The Point of Affirmations: What They Are & How They Can Benefit You

In the self-help and personal development world, affirmations have become a buzzword of sorts: everyone uses them, relies on them, and considers them a necessary aid to personal growth.

But what are affirmations and what benefits do they bring?

Affirmations are positive words, sentences and phrases you repeat to yourself on a daily basis – in some way similar to chanting, prayer, or meditation.

They are used to counter negative thoughts we have about ourselves. In my posts: How to Stop Negative Internal Dialogue, and Negative Emotion Addiction: How to Recognise & Release it, I talk about how to combat negative thinking. Affirmations are a way to do this, and can replace negative thoughts.

Through the repetition of sentences, words or phrases, affirmations work to remind us of the good things about ourselves, and enable us to see our lives from a positive perspective. They are a way of training our minds to provide a healthier internal dialogue.

By reaffirming positive things in our lives on a daily basis we set our outlook and intention for the day. Reading or saying them every morning can bring renewed energy. It can have a positive effect on how we approach the people around us, and how we do our work.

"Whatever you hold in your mind on a consistent basis is exactly what you will experience in your life."– Tony Robbins.

For example, in my early 20s I struggled to see my value and always put other people before me, I felt that I was not important or significant in any way. It made me depressed and anxious. My therapist gave me the task of coming up with a sentence to repeat to myself to shift this belief. The sentence I came up with was: “It’s my life and I’m the most important person in it.” It took me a long time (years) to honestly believe it, but it made a difference every time I said it. I would particularly call on it in times of struggle. 

"It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a conviction, things begin to happen." – Muhammad Ali

I also struggle with being a parent, and some days feel that I fail. But when I find myself saying that to myself, I do two things: I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, and I repeat the sentence: “I am a good and valuable mother.” And with those words I receive a flood of positive emotions and memories reinforcing them, and providing me with fresh energy to start again.

Here are a few of the affirmations I use:

“You are important, your thoughts create, your actions matter, your presence changes everything.”

“My intention is to love, honour, and respect myself.”

“Expect nothing, appreciate everything.”

“Look at what you bring to the world, not at what you lack.”

Remembering The Why: How to Find the Point of It All When You Feel Lost

Do you ever wonder ‘What is the point of it all?’

Do you ever feel lost and struggle to see your way ahead?

I have moments in my life where I lose interest in everything I am doing. I feel drained, exhausted and tired, waking up to the same day-to-day existence. Maybe things aren’t going my way, or I’m not achieving what I want - or they’re not happening fast enough. It all seems too much work to keep reaching for my dreams.

It’s in those moments we need to remember ‘the why’.

Some people might refer to this as having a purpose. In the self-help and personal development arena people talk about ‘living your purpose’, or ‘finding your purpose’, but I feel this relates to external factors: making something the objective, or intention, like children, a job or partner.

I believe ‘the why’ is more personal: it’s our own inner flame that burns inside and keeps us moving forward and focusing on what we want out of life, what we want to achieve emotionally, not just physically. 

“I am not interested in what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dream of meeting your heart’s longing” - Oriah

When we trip and fall it’s what gets us back up again. When we get lost along the path on a journey that seems to have diverted to somewhere else, it’s what brings us back on track, popping up like a signpost.

Sometimes we need to prioritise it, and fight for it to keep us moving towards it.

And no ‘why’ is the same; it is what resides deep within each individual’s heart and only they know.

If you are unsure what your why is, take time out to sit quietly and listen to yourself. Think about the things in your life, or anything that is troubling you, anything you are unsure about and don’t know if you want. When you think about these things, how do you feel? Which thoughts give you a positive feeling? Which dreams make your heart soar? What would you like to do? Which choices are you sure about?

Do this without taking into account any of the ‘ifs’, ‘shoulds’ or ‘buts’ in life – this isn’t about anyone else but YOU. 

The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling. - Fabienne Fredrickson

As a writer I often wonder about the point of my writing: Will anyone read it? Will they be interested? What will it achieve? And when I am on the brink of walking away from it entirely, I ask myself why I started writing in the first place. I go back to what inspired me to write in first place.

