Mirroring & Modelling: how to change it to create a better life

Did you grow up happy? 

Did you have happy parents and a sense of love at home and connection and community around you?

Do you find it easy to create the same in your own life?

We model behaviour based off what we learn as children. We mirror what we see as we grow up and subconsciously copy it. Depending on what we experience, depends on how it will affect our lives.

“Children are great imitators, so give them someone great to imitate”. – Joy D Jones

I grew up with a sense of fear and dread. I didn’t feel connected to anyone, that I was safe, or that I belonged. My mother was negative about everything in her life: herself, her children, everything around her. She had been raised with the same negative toxicity and she created more by repeating that example.

I struggled once out on my own to stop myself doing the same, but it has taken many years. It had become so engrained and was all I had known all my life. I remember one defining moment, when a friend said to me ‘the only person you think is neurotic is yourself’.

From that point on I began to hear the negative self talk inside my head, which I reflected out into and onto my world, and began a long journey to break that pattern of thinking and create a new one, so I could create a better life for myself.

“Never use others as a mirror to judge yourself by, their view may be distorted”. - Unknown

The people we attract into our lives mirror ourselves, which in turn mirrors the people we are raised by, because we subconsciously copy the behaviour, reactions and actions of our parents. We repeat what was modelled for us and seek out people, subconsciously, that respond to us in the same way our parents did.

I started to find that my long-term relationships felt empty; I felt disconnected and unfulfilled. I didn’t feel that they were interested in me, or even liked me. I became angry, feeling hurt and disrespected. I didn’t think my partner cared. I didn’t feel listened to, emotionally supported, and I believed my partners were emotionally unavailable to me. This is how I felt as a child, in response to how my mother treated me.

Then I understood two things:

1. I was empty, disconnected and emotionally unavailable myself – both to my own feelings and to those of my partner;
2. My partners were mirroring my behaviour and responding to me the same way my mother did.

Not only did I mirror my mother’s behaviour in my own negative talk (both internally and externally), I was disconnected and had become emotionally unavailable to my partners and unresponsive. This was exactly how she had treated me when I was a child. And I demanded support from my partners, while at the same time rejecting it – just as she had done.

“Life, like a mirror, never gives back more than we put into it.” – Unknown.

And when I looked back on my relationships and my marriage, I realised that all the men I had sought and attracted had been emotionally unavailable. They treated me as I treated myself: they didn’t listen to me, weren’t interested in anything I had to say, and often ignored me, and especially my feelings - just like my parent had done.

Fundamentally I was trying to get my partners to fulfil something that was missing within me. I realised I was still seeking attention and approval I didn’t receive as a child. I wanted to be heard, and noticed and cherished. And I learned that to resolve this I needed to start giving it to myself.

When I started giving myself time and attention – listening to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, focusing positive energy on myself – I started to find what I needed. Self-approval worked to satisfy my needs.

And then once I stopped demanding all that time and attention from those externally, it gave them room to be who they were, and step forward and connect with me in an honest and authentic way, rather than being forced.

This really hit home for me when I became a parent, when I heard myself use the words my mother used, the behaviours she displayed and the actions she took. So many were unconscious, the most profound being that I had always felt like a burden and like a problem my mother wanted to be rid of. I became aware that I was beginning to treat my children the same: The more difficult I found them, the more of a burden they became.

But once I changed my perspective and dialogue with them, seeing them as people to be loved and cherished and that I wanted to connect with, they changed along with me, and everyone began to feel more secure and stable. And I managed to displace the sense of fear and dread I had started to mirror and model from my own childhood. I wanted to feel connected to them with a sense of warmth and love; to have a bond and a sense of belonging, and I managed to begin to create that and it felt a whole lot better.

“By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life.” – Eric Allenbaugh

So when you find yourself modelling or mirroring behaviour that isn’t working for you, think about how you can change it.

The first step is becoming conscious of it.

The next is how you can change it: internally by changing your thoughts and perspective to what you DO want to feel and see, and externally in the ways you act and react. 

