Do you see it as a failure on your part if you aren't doing things the
way others are?
Comparison can be positive when it is in analysis of statistics to gain
more information, or in decision making. But when used to compare ourselves to
others, or comparing someone else’s life to our own can often lead to negative
feelings like regret, frustration, sadness, depression, even anxiety.
We all get stuck in the trap of comparing ourselves to others from time
to time, whether materialistic things or not. We've all coveted a neighbour’s
garden, car, or holiday. We’ve all looked at someone’s success and compared it
to our own, and been left disappointed with what we’ve achieved.
“The reason we struggle so much with insecurity
is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlights
reel.”- Steve Furtick
Those are clear cut examples of comparison, but there is a more insidious
kind that is almost unconscious. It lies in conditioning within our society and
culture, and is when we don’t do what the herd does, or matches what the herd
does, and we are ousted and excluded, or ridiculed.
The pressure to stand true to ourselves is hard. If we think differently,
take different actions, or desire different things, from tiny things to how you
live your day to day life, run your household, do your job, raise your
children, to how you respond to people, how open you are, how you see things
from another perspective. It can be difficult.
But the truth is we are not all the same, and not just in likes and dislikes and preferences, but in how we receive information, how we process things, how we respond or react to things. And this can make it so much harder, and cause us to be harder on ourselves.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Teddy Roosevelt
A recent chat with a friend was a prime example of this. They felt they
could not meditate, because they weren’t doing it ‘right’, because they were
unable to follow online meditations due to struggling with visualisation.
Not everyone sees in pictures, some people see in words. My friend is an
incredible poet, but felt limited because she couldn't conjure up the images
the person narrating the meditation suggested. She felt she was wrong, or there
was something wrong with her that she wasn't able to do this. But I told her
that that is not the case; everyone has their own way, and not everyone can
visualise and that’s normal. I could the relief in her face.
I see it in books I read on self-help, too, especially those that have a
spiritual basis. Some of them define ways you should see/feel/process things.
They are written as though it is only that way. But every person has their own
way; they process things in their own way. They imagine things and relate to
things differently; symbols mean different things to each individual.
These are external small pressures we as individuals often feel, and
they can mount up. Small ways we feel we don’t fit into the crowd and are
failing somehow.
With some people it can make them angry, and resentful, even causing
them to reject an entire community, topic, or convention; wasting time and
energy being hateful towards it or complaining about it. Others might view this
behaviour as bitter or jealous, yet really it is a reaction to feeling
insecure. They might like to be a part of it, but they don’t fit with the
expected behaviour/method/thought process. They struggle to adjust to what is
required. They haven’t worked out how they can encompass it in a way that works
for them. This can lead to isolation, depression, or feeling ostracised.
“Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no
comparison between the sun and moon. They shine when it’s their time.” –
Abhishek Chauhan
So how do we stop feeling this way? How do we stop comparing ourselves?
We start by recognising when we are making those comparisons, and the
negative or limiting impact they have on us. Identifying the areas they show up
in and assessing how we feel about them.
When you look at others and what they are doing, and maybe feel anxious
that you are not where they are, tell yourself, I’m doing what I’m doing, and I’m
okay with where I am at. I don’t need to be there, or doing that. Reaffirm your
own goals, and your own steps, as well as acknowledging the achievements you
have made.
Only compare in a positive way, in a way that inspires you to better
yourself. If you look at what someone is doing, you might think, ‘I want to do
that too.’ But rather than then look at it as a failure that you are not, look at how they are doing whatever it is you
want to be doing, ask questions, get informed about how to go about - decide if
it really is what you want to be doing, and then make your own way there. Use
them as a positive role model.
Don’t let external pressures dictate who you want to be and how you want
to show up. Take pride in your uniqueness.
Find your own way. Cherry pick if you like. Find what suits you.
Remind yourself there is no right or wrong way - only the way that works
for you.
This your journey, your path, not theirs.
You
deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be known for the real deal that you are. The best place in life is where you’re already okay. Come home to you. It’s where you belong.” - Anne Bechard
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