For me the answer is ‘because I want to express myself’: whether through a story, a blog post, or a tiny piece of fiction. I have an overwhelming need to express myself. My concern for how it will be received is overridden by my desire to do it.

The moment I find my ‘why’, I reconnect with it. My energy is restored; my motivation is rebooted. I can continue on, sure of what I am doing – and why.

We have to keep checking on the why, because if too much ‘what’s the point?’ builds up we can end up in an avalanche or landslide into the land of pointlessness, and get stuck in feelings of emptiness, depression and whole lot of darkness.

When we feel overwhelmed; when we don’t know which way is up; when we feel pulled in all directions, remembering the why brings us back to centre, putting the rug back under our feet.

Living without The Mask: How to be Okay and Be Vulnerable at the Same Time

Do you struggle to let others see who you really are?

Do you find it hard to talk openly about your thoughts and feelings?

Do you let others takeover conversations and keep your mouth shut? 

I discussed the ‘mask’ we create to protect ourselves in my Being Authentic post, and the steps we can take to remove it.

The next step is living without it.

At first this can be difficult; we may feel exposed, vulnerable and raw, causing us to flick between being defensive and being over emotional.

What is being defensive?

Being defensive is when we react sharply or aggressively to something said to us, about us; a comment that we perceive as negative and take as a criticism or insult. It hits a nerve – the nerve being our insecurity about ourselves.

“Defensiveness is usually someone silently screaming that they need you to value and respect them in disguise.”- Shannon L. Alder

We worry that what they said about us is true; or we may feel that we are NOT like they said, but worry that everyone believes we are. Either way it triggers a feeling of insecurity about who we are - a momentary identity crisis.

A defensive reaction will often bring about an uncomfortable or negative response, giving us reason to chide ourselves about our reaction later. This may lead us to return to the person we were defensive with and apologise, maybe becoming tearful or emotional at the same time as we expose our inner self. But this too can leave us feeling bad about ourselves, as though we have over shared, as we go from one extreme to another - defensive to submissive.

If we are not sure about who we are inside, we struggle to portray who we want to be seen as on the outside. This creates a conflict - a conflict based on a lack of confidence. We are conflicted between wanting others to accept us and being true to ourselves. And in lacking self confidence we may believe that who we truly are will not be accepted by others, hence the reason we created the mask in the first place. 

To live without it means letting go of pleasing others, seeking their approval, or putting their needs before our own; it means being honest about who we are - being vulnerable.

“Vulnerability is the courage to show up and be seen.”- Brene Brown

So as we struggle to find our true selves and work out who we are and start living that truth,  we can overreact and overcompensate. Neither of these two extremes represent who we are, or who we want to be, and we can remain on this sea-saw, struggling to find the balance for quite some time - on occasion returning to living behind the mask.

But the balance can be found once we start being comfortable with who we are and accepting ourselves, inside and out. Only once we stop fearing other people's responses and start embracing who we are, will we be able to show our true nature in a calm, positive way.

“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” - Stephanie Perkins

Here’s a list of ways we can do that:

•           Start caring about ourselves more and others less.

•           Stop apologising for who we are.

•           Stop overriding our own feelings to please others.

•           Accept that not everyone will like us, just as we don't have to like them. 

•           Be sure and honest about the things we do like and the things we don’t.

•           Be proud of ourselves, and appreciate all we do and achieve.

•           Remember that we are the most important person in our life.

•           Tell ourselves: All of me is what makes me the special unique person I am.

Give it a try and see if it helps find you the balance when living without the mask.

Kill Justification: How to Stop Feeling You Have to Explain Yourself

Do you find yourself explaining your actions or feelings to others?

Do you feel that you are required to do so?

Do you feel that your answer won’t be accepted unless you do – or that YOU won’t be accepted unless you do?