Attracting those that are the same – people that mirror us – means those people are often missing something too. This can cause difficulties, especially when we change. We either grow together or we grow apart. But either way you have to be honest with yourself if you really want to live an emotionally fulfilled life.

Book Review: Mindset by Carol Dweck

Mindset: Changing the way you think to fulfil your potential by Carol S. Dweck
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was not what I expected as the word Mindset can be used in a much broader sense and cover a lot more. This book covers specifically Fixed versus Growth Mindset.

The concept to me is not new, as really to overcome life's challenges and obstacles a growth mindset is the only way to gain ground. Being open and understanding that you can grow and that it requires effort on your part is one aspect, as well as understanding that your ability is not limited and you can develop it in any area you set your mind to. Sadly many people take issue with this concept as they relate it immediately to their lives and the material/financial aspects. To me this book relates only to how you chose to view any task your undertake, from minor to major or the broader spectrum of how you approach your life. I believe changing how you think and perceive things can alter your outcome considerably. I do believe we are limitless in our capacity and it is the very essence of 'belief' that plays a part in it - meaning that you what you believe you are capable of, is what you will achieve.

This book goes in depth in many areas to explain the concept of fixed versus growth mindset. I see this book as a tool for parents, teachers and anyone managing or training people. It provides example after example to enable the reader to absorb what the author is trying to say. It can be repetitive in parts, but the author herself seems new to the concept and learning as she writes about it. Even though she has done research into it for a decade or more, she seems surprised and excited by finding that in situation after situation the growth over fixed mindset can be applied and seen in the outcome.

Personally the very basis of success or failure in life in any area is down to your mindset, but I don't confine it to just fixed or growth. Fixed, the word, means inflexible and ridge; without flexibility and being able to adapt to the ups and downs of life can result in a greater struggle.

For me this book is a reference book, easy to pick up and find an example to remind you of what you can do to help yourself, or your child or a person you feel is struggling.

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Book Review: Having the Relationship You Want, by Rori Raye

Have The Relationship You Want by Rori Raye
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was a repeat read of this book. I found it helpful the first time around when it highlighted certain things I needed to work on, and now with a second read it has highlighted other things I need to work on.

It's a book about how to breathe new life into your relationship. It focuses on intimate relationships with a partner or spouse. It sets out ground rules, and discusses how to be in a relationship, talking about masculine and feminine energies without being gender specific, and how they work and relate to each other. It talks about how to improve how you communicate (in a non-blaming way) and how to listen better. It contains exercises and questions for the reader to use and journal about.

I particularly liked the learning how to listen section and also the overfunctioning section, which really shows me where I need to change things - I take on too much and grow resent towards my partner.

It is simple and short enough to take on the ideas easily. I would say it is focused more to women in a heterosexual relationship than men, but it can be adapted to suit either. Rori Raye writes in a clear and concise way, putting her ideas and instructions across in succinct way without over-explaining or being too wordy. I would definitely recommend it if you want new clarity in your relationship.

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You can find Rori Raye's website here. 

Projecting & Reflecting: What it is & how to stop doing it.

What is Projecting and Reflecting?

Do you accuse others of things you are guilty of yourself?

Do you point out in others things you are doing yourself? 

This is part one of two posts about patterns of behaviour, and how we get stuck in repeating negative destructive patterns, and how we can overcome them once we recognise and understand them.

In a previous blog post about Perception and Perspective, I talk about how we interpret what we experience, and how that interpretation colours our point of view and ongoing experience. Our perception of the world is based on what we think, and our perspective is affected by our experience. We process everything – from how we feel, how we think, to how we experience it – in this way. And our expectation of everything around us is based off this same perception and perspective.

Projecting and reflecting works the same way. We project and reflect our feelings onto someone or something based on how we are feeling at that moment, or how we have previously experienced something.

The most common example of projecting and reflecting our feelings is when we do it with animals. We’ll look at an animal and imagine how they are feeling based on how we are feeling. We imagine what we think we would feel if we were them. And if we are not feeling good about ourselves this won’t be positive – the animal is sad, the animal is not having a good time. (I am not talking about an instance where this is actually true like an abused animal, I mean a pet that is just sitting there minding its own business and we are observing it.)

