Don't doubt - Do! How to crush self-doubt

Do you spend a lot of time doubting your talents?

Do you overthink everything you do, until you are not sure about anything?

Do you not know which step to take, so end up not taking any steps at all?

Overthinking and doubting yourself and your talents can keep you stuck in life. I should know, I have been there, and still find myself back there from time to time. Sometimes it feels like being on a stop and start ride at times. It's difficult to navigate out of repetitive negative thoughts and behaviors, and, as is often the case, what lies behind them is lack of self-confidence. 

"When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt."- Honore de Balzac

Not believing in yourself, your talents, or your ability to accomplish your dreams, manifests itself in self-doubt, procrastination and self-sabotage, which then leads into further negative thoughts and feelings. 

They are all symptoms of deep seated feelings of lack within yourself: you lack the belief you are worthy, you are good enough, or that you belong.

And although it is worth uncovering where the roots of these feelings begin - what caused them - it's more important to find out how to change them. 

Yes, it is possible to change how you feel about yourself because I've done it.

When I began, I realised that the key thing I was missing in believing in myself was self-trust. I didn't trust myself to do what needed to be done, from small things to big thing. I didn't trust myself to follow-through, be persistent or consistent. I didn't trust myself not to let myself down. 

Trust and believing in yourself walk hand in hand. If you don't trust yourself, you won't believe in yourself.

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you, all they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."- Richard Bach

So how do you trust yourself? You trust yourself by listening to yourself.

I don't mean the constant stream of thoughts in your head that spin around, asking more questions than they answer, and providing tainted 'evidence' about your self-worth gathered from the outside world. I mean listening to your heart. That means sitting down and just reaching out your conscious mind to your body, feeling every part of it, and settling on the heart. And then asking how it feels about the things you are struggling with, and feel the physical response your body gives. 

Feelings are a physical thing. You feel bad when you feel sick to your stomach, tense your muscles, or feel tired; and you feel good by the opposite: a spark of excitement in your stomach, relaxing your muscles, or feeling energised.

Listening to your heart means tuning into your body, and its response. It is how you connect to yourself. You trust what you know and if you know how you feel about something, you can trust it.

However, it doesn't stop second guessing, or doubting those feelings. The trick to breaking that mental cycle is a simple one: Action.

"An inch of movement will take you closer to your goals that a mile of intention." - Steve Maraboli

If you take action based on your true feelings you start building something that is past the questioning stage, something tangible. You are supporting your feelings by doing something. You are following through. And the more times you do that - take action based off your true feelings - the more you will trust both your feelings and yourself. It supports belief in your feelings and creates trust for the next time and then the next, building a rapport with yourself, a history, and a connection.  

Yes, it sounds easy, doesn't it? But no, it's not. You have to believe you are worth it, and take the time for you. If you honestly want to change how you feel, you have to make time for you and your feelings.  You have to get to a point where you tell yourself, I am worth my time. 

And what if those actions don't work out, or fail? What then? Then the cycle begins again. 

Consider what didn't work, or what you need to change to make it work, and try again. As long as you stay true to how you feel and take action that is committed and wholehearted and not doubting, you will at the very least learn something that will help you try again and be successful.  

This is not a one time only deal. You choose to give yourself a second chance every time. You choose to decide you are worth it. Life is trial and error. But until you stop listening to the doubts and actually take action, you will never know. 

Are you worth the risk? The longer you dawdle over the answer, and don't take action, the more room you leave for self doubt. 

So don't doubt - DO!

“The path to success is to take massive, determined action.”– Tony Robbins

Are you really listening? How to actively listen

Do you ever walk away from a conversation and can’t remember what the other person has said?

Do you ever leave a social gathering & realise you didn’t ask the questions you wanted?

Have you ever had a friend say they told you something important but you don’t remember?

I have. 

I’ve had this happen multiple times. And every time I realised I wasn’t listening properly. I was so busy forming my responses, or telling them about myself, I totally missed what they actually said. And although they might have thought otherwise, it was not intentional.

If people keep asking me questions about me, it doesn’t occur to me that they might just be being polite, I get lost in talking about whatever they are asking me. And when they are talking about something, I find myself searching for a situation in my life that I can relate to it and respond with.

But when a friend said she had told me something personal and I had no recollection of it, I started to worry about this. And then when I walked away from social gatherings a few times and realised I hadn’t asked about someone about something that was going on with them, I realised I needed to make a change. 

I needed to learn how to Actively Listen.