Justifying our feelings or actions is an indication that we feel insecure about who we are. It is a form of seeking external approval. It comes from a fear that our actions won’t be approved of, or accepted – as though we feel we have to convince others of their validity, and on some level, of our own validity.

When we justify ourselves to others we give away our personal power. We give away our choice about how we feel or think, believing that unless someone else approves, we can’t either.

I would often find myself going into long drawn out explanations about why I did something, especially if I wasn’t sure if the person I was talking to would approve of it. It might be over something trivial, like a musician I liked, books I liked, things I liked doing, or something more in depth, like why I parented the way I did, why I had becomes friends with someone – always I felt I had to justify myself.

My mother always worked on the assumption that because I was her daughter I had to like everything she did, and if I didn’t she would create an argument about it. She would consider it a negation of her if I didn’t, and take it as a personal sleight and get upset. And the upset thus taught me that it was easier to pretend I did like what she wanted me to, to please her and keep the peace.

Unfortunately this meant I learnt a bad habit early on: to either pretend I liked something to please others, or go into detailed reasons why I liked it to try and validate it and gain approval. Sadly though, this resulted in me either not knowing what I really liked, or humiliating myself by over explaining, and getting a sense that it put the other person off, creating an awkward, tense situation. Often I would walk away feeling like I had said too much, and feel bad about myself.

Stop letting people that do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions. – Will Smith

This pattern of behaviour was highlighted to me when I realised I didn’t behave this way around everyone. There were some people I could be around who I expressed myself clearly with, defined my likes and dislikes, and who I felt accepted by, because they didn’t expect anything from me.

It was brought to my attention when I visited a friend with an ex-boyfriend. My relationship with this ex-boyfriend wasn’t good. I was always on tender hooks, unsure he was happy with me. I felt I had to live up to an image he had of me. He would often argue with me about my opinions and view. After we visited my friend he commented how relaxed I had been in their company, confident and happy, and he asked why I wasn’t that way with him anymore.

I realised my friend had never expected or wanted me to be anyone else; I could discuss my tastes and opinions with them, and they wouldn’t argue with them – whether they agreed with them or not. They respected me, and my thoughts and feelings, so I could be myself with them.

  

And if there were people that I had to justify or explain myself to then I had to move away from them, because they weren’t helping me, they were taking something away from me. They were the wrong people, possibly toxic people.

Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of – it’s yours. - Zero Dean

It made me realise that I shouldn’t have to explain myself or defend my choices to anyone. I realised I had a right to feel and think any way I chose, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone. I was worthy, and I didn’t need to justify why.

But doing this is not so easy, so I broke it down into a step by step process.

1)    Listen to yourself – feel your feelings about things, and acknowledge them;

2)    Be honest with yourself – don’t alter anything to suit others. Being different is okay;

3)    Follow your heart when you make decisions by trusting yourself – and you do that by doing the first step;

4)    Believe in yourself - know that you are a good person;

5)    Be confident in your feelings and choices, then you won’t need to seek someone else to.

Be who you are. Think the way you do. Be who you are.

You are worthy, you don’t need to justify why!

Book Review: Daily Love: Growing into Grace by Mastin Kipp

Daily Love: Growing into Grace by Mastin Kipp
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I really enjoyed this novel, but then as an avid follower of Mastin Kipp I suspected I would. He takes us through his own awakening and journey, and provides the reader with tips and tricks upon the way.

I know his return to religion is part of his journey, but as an agnostic this was the only part that I felt uncomfortable with. I understand the premise, and I thought Mastin explained the 'Jesus Consciousness' well, but I felt from that point on, the message for those on their own journey had become religious based.

However, it didn't put me off considering Mastin Kipp a huge inspiration and mentor on my own journey.

View all my reviews

Negative Emotion Addiction: How to Recognise & Release it

Do you ever feel anxious suddenly, and without reason?

Do you ever get a bad feeling come on, but you don't know why?

Do you get stuck feeling bad all the time, but don't really know why?