We do the same with people: we look at someone and we read their expression, behaviour or body language based on how we’re feeling at the time.

If our perception or perspective of our external world is coloured by our internal thoughts and feelings, it will affect how we react to those around us. When we project or reflect our negative feelings it is often based in insecurity about ourselves, and it works against us.

 “Projecting your anger or emotions on another crosses universal law and ensures a returned karma.” – Ariaa Jaeger

For example: if I’m angry with myself about something, I might accuse someone else of being angry with me. I am projecting/reflecting my emotion onto someone externally.

I have heard myself tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, but when I stopped and thought about it I realised that it wasn’t him who wasn’t respecting me, it was me! I was reflecting my own lack of self-respect onto him and blaming him for it.

I have also found myself saying to my husband, ‘you don’t think I’m a good parent’, when actually it is me that thinks I’m not a good parent – or fear that I am not a good parent and that everyone thinks that too.

Projecting/reflecting our fears or negative beliefs about ourselves onto others is quite common, and often the basis for a lot of negative patterns of behaviour and self-destructive actions. We can sabotage friends and relationships this way.

For example: if I am in a social situation that I am not comfortable in, or where I don’t feel I belong, I might say to myself, ‘these people don’t like me’, but in fact I am the one who thinks they don’t like me because I don’t feel comfortable. I am projecting my negative thoughts about myself onto the situation because I am fearful.

This same behaviour can show up in our expectations, in particular when we expect people to behave or react how we would. It can be a shock when they don’t. And we then blame those people for not doing or saying the things we would. It can create rifts and breakdowns in friendships and relationships, causing disconnection, separation or withdrawal. 

“Relationships fail when people take their own insecurities and project them as their partners' flaws.” - Steve Maraboli

The key to stopping and changing these negative patterns of behaviour can be difficult. It isn’t something that we can do overnight, but the first step is to become conscious that we are doing it.

When we catch ourselves saying that somebody thinks/acts/believes something about us, we need to ask ourselves if that is actually true. We need to ask ourselves: is it actually me that thinks and believes that about myself? We need to identify what we are projecting or reflecting on to others.

• When I tell my husband he doesn’t respect me, I need to ask: am I respecting myself?
• When I say he thinks I am not a good parent, I need to ask: do I think I’m not a good parent?
• When I say that I don’t think people/friends like me, I need to ask: am I not liking myself?

We need to consider the basis of these projections, where they come from. Our negative thoughts are from a lack of self-esteem or self-worth, and are formed by insecurities within ourselves.

We need to build self-trust, self-respect and self-esteem to counter those thoughts. We need to value ourselves and care about ourselves in the form of self-love and self-care.

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

We need to become our own best friend and treat ourselves better. We need to call ourselves out when we find ourselves accusing somebody else of doing something we should be doing ourselves. And then we need to ask and answer those questions.

• Ask how do I respect myself? And answer it: I respect myself because I am strong and I see things through, and I am a loyal friend. Remind yourself of all your good qualities that earn respect.
• Ask how am I a good parent? And answer it: I cook, clean and care for my children. I am there for them when they need me with words of comfort and empathy. They are the top priority in my life, and I always put them first.
• Ask, what do I like about myself? And answer it: I am friendly and open. I put people at ease and easily chat to people. I am supportive and loyal in my friendships

Each time we do this, we break the negative patterns and thought processes. We build self-esteem by reminding ourselves of the good inside of us, and in what ways we are valuable and worthy, reaffirming and reassuring ourselves and building self-trust and self-respect. And by creating a more positive dialogue inside, we create a more positive dialogue outside with the people around us.

“Change how you talk to yourself will change how you think. Changing how you think will change how you react. Changing how you react will change your interactions. Changing your interaction will change the outcome.” - Miranda Kate

Are you respecting yourself? How to appreciate YOU!

Do you feel people ignore you or don’t listen to what you say?

Do you feel unsupported and as though you’re not appreciated?

Do you get upset and frustrated by these feelings?

Do you dream of being valued and admired?