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” - Bryant H. McGill

I am a big talker; I can talk on any given topic for ages, and I have to be careful not to interrupt others or talk over them. It is something I have had to train myself into. 

And what triggered my understanding of why I incessantly talk — especially in situations where I am nervous — was when someone said ‘you weren’t listened to as a child, were you?’ It stopped me in my tracks, because it was true.

My childhood was not an easy one. I am a child of domestic violence and for the latter part of my childhood we moved around constantly. I had one parent interacting with me on a daily basis, in neither a positive or nurturing way. They weren’t really interested in me, they were very focused on themselves and their situation. They certainly had no interest in anything I had to say (and that hasn’t change into adulthood).

I began to realise I was always talking, trying to either impart my opinion and/or receive some kind of response to it. I used talking as a way to try and make a connection, be accepted and approved of and also gauge if my thoughts and opinions were ‘normal’, because my isolated childhood meant I had no gauge. 

My inability to listen was because no one had listened to me. Fortunately this was something I could change.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” - Ralph Nichols

There are four main ways we show we are actively listening to someone. They are:

Eye contact

Looking at the person who is speaking to you in the eye, keeps your mind focused on what they are saying, rather than looking away at people around you, or at the clock. Looking at everything other than the person indicates you are not interested in what they have to say and are just waiting for them to finish. 

Body language

Much like the eyes, body language denotes engagement: facing the person, legs crossed towards them, staying still and not fidgeting. 

Verbal response

In person, but especially when on the phone with them, making sounds is important, it shows you are listening and paying attention to their words. It can be just a simple acknowledging sound, like ‘uh huh’ or it can be a word relating to what they are saying, or to prompt them to say more, like ‘and?’ or ‘and what happened then?’

Asking open questions that refer to what they said and waiting

Asking questions about what they have told you is a definitive acknowledgement of what they are telling you. But waiting for a response to your question, rather than using it to lead into something you want to talk about, is also paramount. You get to hear what they have said and hold onto it in your mind. 

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” - Larry King

Learning to actively listen has also helped me be a better parent and make sure my children feel heard too, as my own experience has shown that it’s a necessary part of parenting. Whenever I found myself modeling my own parent’s behaviour I would remind myself of three things to help me: 

·         Put down or stop what you are doing 

·         Bend or crouch down if they are small children, so you are on their level 

·         Keep the tone of your voice low when asking them what they want to tell you

When going through this process I also maintain eye contact and repeat back to them what they had told me to confirm that they have been heard.

The payoff is that now my children are older, they feel they can approach me when they have something they want to tell me or speak to me about.

“Listening shows kids they matter, we love them, and their words are important.”

For more information about learning to actively listen, here’s an article by Tony Robbins on the power of deep listening that I found useful.

Mindset - Growth vs Fixed: How to literally change your mind

Do you believe you can only do things one way?

Do you believe that there’s a limit to what you can learn?

Do you believe you are only capable of doing certain things?

A common term these days is ‘Growth Mindset’. It's the new thing to be and to have, but what exactly is it? 

Mindset simply means the way you think or view things. Your mind is set a certain way; you think about things a certain way, or see them from a certain perspective, and your actions are dictated by what you think.

A ‘Growth Mindset’ means you are able to change your perception or view point and expand it to take on new ideas, concepts, and ways of doing things.

“If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” - Jesse Jackson

In contrast the term ‘Fixed Mindset’ means you are limited by what you believe you are capable of achieving or thinking - you are fixed in your thinking.

If you believe in certain ways of doing things or there is a limit to what you can learn, and are rigid in how you do them, and/or don’t believe there is another way for you, then you have a fixed mindset and you find it difficult to conceive that you could change that. This fixed thinking means you can’t grow or expand in what you can achieve or learn - or at least you don’t think you can.

“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations our possibilities become limitless.” - Jamie Paolinetti

In life this can either help or hinder, and it shows up in different ways.

You might have a dream about something you want to do, but if you don’t believe it is actually possible for you to achieve it, you won't take action to make that dream happen. It restricts you, and this can leave you unhappy, depressed, even anxious. You might even think there is no point in your life, leading to even darker thinking.

How we think about what we can and can’t do is affected by what others say and tell us, whether it’s parents, teachers or peers. It’s also by what we experience and what meaning we attach to that experience - whether it is something positive or negative – and this in turn can change the decisions when we make future choices.

“Growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.” - Carol Dweck

A mindset is a dialogue in our heads. We create this dialogue through our experiences and our feelings, and through what we hear and see externally; through how people treat us and respond to us.