Much like any addiction, Negative Emotion Addiction can be both physical and mental. If we repeatedly experience a negative emotion, it can become habit forming, and our bodies can reflect it as much as our minds.

Through some personal work I was doing I discovered that I have a negative emotion addiction to emotions like Dread, Envy, and Inadequacy. These come up for me both consciously and unconsciously.

The one that I notice the most is Dread, as it manifests physically. On any given day it will appear out of nowhere showing up as a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, as though something has gone wrong - or is about to.

I check myself: Am I missing something? Have I forgotten to do something?

I check the clock: Am I meant to be somewhere? Am I supposed to be fetching one of my children?

I check the calendar: Is there an appointment I should be attending, or a phone call I should be making?

I run through it all, making sure I haven’t forgotten something that will cause a problem later. When I realise I haven’t missed anything and I have no reason for feeling this way, I release it, letting the feeling go, reassuring myself that all is well. 

This is an emotion I felt as a child on a daily basis throughout my entire childhood until I left home. Being a child of domestic violence this emotion was present several times a day, or all day long. It is an emotion formed round a fear of knowing something dreadful is about to happen, coupled with a feeling of insecurity about the unpredictability of it - what will happen exactly, and when?

In my current life there is no reason for me to be experiencing this emotion any more, so I recognise it as being a sort of 'residual' emotion, like part of a withdrawal symptom, now I am no longer experiencing it daily. Each time the feeling arises I consciously undo it and let it go, and in doing that I work to end the recurrence of it.  

“If negative emotions arise you can watch them fly over you like debris floating in the wind.” – Unknown 

Some might say it is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and it may be, but as it is only a feeling and not brought on by a flashback or memory, I recognise it as something my body is so used to feeling it simply reproduces it without a trigger. 

However, when I experience Envy it’s more conscious. A steam of thoughts will fill my head: wishing that I had what others had, wishing I was doing what others were doing. It can be about a friendship, a personality trait, a job, but always comparing myself to others, either personally or their living situation. These thoughts can bring about a physical reaction too, again a sick feeling in the stomach much like dread. But I have to consciously stop the spiral of these thoughts otherwise they can grow into larger more negative emotions, like paranoia, anger, or sadness. 

To stop these thoughts I focus on what I do have, and how much I have. I think about all the things I like about my life, and about myself, and what I have to offer in any friendship, relationship, or job. And to continue moving away from these feelings I remind myself that what I believe others have is an assumption and not a reality.  

“Everything we see is a perspective, not a truth.” – Marcus Aurelius  

For me, envy is an emotion born out of a childhood of lack where I felt like I was the only person suffering, and others had much more than me – often not in the material sense, but in the emotional sense: love, happiness, security, sense of belonging, and stability. These were missing from my life as I was growing up and they led me into feelings of inadequacy: I felt I didn’t deserve these things, that I wasn’t good enough, that I was doing something wrong, or being punished. 

I spent a lot of time feeling this way as a child, and it caused a great deal of sadness, and anxiety for me. I got used to feeling that way too; it became my constant, and sometimes my comfort. I would fall into a victim mindset, and find it hard to see what a negative effect these feelings had on the rest of my life. I struggled to sustain friendships and relationships and didn’t understand why people didn’t want to be in my company. I had become toxic to them – and to myself – much like an addict.

But like any addiction it is possible to break the habit: there is a process. Although for a Negative Emotion Addiction it is not so much giving up something as becoming aware of it and letting it go.

Over the years I have changed my thought process and perspective, so now when I experience these negative emotions I follow these steps:

- Become conscious of them;

- Recognise what they are;

- Check they no longer apply;

- Release them, and let them go.

We must learn to question the validity of our recurring negative emotions. We need to ask ourselves: Are these emotions something I am simply used to feeling? Do I need to still be feeling this? Is it still relevant in my life now?

In doing this we can slowly recover from their effects and make room for more positive thoughts and feelings - ones we want to become addicted to.

I discovered NEA through my work with Norval Rhodes doing Energy Healing

Releasing the Power of Choice: How To See You Always Have One

How often do you see the choice in what you do?

