Book Review: You Are The One, by Kute Blackson

You Are The One: A Bold Adventure in Finding Purpose, Discovering the Real You, and Loving Fully by Kute Blackson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I've followed Kute Blackson for a few years now and always loved his style and delivery, and this book was no different. He delivers his message in a clear, succinct, direct way.

Each chapter focuses on a different aspect, from loving/accepting yourself and life, realising how much power you have and how you are able to break through conditioning, and that in fact you are limitless. It covers forgiveness and love, and how to rethink your potential. Each topic organically flows from one chapter to the next, each supporting the last. Kute talks about the people he has taken to India on his Liberation Experience and uses their experiences to support what he is saying and explaining, using gentle repetition within each chapter, his point - and it works.

I found it eye-opening, inspirational and uplifting. It is a book that I feel I could read every year and take something new from it each time - and I just might. This is coming from someone who doesn't often re-reads books.

This book might just be the one! ;-)


I love this, and would recommend it to anyone looking for a new perspective on how to approach life and get more out of it, or a new approach to healing themselves.

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Book Review: Calling in the One, by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Calling In "The One": 7 Weeks To Attract The Love Of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I spent longer than the 7 weeks working through this book, mostly because I like to digest things, but also because I am often too busy to come back to it on a daily basis.

In this book you work through 49 assignments, using a journal of your own. You read the chapter and do the assignment at the end. I really enjoyed working through this book and right up to the end the assignments were just as profound and worthwhile as those at the beginning. There is a lot to learn from this book.

I am not single, I am married, but there are areas of my marriage I wish to improve upon and this booked helped me understand and heal issues I had/have surrounding love and being in a relationship. KWT takes you back to your childhood and helps you work through any wounds or problems arising from that time that are influencing your ability to find love and balance in any relationship. This books helps me work on myself and become a more 'whole' person, and be more open to having a loving, balanced relationship.

I would recommend it to anyone wanting to improve their love life.


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Self-Love: How to Love Yourself & Why You Should

Do you know whether you like yourself or not? Have you ever asked yourself?

Are you kind to yourself when things go wrong or do you scold yourself?

Do people tell you, you’re hard on yourself?

“Love yourself first because that's who you'll be spending the rest of your life with.”– Paulo Coelho

There is a lot in personal development and self help about loving yourself and being self-approved (the first one tends to lead to the second). It is a fundamental building block in finding your own sense of authenticity or ‘being authentic’ – meaning taking off the public mask and not being afraid to show others who you really are, and relaxing around people. 

You may have heard the term ‘Self Care’ recently. It is the new buzz word for loving yourself. It means to take time out for yourself: buy yourself something special, spend time with yourself in solitude or in meditation, walking in nature, or doing something you want to do that you would normally consider too extravagant or time consuming.

Some people think that ‘self-care’ or ‘self-love’ or ‘believing in yourself’ is selfish, that you are only thinking of yourself and your own happiness. But you are the most important person in your life – even as a parent your children are dependent on your health and happiness, and your ability to function on a daily basis.

“Loving yourself isn’t vanity, it’s sanity.” – Andre Gide

When I began the journey to start loving myself, it was to try and achieve a sense of calm about everything in my life. I was defensive, sensitive and reacted to people, usually with unsuccessful outcomes. I was angry and frustrated, and I needed to find a way to change that. I realised that I hadn’t spent much time with myself - in fact initially I had been scared to spend time with myself. I would do anything to avoid being on my own. I would liken it to loneliness. Spending time alone meant emptiness and sadness to me. It meant spending time with my feelings, which I was trying to avoid. As a child I hadn’t been allowed to express my feelings or have feelings, so I had no idea how to deal with them.

It was only when I went travelling on my own for a year that I started to understand myself better. On a daily basis I met new people and I would listen to what I talked about and what I told them, and notice how I reacted to them. I started to hear my own story and notice my reactions and behaviours. I started to know myself and see parts of myself I liked, and by the end of my trip I discovered I enjoyed my own company, and was fine spending time in solitude.  

“Stop hating yourself for everything you're not. Start loving yourself for everything you are.” – unknown

But not everyone can go travelling to ‘find themselves’, so how do you go about loving yourself while living your day to day life?

Step one: Listen to yourself: your feelings, your thoughts, your response to things externally. Don’t concentrate on any specific one, just listen to all of it, without judgement, without any expectation. During this process you will start to understand your own thoughts and opinions about things.