If enough people tell us there is something wrong with us we might then believe it to be true, restricting and treating ourselves accordingly. If they tell us we can’t do something enough times, we might believe it.

But we can stop believing it by literally changing our minds. It’s all down to our internal dialogue. Nothing externally can change that, only we can.

“Change your thoughts, change your life.” - Wayne Dyer

A lot of the ways we limit ourselves are based in fear and comes from low self-esteem and self-doubt. If we are strong in our sense of self and who we are, and trust ourselves and listen to our hearts, we can be more open to change how we think.

We can start this by remembering these three things:

1.) You are not your thoughts

Thoughts are your minds way of processing your day, you don’t need to let them dictate how you feel. You can choose which thoughts to engage with and which ones to discard. But the thoughts you think the most in your conscious mind will feed what your subconscious repeats and delivers into the conscious mind, so the more you interrupt negative thoughts by challenging and replacing them with accurate, ‘true’ thoughts, the more you will train your subconscious into only throwing up helpful, supportive thoughts that will help you open up to what you really want to achieve.

2) You always have a choice

You can not change or control anyone or anything outside yourself. You can only control how you choose to react, and that is always a choice, whether you are aware of it or not (often we are not). You also don’t have to justify any of your life choices or actions either – a common misconception in our society. Only you need to be sure about what you are doing, and leading from the heart. If you are confident in your choices, those around you will be confident too.

3.) What you believe is how you live

The word 'believe' has two other words in it: 'be' and 'live' so what we believe is what we be and how we live. The world is open to you if you believe it is. You can achieve anything you want if you believe you can achieve it. You are only limited by what you believe is possible, and that is fed by your mind and thoughts.

Our internal dialogue can limit us if it is negative: we won’t believe we can do all the things we want to do, no matter how much someone else says we can, or what we witness others doing. Only if we believe it ourselves will we be able to achieve it.

We can feel restricted or we can feel limitless, the choice is ours.

Thus our minds are either fixed or growing - the choice is ours.

Whether you believe you can, or believe you can't, your right. - Henry Ford

Personally I like to believe we can change the stars!

Book Review: Listen Up! Your Heart is Speaking, by Robin Lee

Listen Up! Your Heart Is Speaking by Robin Lee
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I have been a fan of Robin Lee for a few years now, so I was keen to get hold of her book. Plus when she saw me post about receiving it, she sent me a beautiful journal to match it, which I love.

The cover and design of this book are lovely, especially the illustrations inside dividing the chapters. Sadly I felt the font let it down a bit, it was large and not as elegant as the rest of the book - to my eye at least.

Robin provides an easy and uncomplicated way to listen and connect to your heart. There is a simplicity to this book that many in the self-help and personal development arena lack. There aren't masses of exercises to follow all the way through, and Lee doesn't pump the reader full of her ideas on how the reader should feel or think or her opinions on it all. She provides a simple, clear process.

The first part of the book talks about how to listen to your body and heart during day to day moments and talks about how to create the right mindset to ease the connection, and at the end of the book simple straight forward instruction is given on exercises the author uses, with some answers to FAQ questions.

I liked it and would definitely read it again. I have done a lot of reading in this area and also done some meditations on connecting to the heart, so it was simple for me to embrace it. For others they might want more depth. But it is a great starting point to get you connecting to your heart on a daily basis and relieve stress in your life.

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Book Review: #KnowTheTruth by Gordana Biernat

#KnowtheTruth: Why Knowing Who You Are Changes Everything by Gordana Biernat
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I came across Gordana Biernat on twitter, and her tweets really resonated so I bought her book in the print format. I love it's luxurious feel. It's a thing of quality - as are its contents.

I hadn't heard of Gordana before coming across her on twitter. Her main selling angle is that she is one of Oprah Winfrey's Supersoul 100 teachers. And a quick glance round the internet tells me that twitter is her main outlet. She does talks and interviews on other people's sites, but everything redirects to her twitter feed. It's where she posts most of her thoughts and knowledge.

And the book #KnowTheTruth is structured from the tweets. She has used them to guide the topics she then discusses more in depth. There are 231 tweets she elaborates on, and you can choose to just dip into this book or read it cover to cover as I did.

I felt there was progression through the book on the topics, so you could understand each stage and grow to the next one, so for me cover to cover worked best, but it is also a book that I will dip into time and again to refresh my thinking or to understand something again, or maybe look at it from another perspective.