I do. I feel unappreciated and undervalued regularly. I feel unsupported by those around me and ignored generally. But what I’ve realised is that I’m the one who is ignoring me; I don’t appreciate or support myself emotionally, and I definitely struggle with valuing myself.

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price”. – Unknown

Recently my husband did something minor that upset me and I thought to myself ‘he doesn’t respect me!’ But then I stopped and asked myself, is that true? And I realised it wasn’t. Then I thought about why I felt that way and asked myself, it’s you who isn’t respecting youself, isn’t it? I was reflecting how I felt about myself onto my husband.

You see, I’ve been working toward self-trust by feeling and listening to my feelings, setting boundaries and limits as a way to create self-confidence and self-assurance. I’ve been working on self-care and self-love to build myself up, but I hadn’t stopped to ask myself if I was proud of how far I’d come and earnt some self-respect through this process.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve been angry at myself for a long time, especially about moving overseas for someone who I felt let down and unsupported by. And that anger has led to behavior that has damaged my marriage and affected my ability to parent effectively, frustrating my desire to be a calm interactive mum. And I’ve had a lot of feelings from my abusive childhood to confront and work through before I could begin on the current stuff. It’s been hard. 

So I ask myself: do I respect the effort I've made to repair the damage in my marriage and the commitment to being a better mum? And I realise I struggle with being proud of myself about anything.

So how do I change this and earn some self-respect? What do I need to do to change my thinking to achieve that?

“Self-respect, self-worth and self-love all start with self. Stop looking outside yourself for value.” - Rob Liano

I start by looking at how I approach the things I want to do. My expectations of myself are low. I accept that I am not disciplined or have no will-power to follow through as quickly as I would like. I avoid committing myself to anything - including my dreams. I delay and make excuses and procrastinate – a procrastination that’s based in fear.

But the fear is not about failure, it’s about success. If I succeed then I have to sustain that success and hold myself to a higher standard and have an expectation of myself. But what if I let myself down? What if I’m not good enough?

When I back-track the feeling of not being good enough, I arrive at my parents. As a child I wasn’t enough to get their attention or their interest, or hold it for more than a few minutes. Most of the time I felt like a burden – and they often told me I was. The wounds from that live on in my current life, showing up in the form of not feeling good enough in my present relationships or friendships. I feel undervalued and as though it is my fault in some way and that I’m doing something wrong. 

I am doing something wrong – I’m not respecting myself. 

I’m busy looking for validation or approval from them, rather than from myself. I’m waiting for other people to tell me I’m ok before I let myself feel ok. I’m forgetting that the only approval I need is mine; that the only person’s permission I need to feel good about myself is my own.

 “Respect yourself and others will respect you.” - Confusius

The next thing to do to start valuing myself is look at all the things I’ve achieved that I can be proud of, like giving up smoking, finishing my novel, and self-publishing a collection of my writing. But I need to also look at my day to day and all the things I do on a daily basis too.

A few years ago I worked through a book called ‘Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. One of the chapters is called ‘Overfunctioning’, which offers an exercise where you write a list of all the things you do day to day and prioritise them from 1-4: 

1 = ‘must do’

2 = ‘can do but can let it slide’

3 = ‘not sure if that is for me to be doing’

4 = ‘it’s not my job’

When I first did this I was shocked at how much I did and how many things weren’t really my responsibility, as well as how many I could let go, or pass over to my husband. Doing this exercise again I see that I’m still doing a great deal.

So I need to acknowledge that and appreciate and value how much I am doing. Take a moment to feel good about that.

But is that all I need to do? Write a list and pat myself on the back and maybe do some positive affirmations and I’ll respect myself? No.

It goes deeper than that. I need to believe that my dreams and goals are inevitable and not a 'maybe or a ‘one day’ – that with persistent continuous action they WILL happen. I need to believe I have the determination and self-discipline to see them through.

“Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power.” - Clint Eastwood

It’s only through action that I can earn my self-respect. I need to show myself that I take myself seriously. I need to value everything I do as well as acknowledge how much I do.

And not only the big achievements either; it can be small things too. Not just the publication of my book, but creating the schedule that I followed to keep writing regularly to complete that book.