Step two: Trust your feelings: Trust how you feel about things: from what you might want to eat in the morning, to the state of the world. Some feelings might feel bad, or ‘wrong’, but they are your feelings, so hear them out. Believe them, rather than argue with them. Reason with them or sympathise with them. Find a place that you can start feeling comfortable about them. Don’t cover them up; be honest with yourself about how you feel. If you think you have to change how you feel to suit others, ask yourself why? Are you putting their feelings before your own? Why are you compromising yourself for another? Know the reasons why you think and feel the way you do, but don’t justify them. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone. 

Step three: Set Personal Boundaries: Boundaries are to stop you compromising too much of yourself to suit others. Decide how you want to be treated: what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. Define where your limits are. Not being true to yourself will disrupt your sense of self. If you change your mind to suit another, or do something you are not really happy or comfortable with, you are compromising yourself – your feelings, your truth - and that can leave you feeling bad about yourself, resulting in guilt, regret, even resent and anger. By setting personal boundaries and trusting your own feelings and thoughts, and being clear about what you do and don’t want, you can achieve your own sense of inner security. If you are sure about who you are, it doesn’t matter what others externally say or do.  

“Listen to your own voice, your own soul. Too many people listen to the noise of the world, instead of themselves.” – Leon Brown

There are a great deal of articles and books on this topic. A book I have found helpful is Mirror Work by Louise Hay. In this book, you are guided through exercises where you look at yourself in a mirror and talk to yourself – to your inner child (the part of you inside that was once a child). It helps you uncover previous painful events and helps you release that pain and learn to appreciate who you are in the present moment. It teaches you how to be comfortable with yourself.

This book also highlights how you talk to yourself. Many of us might be kind to others, but we aren’t very pleasant to ourselves. When we start listening to what we are saying to ourselves, often we will find a negative stream of dialogue: berating ourselves over things from the past, present and even future scenarios, or constant criticism over how we look, feel or present ourselves.

If you hear yourself doing this, ask yourself: “If someone externally was saying these things to me, how would I feel?” Would you be upset, offended, even angry? If so then ask yourself: “Why am I saying these things to myself? Why am I not standing up for myself? Why am I not being a friend to myself?”

To practice self-love, let that voice speak, but don’t engage with it - know that it is not the truth. Not every thought you have in your head is true or real. And a lot of the noise in our heads is put there by other people: family, school friends, work colleagues. It is their perception of us, which is a reflection of themselves: their own thoughts and feelings. It is not who you are, and by listening and learning who you are, you can be sure of that.

“Be careful how you are talking to yourself, because you are listening.” – Lisa M Hayes

Compassion and empathy are feelings that we express when we care about someone deeply, and we want the best for them. They allow us to be non-judgemental and support people in being who they are and appreciating them. By listening to and trusting our feelings we are showing compassion and empathy for ourselves. We can then appreciate all the positive things about who we are and what we can bring to the world.

Self-love is something that can take years to build, but once you achieve it, you have a foundation of inner security: of trusting who you are and being sure of yourself. No longer questioning the things you do or feeling bad about them. It’s not easy, it takes courage to stand up and be honest about who you are, but you find that you start caring less about what others think and say about you. You realise that only what you think matters - because it is the only thing that impacts you.

“If you are not good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you will resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”- Barbara De Angelis

Book Review: Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I was interested in this book as it talked about finding true belonging, something that is hard to do in this world, and having watched Brene Brown talk about vulnerability, I was keen to read what she had to say on belonging, and I was not disappointed. She covered the topic thoroughly and gave guidance about how to go about it in today's world.

Braving the Wilderness was only published at the end of 2017 so Brene Brown refers to recent world events, culture and society. This is as much a guide to dealing with the current negativity, lack of integrity and fake news and political lies as it is about finding true belonging. It talks about how to deal with it and how to stay connected in a positive healthy way.

The section headings are advice on their own:

People are hard to hate close up. Move in.
Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil.
Hold hands. With strangers.
Strong back. Soft front. Wild Heart.

I would recommend this book to anyone struggling in today's world, and trying to find a way to cope with the overwhelming amount of noise it creates in our day to day lives. And anyone wanting to feel a sense of belonging in their lives.

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Self-sabotage: Identify when you are doing it & how to stop

Do you make a lot of excuses about not doing something you have always wanted to do?

Do you not inform yourself properly so you miss out on an opportunity you have always claimed to want?

Do you behave in certain ways that stop things from progressing in relationship?

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” - Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

Self-sabotage is when we have dreams or goals that we want to achieve, but keep putting them off, or create problems that stop them from happening. We might even attempt to try them but in a half-hearted way so that it goes wrong.  

We can sabotage a career by not informing ourselves properly about what we need to do, so we’re not successful when we take the first few steps. We might not work hard enough at it; we might keep making excuses why we can’t, or deliberately forget things and/or turn up late. Alternatively we might behave badly in interviews for a job we need but don’t really want, thus sabotaging our chances of getting it. 