It follows the truth about ourselves in terms of how powerful and limitless we really our, and how our thinking and conformity to social constructs restricts us. It holds answers to how you can free yourself mentally - and spiritually - and create a life you want to create, big or small. And it teaches how to appreciate all the tiny things and how to live in the moment.

It is tough to describe as I feel my description only skims the surface of the depths that it reaches. There is so much to think about and ponder and process.

I would recommend it to anyone who is looking to connect with themselves and within themselves. This book enables you to understand, in relatively simple terms, how to go about doing that.

This is not a book to be rushed, but to be savoured.

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Setting an intention: what it means & how to make it work

Do you have all these things you want to do but never get to them?

Do you want to feel more committed to the things you want to do?

Do you feel your attention is split and you end up wasting time?

Another topic that is spoken about a great deal in the personal development world is ‘setting an intention’. It is often spoken about in relation to ‘The Law of Attraction’ and how to attract the things you want to bring into your life. But, as is often the case, it is a very simple and easy concept that has been dressed up to be more than it is.

At its root it is about setting goals. Whether it is a day to day task, or a much larger project, an ambition or dream, it is about getting the idea in your head and defining it for yourself.

You can write it down, you can say it out loud, whatever works for you, but the very basis is stating it in some form so you are clear on exactly what you want, or intend to do, whether it is that day, that week, that month or even that year.

The focus here is in the act of actually stating your intention – that is ‘setting’ it.

By doing this you have a direction to move in, you have a purpose, an action to take, one that will bring you closer to what you want to achieve. Your mind can focus on the steps you need to take to complete it.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”– Tony Robbins

For me, writing it down works. It enables me to refer to it as many times as I need and break down the steps into manageable chunks. If I get distracted or become unclear about what I need to do, I can look at it again. This repetition helps solidify the intention and set it as a foundation to build on – hence, the term ‘setting an intention’.

As a writer, I approach it like a story: I have a direction, a few scenes, and an ending in mind, which I move towards. Occasionally I get caught up in a character or go off into a side story, so I remind myself of my original plan, what my intention for the story was, the original core idea and return my focus to it.

But whether you are a writer or not, breaking it down into small steps – some of them small enough to do on a daily basis – makes it easier to see your progress and feel like you are getting somewhere and believe it is possible.  Decide on a physical action or on an amount of time each day you want to devote to it.

“Action is the foundational key to all success.” – Pablo Picasso

And if you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of what you are aiming for, or struggle to believe you can achieve it, return to the reason behind it – your ‘Why’. This helps refresh your motivation and the initial intention behind what you are trying to achieve. It will keep you moving forward, and keep up the momentum needed to hold on to the commitment you made to yourself.

Part of feeling you have achieved anything is trusting yourself and not letting yourself down; being proud of yourself for holding on and following through no matter how many times you feel you have failed.

You need to invest in yourself and connect with your truth – what you really want in your heart of hearts – to be able to succeed.

“Investing and Connecting is one of the key factors in turning any intention into reality”. - Rhonda Britten

The cross over with the ‘Law of Attraction’ is the idea that if you focus on the things you want you can ‘attract’ them to you. If you remain committed, you can make it happen. If you believe you can and remind yourself why you want to, and keep moving forward towards it with consistent, persistent action, anything is possible.

So, by ‘setting an intention’ of what you want to do, you are already turning your mind to it, you are already opening doors to it, and how to go about achieving it, actively looking for opportunities. This in turn will uncover them and you will learn new things, meet new people and keep progressing towards that intention.

“Our intentions create our reality.” – Wayne Dyer

So each time you have a bad day, or think you have failed in something you want to do, remind yourself of what you are trying to achieve; remind yourself of the reason behind it and commit to it again.

You can set an intention every single day.

You can write a new ‘to do’ list every day.

You can do one small thing towards your goal every day.

 It’s all down to believing that you can and then taking action.

That is what is behind ‘setting an intention’.

“The successful warrior is the average man with laser-like focus.” – Bruce Lee 

Book Review: Sex, Suicide and Serotonin, by Debbie Hampton

Sex, Suicide and Serotonin: How These Things Almost Killed And Healed Me by Debbie Hampton
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This is actually a 3½ rating.

*This is an in depth review, so there maybe be SPOILERS*

I was very interested in reading about what happened to Debbie Hampton after her suicide attempt and the brain injury it caused, but there wasn’t the kind of detail I had expected.