This, coupled with a commitment to self-care, nurturing and loving myself, and not judging or critcising myself, can build a foundation of self-respect.

If I see what I can achieve and how capable I am, it will spark me to do more, rather than make excuses.

Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how great you are, if you don’t see it yourself? - Unknown.

Book Review: Beyond ADHD by Jeff Emmerson

Beyond ADHD: Overcoming the Label and Thriving by Jeff Emmerson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I came across Jeff Emmerson on twitter, as I have a son who was misdiagnosed with ADHD and in fact has autism (aspergers). I was concerned particularly by one organisation that just pushed medication and refused to do anything without my son being put on meds (he was 6 years old at the time). They had only observed my son in play for half an hour, and an hour at school and that was that. They refused to do an IQ test, which the next organisation immediately did - shocked that one had not been done by the previous organisation - and it immediately revealed the aspects of his autism. And I live in Holland - not in the US, where all the research for this book is focused. To me this showed immediately that there is something wrong with the system of diagnosis for this and many similar conditions - particularly ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) as well as ADHD.

In my case it was picked up by his first school at 4 years of age, who immediately said he needed to go to a special school (a system the Dutch use). And my second son, who has no issues besides his stubbornness, was also put through diagnosis because of his brothers diagnosis. The labeling and black listing that goes on in the school system is a serious issue for parents.

So I was keen to read Jeff's book as it looks at all these issues in depth with heavy research to support it.

I read some of the other reviews on this book, where people claim this is a book against medication and judgemental on those that use it. I don't agree. Jeff doesn't say anything about who should or should not be taking meds, or that those that do are bad people. What Jeff says is that if you are putting children on such a serious drug as this particular amphetamine, make sure you have the diagnosis correct and that you have been thorough in making sure you have it correct. That it shouldn't be the first thing offered as a solution and each child should be thoroughly investigated first.

My son was medicated for a couple of years, and now fortunately he is no longer. It helped, although the minute I saw there was research showing how his meds (methylphenidate) cause problems with bone density in children, I took him off them. His side effects while on them were significant - he lost his appetite and felt sick the entire time they were in his system. He lost so much weight I only medicated him in the morning for the longest part of his day at school.)

This book provides detailed research to support why we should be very concerned about the current method and rate of diagnosis, and it provides accounts of interviews with professionals in this field who discuss what they think about the current diagnostic process - most of which feel it is not adequate. Personally the data scares me for the future of our children, if we let it continue as it is. Just the list of medical conditions that share the same symptoms as ADHD is concerning enough. There needs to be a massive change in this.

Here are a few quotes from professionals in this field that bothered me a lot:

"Are they selling ADHD? You bet. Why? Because it's a proven profit maker."

"Do we call this struggle of teens to focus their attention, with this degree of information overload and equal need for constant connection to others, clinical ADHD?"

"Functional Medicine should be a norm - why aren't all children evaluated properly looking at all factors of their history & not just symptoms? How could LC [a patient] have been allowed to slip through with those symptoms at 5yrs of age? Failure of medical team."

"The development of the child's mind is a kind of unfolding or flowering that we can't wholesale create but we can nurture into fullest bloom. The metaphor is in the garden not the factory farm and certainly not the neurochemist's laboratory."

To anyone who has been diagnosed with ADHD (or ADD) or has a child diagnosed with it, I urge them to read this and get informed and maybe consider seeking further investigation into their particular issues (as I did with my son when I wasn't satisfied). Or to anyone interested in this topic. I really do wish all professionals would read this.

For me the only shame is the price of this book being so high, making it less accessible to people who would really benefit from reading it.





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What is Integrity? How to Create Limits & Boundaries

Do you give in to what others want to keep the peace?

Do you compromise your feelings on a topic to avoid confrontation?

Does this make you lose respect for yourself?

Do you get angry with yourself afterwards?

Integrity is a word that gets used a great deal when talking about personal issues. People with integrity are considered people to aspire to and respect. But what is integrity, and how do we obtain it?

