Do you know
whether you like yourself or not? Have you ever asked yourself?
Are you
kind to yourself when things go wrong or do you scold yourself?
Do people
tell you, you’re hard on yourself?
“Love yourself first
because that's who you'll be spending the rest of your life with.”– Paulo Coelho
There is a
lot in personal development and self help about loving yourself and being self-approved (the first one tends to lead to the second). It is a fundamental
building block in finding your own sense of authenticity or ‘being authentic’ –
meaning taking off the public mask and not being afraid to show others who you
really are, and relaxing around people.
You may
have heard the term ‘Self Care’ recently. It is the new buzz word for loving
yourself. It means to take time out for yourself: buy yourself something
special, spend time with yourself in solitude or in meditation, walking in
nature, or doing something you want to do that you would normally consider too extravagant
or time consuming.
Some people
think that ‘self-care’ or ‘self-love’ or ‘believing in yourself’ is selfish,
that you are only thinking of yourself and your own happiness. But you are the
most important person in your life – even as a parent your children are
dependent on your health and happiness, and your ability to function on a daily
basis.
“Loving yourself isn’t
vanity, it’s sanity.” – Andre Gide
When I began
the journey to start loving myself, it was to try and achieve a sense of calm
about everything in my life. I was defensive, sensitive and reacted to people,
usually with unsuccessful outcomes. I was angry and frustrated, and I needed to
find a way to change that. I realised that I hadn’t spent much time with myself
- in fact initially I had been scared to spend time with myself. I would do
anything to avoid being on my own. I would liken it to loneliness. Spending
time alone meant emptiness and sadness to me. It meant spending time with my
feelings, which I was trying to avoid. As a child I hadn’t been allowed to
express my feelings or have feelings, so I had no idea how to deal with them.
It was only
when I went travelling on my own for a year that I started to understand myself
better. On a daily basis I met new people and I would listen to what I talked
about and what I told them, and notice how I reacted to them. I started to hear
my own story and notice my reactions and behaviours. I started to know myself
and see parts of myself I liked, and by the end of my trip I discovered I enjoyed
my own company, and was fine spending time in solitude.
“Stop hating yourself
for everything you're not. Start loving yourself for everything you are.” –
unknown
But not
everyone can go travelling to ‘find themselves’, so how do you go about loving
yourself while living your day to day life?
Step one: Listen
to yourself: your feelings, your thoughts, your response to things
externally. Don’t concentrate on any specific one, just listen to all of it,
without judgement, without any expectation. During this process you will start
to understand your own thoughts and opinions about things.
Step two: Trust your feelings: Trust how you feel about things:
from what you might want to eat in the morning, to the state of the world. Some
feelings might feel bad, or ‘wrong’, but they are your feelings, so hear them
out. Believe them, rather than argue with them. Reason with them or sympathise
with them. Find a place that you can start feeling comfortable about them.
Don’t cover them up; be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you think
you have to change how you feel to suit others, ask yourself why? Are you
putting their feelings before your own? Why are you compromising yourself for
another? Know the reasons why you think and feel the way you do, but don’t
justify them. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone.
Step three: Set
Personal Boundaries: Boundaries are to stop you compromising too much of
yourself to suit others. Decide how you want to be treated: what you are okay
with and what you are not okay with. Define where your limits are. Not being
true to yourself will disrupt your sense of self. If you change your mind to
suit another, or do something you are not really happy or comfortable with, you
are compromising yourself – your feelings, your truth - and that can leave you
feeling bad about yourself, resulting in guilt, regret, even resent and anger.
By setting personal boundaries and trusting your own feelings and thoughts, and
being clear about what you do and don’t want, you can achieve your own sense of
inner security. If you are sure about who you are, it doesn’t matter what
others externally say or do.
“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the
noise of the world, instead of themselves.” – Leon Brown
There are a
great deal of articles and books on this topic. A book I have found helpful is Mirror Work by Louise Hay. In this book, you are guided through exercises where you
look at yourself in a mirror and talk to yourself – to your inner child (the
part of you inside that was once a child). It helps you uncover previous
painful events and helps you release that pain and learn to appreciate who you
are in the present moment. It teaches you how to be comfortable with yourself.
This book
also highlights how you talk to yourself. Many of us might be kind to others,
but we aren’t very pleasant to ourselves. When we start listening to what we
are saying to ourselves, often we will find a negative stream of dialogue:
berating ourselves over things from the past, present and even future
scenarios, or constant criticism over how we look, feel or present ourselves.
If you hear
yourself doing this, ask yourself: “If someone externally was saying these
things to me, how would I feel?” Would you be upset, offended, even angry? If
so then ask yourself: “Why am I saying these things to myself? Why am I not
standing up for myself? Why am I not being a friend to myself?”
To practice
self-love, let that voice speak, but don’t engage with it - know that it is not
the truth. Not every thought you have in your head is true or real. And a lot
of the noise in our heads is put there by other people: family, school friends,
work colleagues. It is their perception of us, which is a reflection of
themselves: their own thoughts and feelings. It is not who you are, and by
listening and learning who you are, you can be sure of that.
“Be careful how you are talking to yourself, because you are listening.” – Lisa M Hayes
Compassion
and empathy are feelings that we express when we care about someone deeply, and
we want the best for them. They allow us to be non-judgemental and support people
in being who they are and appreciating them. By listening to and trusting our
feelings we are showing compassion and empathy for ourselves. We can then
appreciate all the positive things about who we are and what we can bring to
the world.
Self-love
is something that can take years to build, but once you achieve it, you have a foundation
of inner security: of trusting who you are and being sure of yourself. No
longer questioning the things you do or feeling bad about them. It’s not easy,
it takes courage to stand up and be honest about who you are, but you find that
you start caring less about what others think and say about you. You realise
that only what you think matters - because
it is the only thing that impacts you.
“If you are not good
at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you
will resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving
to yourself.”- Barbara De Angelis
No comments :
Post a Comment