant to be around, which in turn made me start to dislike myself. I would feel anger because I believed someone else had made me come here and put me through this. And then turn I would feel guilty about expressing that anger, and I would then turn that anger on myself. I built resent towards my partner, and self-loathing towards myself for putting myself in this situation - a vicious circle of negative feelings.

It was only when I started to be honest with myself about my feelings and about the choices I had made that I started to be able to change them. I started to think about what I wanted, and what I didn’t want. And I started to make defined choices and changes. I took my power back. I listened to how I felt – inside – and started to move forward by acknowledging and accepting how I felt.

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” - Dr.Phil

By acknowledging my part in ‘letting’ these things happen to me, going along with them even though I knew I didn’t want to, I reduced the feelings of anger and frustration. I was able to feel I had power to make choices and decisions again.

I still find myself in this mindset from time to time, particularly when I have let the negative internal dialogue get the better of me. But the steps I now take are:

• Hearing that dialogue and recognising it as destructive;
• Identifying what is creating it – am I doing something I don’t want to? What’s making me feel bad?
• Countering the dialogue with the truth of the situation;
• Reminding myself what I can do to help myself by going through the choices I have;
• Focusing on what I can do and take action.

Taking action is the key to imprinting a new thought process and showing yourself you are capable, and dispelling the negative voices that might say otherwise.

“The path to success is to take massive determined action.” - Tony Robbins

This applies to both large steps in your life, and small steps. It could be just calling someone, meeting up with them, or arranging to do something you want to do. Or it could be getting a job, or setting up a business. Whatever it is, if it confirms the power we have, it helps us feel that we are living and thriving, not just surviving.