In a relationship we might keep providing reasons why we are not good for our partner, or behave in ways that are destructive to the relationship: being needy, desperate, clingy, or argumentative, rude, aggressive, even disinterested, until eventually they break it off.

This type of behaviour is borne out of fear and feelings of lack: whether lack of self-belief, lack of self-esteem or lack of confidence; we don’t feel worthy, we don’t feel good enough. Or we are scared that if we succeed we will be a fraud or undeserving.  

We sabotage the great things in our lives because deep down we don’t feel worthy of having the great things.” – Taressa Riazzi

Our limiting beliefs about ourselves and our capabilities cause us to self- sabotage: If we believe something won’t work or that we won’t be able to create the desired outcome, we don’t commit in the first place. And through that non-commitment the cycle is repeated: we don't give it our all, so it doesn't work, thus reaffirming the belief that it's not for us - self-sabotage at its best. 

The way to deal with self-sabotage is to understand that we limit the things we want to do by the thoughts we have about them. 

If we have been told we can't do something as a young child, we may hold onto that, and believe we can never do it. If when we were a child we were enthusiastic about being an astronaut, but someone (a parent or teacher or authority figure) says "You can't possible do be an astronaut, science is not your strong point', we might believe it, and stop pursing our dream: no longer working at the subjects required with such commitment and vigour and getting lower grades, thus supporting the idea that we wouldn't be able to do it, and that they were right. But had we been encouraged, we could have worked on the subjects required and pursued a career in it, and truly giving it our best shot.

Unlocking the negative belief and seeing what we are truly capable of, we can embrace it and wonderful things can happen. 

To see if you are doing things to sabotage the things you want, write down a list of the things you want or wanted to do in your life. Leave nothing out.

Then make a list about why you aren’t doing (haven't done) them. Ask yourself: what is/was stopping me? Why do I believe I can't do them?

Then question that list. Ask yourself if the reasons you have provided are the truth, are they real reasons, or are they due to fear, or something somebody said? 

Question all of the answers back until you see what the truth is. More often than not you will find that really it is just yourself stopping you; most likely fear about being out of your comfort zone and trying something new. 

“A comfort zone is great, but nothing ever grows there.” – John Assaraf 

Seeing the reasons and the truth behind the reasons written down in black and white enables you to see them differently; seeing them outside of the internal perspective enables you to understand what is real and what is not. You can re-evaluate the truth behind the things you want to do, they can become tangible possibilities again, things you can pursue. 

You can then take the next step: Action. 

You do this by looking at the things you want to do and breaking them down into bitesize goals, and then take them step by step. This can involve learning what you need to so that you are fully equipped to do the things you want to do, and provide no more excuses.

"The distance between your dreams and reality is called Action." - Jim Rohn

But this can be trickier if self-sabotage is taking place in relationships. In those instances you need to question your beliefs about love:

What do you believe about love?
Where did you learn that?
Was that source positive or negative?
What do you believe about love – especially about you and love?
What do you tell yourself about love?
Do you let others love you?
Are you able to love yourself?
Do you know how to love yourself? 

It can be hard to give love to another if you aren’t very good at giving it to yourself. Working on these deep rooted beliefs can take a lot of in depth work. I recommend a course (available in book or audio) called Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. She enables people to uncover all their issues surrounding love and relationships, and how to go about healing them. 

Withholding love is a form of self-sabotage, as what we withhold from others we are withholding from ourselves. - Marianne Williamson 

Learning to identify where you are self-sabotaging in your life is the key to making the changes that will help bring you all the things you want and deserve in life.

 

 

Limiting beliefs: How to Change Them & Be More Successful in Life

Do your thoughts hold you back?

Do you want to do something, but don’t believe you can?

Have you ever challenged what you believe you can do?

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

Many of us believe we are in control of our own minds and believe we choose to do things, or not do things, based off what our limits are. But do we truly know our limits, or are they imagined? Are they based off fact, or have they been put there by something someone said, or an experience that led us to believe that?

Belief is everything, whether it is the day to day 'I can do this' kind of belief, or the religious sort. If people want to think or see things a certain way, they will, no matter what facts or experience might contradict them.

The very word: Believe, taken apart, is ‘Be’ ‘Live’ – you ‘Be’ and ‘Live’ based on what you think about the things in your world.

A Limiting Belief is one that suppresses our own personal truth about who we are or what we can achieve. In general we are all limited to rules and regulations as a society or civilisation to function and get along, but what I am talking about are the personal beliefs that hurts us by limiting what we want to achieve in life and stop us growing and thriving.