The book didn’t run chronologically and kept skipping back and forth, making the timelines at the beginning and just after the suicide attempt confusing. There was a lot of repetition in the chapters too, making them longer than they needed to be, making it rambling, describing the same thing over and over. These things surprised me, as I would have expected an editor to have had some input in this being as it’s not a self-published novel. Being an editor myself, I tend to notice these sorts of thing more than others, but it really didn’t add to reader engagement, if anything it made it arduous to read and take in what Debbie was trying to impart – and she had a lot to impart, although most of it was right at the very end.

It’s difficult to review someone’s life story, as it’s not my business to critique their life and choices - plus they are already in the past, and I felt this was more of an autobiography of sorts, for the authors reference more than for the reader, maybe as a way to try and take in better what had happened in light of the brain injury and hold onto their memories. But these are the thoughts and feelings it arose when I read it.

For me, the structure of this novel affected how I felt about it. There was a detailed account of the aftermath of her suicide attempt and the injury, and then her relationships with her ex-husband and ex-boyfriend, prior to any discussion about her suicide and how she felt about that. I was not remotely interested in these men who had clearly mistreated her, and I found her detailed descriptions of them far too forgiving. There still seemed to be a lot of self-blame for how they had treated her, where she had clearly been disrespected, neglected and actually abused (verbally/emotionally). Although forgiveness is necessary, especially where children are involved, I felt that presenting them as good people who had their own issues and thus it made it okay, was not right. I didn’t feel either of them were good people – even though we do ‘teach people how to treat us’. I appreciate that often it is hard to think that we choose people that were wrong for us, that it can be seen a reflection of our ability to make good judgements, i.e.: ‘if I picked that person, what does that say about me’, kind of thing, but forgiveness is for ourselves, not for them. Forgive yourself that you let them treat you that way, but don’t justify their actions or make excuses for them. I wasn’t interested in their life stories and why they behaved the way they did. What they did wasn’t okay. But I understood in some ways that Debbie was writing this for herself, rather than an audience.

The discussion about Debbie’s suicide or suicide ideation was not what I expected and it left me feeling disappointed. There was a blaze, off-handed mention of the fact she had made earlier attempts in her teenage, which was sort of ‘standard teenage behaviour’ and that this was more of the same, yet, she did speak about hiding it from others. The focus was on the resulting brain injury as though that was something different, or a term that could be used instead of the term ‘suicide attempt’, to make it better and/or cover up what had actually taken place. And the description of it as ‘inherently selfish’ struck me as wrong and born of the conditioning that it is something to be ashamed of – having suicidal feelings – rather than an indication of an underlying problem, or mental health issue that needs to be treated with compassion and understanding.

Towards the end of the book Debbie speaks a little bit more about it, and about the treatment she pursued herself and retraining her brain, but it was skimmed over – her personal reasons – which is fine, but it made me wonder at the point of the book. The title indicates that it is about a suicide attempt – and it is – but it is more about the recovery of a brain injury that the attempt resulted in, than a recovery from whatever drove her to the attempt. There was no discussion about why she felt the need to make attempts in teenage and where that might be coming from. I couldn’t decide if that was due to the brain injury no longer allowing that kind of self-reflection or the desire not to dig that deep or share it – which is entirely up to the author, but leaves the reader wanting.

I was also struck by how little medical help was offered to Debbie – either with the brain injury itself or with the suicide. It was as though she was shunned due to the injury being caused by the attempt to take her life. Or at least it wasn’t written about in any detail, so I assumed it hadn’t existed. There was the mention of being committed to a facility immediately out of hospital, but it seemed more like a holding place rather than a treatment actively trying to help her. Debbie seemed left to her own devices to treat herself and understand alone what had happened to her brain and body, with no support from therapies either, which led me to the more incredulous (to me) notion that after just three months she had an expectation to have her children returned to her for full custody both after a suicide attempt AND a brain injury still affecting her every waking moment.

I was also surprised by the repetitive expression of her finding it heartwrenching to be away from her children, when she had planned to be absent from them permanently. I found it a strange juxtaposition. I understood she loves her children and her ex-husband was using them to be nasty and abusive (a common trait it seemed). I understood that her suicide attempt was in reaction to a feeling of failure after an abrupt end to a recent relationship, but then surely it would make sense to resolve some things within yourself and take a step back – although another strange twist was that if she hadn’t fought for their return she probably wouldn’t have had access or custody of them ever again, a strange twist in the laws of our society.

Although this book offers a great deal of information for anyone suffering from a brain injury and all the possible alternative treatments available, I was disappointed by the missed opportunity to talk about suicide and suicide ideation and tackle some of the taboos. However, I appreciated Debbie sharing this very personal event with the world.


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