Are you going through life believing that you don’t have many choices?

Have you ever been put off doing something because you felt you had to do it?

How many of us tell ourselves we ‘should’ do something because we believe it is what our friends, family, or partner want us to do?

At my very first therapy appointment, my therapist told me that I didn’t have to like the village I had moved to. He told me I had a choice and it was okay not to like it. This came as a complete shock to me, because I had believed that I didn’t have a choice.

The most common way people give up their power, is by thinking they don’t have any. - Alice Walker

I am a city girl and I moved to a foreign speaking country and village, to be with my partner. It was where he had grown up and where all his friends and family lived – a large close-knit community. My husband loved it there, and so did all his friends and family, so when I struggled to settle there too – due to mixture of not feeling welcome or included - I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was letting my husband down; I felt like a failure. These feelings were then compounded by my partner’s flat refusal to move to anywhere else, putting the onus on me to find a way to accept living there if I wanted to stay with him.

So when my therapist showed me that I didn’t have to like it there, when I realised there was a choice, and I was allowed not to like it there, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Suddenly I was able to make a decision about the place for myself, rather than feel it had been decided for me. I was able to think about it objectively rather than having it forced on me.

"Freedom is realising you have a choice." - T. F. Hodge

It had been expected of me to like living there. I had felt pressured and been given no time to decide for myself, which had made me resent the place before I’d even given it a chance. When I saw I had a choice, I was able to look at it from a whole new perspective and ask myself whether I did actually like it or not, something I hadn’t done up to that point (some six years later!).

This then extended into other areas of my life. Whenever I found myself feeling resentful about a ‘have to’ situation I would rephrase it in my head, asking myself what other choices I had.

Situations like:

- Going along to a coffee morning to meet other mother’s from my children’s school class. I felt I should go, to be sociable and friendly; I felt like it was expected of me. When I realised that I had a choice, and that I didn’t have to go, I changed my mind - I went and thoroughly enjoyed it!

- Taking my child to play football: I don’t like football; I felt that it was what my husband wanted; I felt it was expected of me as a mum. But when I realised how much my child enjoyed it, how good it was for him to be involved in a team sport, I changed my mind. I was happy to take him – I wanted to do it.

This new perspective also enabled me to realise I could say No, too.

I was able make a choice and stop doing the things I didn’t enjoy as well.

Every year my partner and his close group of friends rent a house and go away for the weekend - couples and children too. But I didn’t enjoy going along. They weren’t people I interacted with on a daily basis, so I found it hard. I was only going along to please my partner, who wanted me to go too. I felt I had no choice because I didn’t want to ruin his fun, even though I wasn’t having any.

When I realised I had a choice, I found the strength to say No. I told my partner I didn’t want to go anymore. And although I worried there would be a lot of upset about my decision, there wasn’t. I was firm and decided and he was happy to go along with just the children. And although I felt guilty when I waved them goodbye, I ended up having a calm peaceful weekend to myself, and they had lots of fun too!

"By saying Yes when you need to No, cripples the most important relationship in your life: the relationship between you and you." - Nea Joy

In realising I had choices, I released the power I had over decisions I made in my life. I was able to ask myself what I wanted, rather than do what I thought others wanted me to do – or expected me to do. I felt happy about the choices I was making and the things I was doing.

By releasing the ‘should’ I was able to change my thoughts from a negative to a positive. It enabled me to enjoy the moment, rather than resent it.  It gave me a sense of personal power and control over my life, enabling me to step out of victim mode and feel as though I was taking an active role in my life.

So if there are things in your life you are struggling with, or doing that are making you unhappy, as yourself these questions:

Would you change your mind about something if you had the opportunity to decide for yourself about it, rather than feel it was expected of you?

Can you see the choice within that releases your personal power, and helps you feel you are making the decision for yourself, rather than having it made for you?  

Embracing the things we do feels a lot better than resenting them. 

"No matter what the situation, remind yourself 'I have a choice'." - Deepak Chopra