Many people limit their beliefs to conform to a given set of rules, or to satisfy another. When we stifle ourselves to conform to a belief imposed by another, it stops us from being able to step into who we truly are and live our lives to the fullest. It can lead to an unhappy life and often depression if we feel powerless under such restrictions.

“The only limits you have are the limits you believe.” – Wayne Dyer

Understanding that some of our beliefs are limiting us and identifying those that stop us from reaching for our dreams, is the first step in changing them and releasing ourselves from their bonds.

We need to then ask ourselves some questions - particularly when we find ourselves resisting something we thought we wanted to do:

1) Can I do that?

2) Do I want to?

When asking ourselves the second question, we also check our feelings on it: Maybe we do want to, but we are scared or fearful of the outcome – an imagined outcome. But until we try we won’t know so we can choose to stay in fear or we can push through the fear and try. And whether we succeed or fail it doesn’t matter, because we have tried and learnt something about ourselves in the process.

For example, I might believe that I am not welcome in a particular social group. I might decide in my own mind I am not welcome by over-analysing conversations or body language. But really I am fearful of the rejection if I try to take part in a group activity. I can choose to keep believing that I am not welcome or I can find out for sure by participating.

I am a writer. I can choose to believe that it is a waste of time submitting my work to publishers because it won’t be good enough. But why do I believe it is not good enough? Don’t I have as much chance as anyone? Have I had only negative feedback on my writing? Asking these questions makes me stop and decide what I really believe, and also whether I am helping myself or giving my negatives beliefs power.

Maybe when we were a child we wanted to do something and someone told us we couldn’t, that we wouldn’t be able to - maybe a parent, a teacher or another authority figure. And from that point on we believed it was always out of our reach. And now when someone asks us if we want to do it, we say we can’t. But in truth, we don’t know, because we have never tried or given ourselves the chance to try.

“Learning, too soon, our limitations, we never learn our power.” - Mignon Mclaughlin

Many limiting beliefs are driven by a lack of self-confidence and self-worth, by honestly not believing in ourselves or our abilities. Only by questioning ourselves, in a positive and constructive way, can we challenge the beliefs that limit us in our day to day lives. Only once we start to unlock them can we release our inner power and realise our dreams.

Why don’t you go and write a list of all the things you would like to do, go on - I dare you! Write out all the things you dreamed of, however extreme they might be. And then go through that list and see which ones are within your grasp if you believed you could do them.

It will give you a whole new perspective on your potential, and liberate you. It will also make you question some of the limiting beliefs you hold in other areas of your life.

“Remember: we all get what we tolerate. So stop tolerating excuses within yourself - limiting beliefs of the past or half-assed or fearful states.” – Tony Robbins

Book Review: How to Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I would really rate this a 3½. To me this is a 'marketing' book: a coalition of many books and writings by Louise Hay, and refers often to a course she runs called 'A Course in Miracles.'

I knew a great deal of this content already as I read a lot of self-help and personal development books. I have also worked through Mirror Work by Louise Hay, which provides more in depth help with 'loving yourself' and would be much more helpful than this book for achieving that.

For someone not having read or worked with any of Louise Hay's other books and courses, this book might be a little overwhelming, and also a little patronising as it assumes a lot about the reader. It tells the reader where they are 'wrong' and how they need to change what they believe and how they think, without in depth detail about how they should go about making that change, only generalising and touching on things, mentioning what would happen in one of the 'A Course in Miracles' sessions. It also puts it all across as though it is a really simple thing to do, when it is not, and it takes a lot of work and self-reflection to do.

It also promotes Louise Hay's own beliefs, about the world and universe, which to me should also be a choice and can be very individual. I do not believe in a single all-powerful being, and I don't believe for a second that we 'choose our parents'. I do however believe that we are born into a family/life that will teach us the lessons we need to learn in this life and they will keep repeating until we understand and learn them. But what I believe about religion or spirituality may not work for another person. I felt it wasn't a necessary addition to this book and had no bearing on what Louise was trying to impart. However, I do believe that we have the power of choice and can change our lives and our thinking by what we choose to focus on and what we believe about ourselves and our life situations. But I think a lot of people would struggle with this book if they didn't subscribe to Louise's personal beliefs which she repeats often.

That being said there is a lot in this book for people that have already done a great deal of reading on these topics and a lot of work and just want to know more about how they can treat their physical problems through emotional and mental practice, as it explains how some emotional struggles can manifest in physical form in the body.

I would recommend other books by Louise Hay's, such as Mirror Work, and by other authors like Wayne Dyer and Katherine Woodward Thomas before looking at this book. To me it was a sort of 'gathering' of all her beliefs and ideas in a simplified form.

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