Integrity meaning: 1) the quality of being honest & morally upright; 2) the state of being whole or unified. (Oxford English Dictionary)

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why I get so angry with myself, and mostly it’s because I’ve said yes to something I don’t really want to do. I say yes because I feel guilty if I say no. Maybe the other person wants to do it and I feel like I am stopping them if I don’t; maybe I feel like I am disappointing them if I don’t. Either way I’ll agree to things to keep the peace, to try and please someone, but I end up annoyed with myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time working out how to start listening to myself and my feelings, and learning to trust myself and put myself first, but I have struggled to do that when it comes to interacting with other people. On my own I am quite firm, but with other people, especially those close to me like my husband and my children, I will let their wishes override mine because otherwise I feel like I’m being mean or selfish. But it hasn’t helped me – or them. I have ended up becoming frustrated with myself, and angry with them. And then no one has a good time.

What I realised I needed to do was set personal limits and boundaries. And on the face of it, that seemed quite simple. But it is not just setting up rules for yourself, saying, ‘I’ll accept this, but not that’, ‘I’m okay with this, but not that’ – although that can work - it goes deeper, it is about your sense of self and your personal identity. And I realised that was what people meant when they talked about ‘integrity’. 

“Integrity simply means a willingness not to violate one’s identity.” – Erich Fromm

It wasn’t just about setting some rules and teaching people those rules, as in ‘okay, this is what I will and won’t tolerate from you’, it was about listening to myself inside and knowing who I was and what I stood for within the relationship to myself as well as to those outside of me.

It wasn’t just about what things I wanted to do, what places I wanted to go, or what my politics were or what I believed in, it was about my very sense of self, my right to BE. It was about my self-worth.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

Only once I realised I was valuable as a person, that I was worthy of everything in life, was I able to think clearly in terms of my personal limits and boundaries. And I could only hold those limits and boundaries once I was sure that I wouldn’t violate them myself, that I wouldn’t try and second guess and persuade myself to do something I didn’t really want to do, for the desire to please another. (A desire they were oblivious to, I might add, as in most cases they were unaware it wasn’t something I wanted to do – until I got angry after the fact!)

Once I was true to my heart and able to trust myself to care about my own feelings, could I say I had integrity. And then those limits and boundaries weren’t rules I had to set and make sure I followed and keep a tight hold on, like a referee making sure no one goes over the line, they became the standard, the foundation of who I was and the basis I made decisions from. 

“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices.” - Gerard Manly Hopkins

It took me several years to understand this and several steps:

1. First I had to listen to my feelings and be a friend to myself. Realise that the inner me was as important as the outer me, and that I was worth giving my own time and attention to. 
2. Then I had to trust my feelings and show them respect, not belittle them or overrule them all the time, or second guess them. I had to stand up for them – I had to stand up for me.
3. I then had to care about those feelings, and nurture them, consider myself someone I wanted to love and care about. (NB: caring about the thoughts I have about myself is as important as caring about my physical body. If I want my body to be well and pain-free I need to feed it healthy food and exercise it, so if I want my mind to think clearly and be able to make good decisions I have to feed it positive thoughts that are supportive of me as a person and constructive to what I want).
4. Once that had been achieved, the limits and boundaries came naturally. I could think more clearly about what I was and wasn’t prepared to do to please others. I started automatically considering myself in all my decisions: factoring in my own wishes and desires.

From there on out I factored myself into everything I did – something that people who have integrity don’t even have to consciously do.

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”- Doreen Virtue

It’s not easy to work all this out. We all have to find our own routes into this. I definitely didn’t have a full understanding of integrity until I understood what limits and boundaries were (and that I had none) and how to set them. It took active action.

I would look up information about how to set limits and boundaries and write out what I wanted mine to be and focus on them. I had to stop myself and ask myself whether I was going along with something to please someone or if I genuinely wanted to do it, especially whether it would be a decision that I would regret later on down the line.

I would also ask myself, what would happen if I said no here? Often the result of saying no to something was a lot easier than my guilt had led me to believe.

Learning to say no is part of building self-esteem and self-worth, thus coming full circle. Integrity is knowing your worth and not compromising it.

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” - Barbara De Angelis